Showing posts with label Mojo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mojo. Show all posts

Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Mary Poppins comes to gym

You may have heard about biltong. It's dried up old meat cured with spices and then eaten. It's as South African as sauerkraut is German.

Gay men can be biltong too. You know the type; tanorexic, out of proportion (i.e. all chest and no legs) and a barbed wire armband tattoo. That perfectly describes the kind of guy circling Hot Josh this morning at the gym.

Simply put, Hot Josh is "Mary Poppins" a.k.a. practically perfect in every way.

Hot Josh, who I've never seen before, is in his 20s. He's wearing Nike tracksuit pants, Adidas trainers and a well-fitted T-shirt. It's clear Hot Josh has a great body and is also particularly square-jawed with good hair.

I am doing chest, Hot Josh is three benches away doing tricep dips while Biltong is circling like a vulture. Watching Biltong is far more amusing than me being attracted to Hot Josh.

Biltong is shameless. He asks Hot Josh to spot for him. He asks Hot Josh about his training regime. He tries to make a joke with Hot Josh so that he can jokingly pat Hot Josh on the back.

Everytime Biltong starts talking to Hot Josh I have to turn off my iPod to try and listen to what they're talking about. Biltong is doing all the talking. Having to stop and start the iPod to listen to the one-sided conversation is getting a little annoying.

About 10 minutes later I'm at the pulldown machine where you do lats. Next thing, I notice Hot Josh behind me leaning on the leg machine.

"Do you mind if we share?"

To myself: "Holy fuck, holy fuck ... Hot Josh talked to me ohmygod - he is fucking hot. I love him. Should I tell him that? Will he design our wedding invitations or shall I?"
What comes out of my mouth: "sure".

So Hot Josh and I are using the pulldown machine, he's using it for triceps and I'm taking it in turns to do lats. I have the iPod turned up as loudly as possible, it's the Freemasons.

"Baby, when you touch me on my body I lose every feeling that I used to know.
And baby when you touch me on my body I'm losing my mind, here I go!"


The only interaction between Hot Josh and I is a "cheers" when either one of us finished a set.

The next thing Biltong appears!

He sees Hot Josh and I sharing the equipment. I ignore Biltong but inside and I have my tongue out and my hands waving on either side of my head. "Nah nah nah ne nah nah!"

Biltong hangs around near us at the pec machine for no reason whatsoever. Hot Josh doesn't even look at him.

I want to walk up to Biltong and pat him on the back. "Dear, you're wasting your time. Hot Josh and I are together now. I can feel the heat from his hands on the machine. Give up, go home."

It seems I have psychically communicated this to Biltong because after a while he leaves, crestfallen.

"Akhg sdkjh k sadkjllkjh adsf lkjasdflkasdfl lkasjdh"

Me realising Hot Josh just said something to me, taking off my headphones; "sorry I didn't hear you."

Hot Josh, "that guy has been hanging around all morning."

"You should tell him to fuck off." Hot Josh laughs. I tell him about biltong. He laughs at that too.

"It's usually nice and quiet in the mornings."

"Yeah, I've never been here at this time but I have the day off college."

"Great day to have off, it's going to be really hot. I have to go to fucking work so..."

Hot Josh and I talk. I am smiling. He is smiling. He laughs. I joke. Not much exercising gets done.

Ten minutes later I am walking back into the changeroom where I see Biltong getting dressed having showered. I am tempted but don't anything.

Intead I turn up the Freemasons loudly.

Oh, by the way, his name isn't really Hot Josh, it's Dan. Maybe there'll be a part two to this story pretty soon. Who knows...

Friday, 20 June 2008

Another beginning

Warning: Herewith follows the ramblings of a smug cunt, proceed at your own risk. Bring the sick bag, use the gun as you wish.

I've sat down, having just got in.

A few hours ago I was standing in the gym change-room in a towel. Getting dressed at the bench opposite is a young blonde turk, cute with a great body. He looks at me and I glance back but then find fascination with something else.

He looks at me again, I glance back at him. And again. His staring is making me a little nervous so I put on the straightest swagger I can muster to go and get a tissue to wipe my nose. On the way back he looks at me again.

"Don't you have somewhere to go to?"

I think "fuck, he thinks I'm cruising him. Fuck. And he's straight and I am really not... Shit." Me, completely defensively; "I don't know what you're talking about - I'm about to go home..."

Now doing aggro-straight; "and what are you trying to say?" He, almost apologetically, "sorry, no I... don't worry."

I leave it at that and wait for him to leave. Outside the door of the gym he is standing, playing with his phone. I walk out and don't even glance at him. But this is weird so I stop a few metres from him and pull my phone out of my bag to play with.

And then he walks on ahead. About 20 feet down the pavement he turns around to look at me and flicks his head for me to come over. Fuck... does this really mean what I think it does?

I catch up with him. He puts his hand out and I shake it.

"Sorry, the words didn't come out my mouth like they should have. I meant; 'if you've got nothing to do, would you like to go somewhere.'"

Me, amused and somehow getting all the words in the right order; "oh, right..! I didn't know what you meant. Listen, no-one has ever been quite that direct with me in the gym. Sorry, I was just completely taken aback..."

His voice drops "sorry, yeah I saw you and thought I would just ask because it didn't look like it was going to work any other way and I would be kicking myself if you got away. So would you like to do something?"

"Mate, I am flattered and because you did it so confidently, I have such respect. Really, that is a first.

"Does that mean 'no' then?"

"Does it fuck? Mate how could I ever say 'no' to the confidence that you plucked up to ask me. So your place or mine?"

"Well my parents are away..."

21 years old, at University and lives with his (wealthy, it seems) parents who're on holiday. We spent a good solid hour and a half doing interaction work.

Afterwards I am lying and looking at the ceiling. "Is everything okay, you seem distracted."

"No, I just suddenly thought "what the fuck am I doing here... this was never in my work-out schedule!" We laugh.

So there. I cannot fucking believe it.

My first interaction as a 30 year old and he was 21. And he picked me up at the gym.

I decide to walk home because it's not that far. iPod on, I stick on a little ditty by Marilyn Manson; "The Reflecting God", from his Last Tour on Earth CD.

And Manson sings....

Die, shoot, shoot motherfucker!
Shoot! Shoot! Shoot motherfuckers...

Young scum, can you feel my power?
Shoot! Shoot! Shoot motherfuckers...

Young, scum can you feel my power?
Shoot! Shoot! Shoot motherfuckers...

While Mr Manson spits and screams into my ear I gently smile to myself.

I will probably see him at the gym again. He was hot. He had a sixpack. Perhaps we might do it again. The first interaction of my 30s, of the new leaf, of the new me.

This is how I hoped these years would be. I know, I know! It's just casual. Whatever.

I sacrifice those who've been before tonight, all on the altar of learning.

My life began at 30. So far so good. Let's call him Gareth.