Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Who's your mummy?

Tonight I speak to my mother who is chipper as she tells me of the wonderful weekend she's had.

She says that on Friday night a group of her women-friends got together, they drank and ate, then ended up downing tequila at the Beulah bar for lesbians in Green Point in Cape Town.

Shit. It was far better when she was disapproving of that sort of thing.

Those mornings I used to come home and park the car on the lawn and stagger around gurning, she would be stood their with her hands on her hips calling me sleazy and disgusting.

When I left my clothes on the bathroom floor after showering she'd ask why they smelt so odd and would pick them up with rubber gloves.

She'd turn out my pockets before putting the trousers into the machine and find a drinks slip with "I wanna be your horny bottom-bitch" scrawled over it.

Who'd have thought she'd now be gloating about her Friday nights spent at the local bush bar? A bar where most of the balls are to be found on the pool table.

Next she's going to be wanting to come the Gay Pride holding one of those ridiculous banners that says "Our Bobby's a Bender". Or something similar.

And then she'll be hogging the floor at Fire in Vauxhall, with her T-shirt tucked behind her bra, passing around the poppers.

It'll end at Christmas with her giving me a Tom of Finland book, rubber underwear and the Queer As Folk UK boxset. In the card it'll say "the rimming scene in episode 1 is H-O-T. Luv Mum".

I sincerely hope not.

Thank god my parents live in Cape Town, 10,000 miles from Vauxhall or Fire.
I'm sure my mum probably thinks that Tom of Finland is one of Santa's little helpers.
And I hope my mum is convinced that rimming is how you apply Domestos to the toilet.

Please God let it stay that way.

Mum, I'm really not that comfortable with you telling me how drunk you got in a lesbian bar. No offence.

13 comments:

dickophile said...

hahaha. priceless.

Timmy said...

I can't even imagine my mom being at gay bar much less a lesbian bar!!! And the poppers? Well, she can by those in the frozen food section at the grocery store (they're jalapenos stuffed with cream cheese, battered and deep fried...and quite yummy).

Bobby Cox said...

Timmy - I don't think I've had those type of poppers actually.
Or any poppers.

Monty said...

HILARIOUS post!!! :-)

Bobby Cox said...

Monty! thanks.

fleetmonkey said...

Would your Mum even know what domestos was - thought your parents had staff.

Would you imagine your Mum more as Sharon Gless in the US Queer as folk or the Denise Black UK version?

czechOUT said...

Ditch the Tom of Finland and tell her to get you some of Dirk Bikkembergs Gold.

She may not be close to Fire, but she'll certainly be closer to the Karoo desert-so maybe she could bring back one of those footballers as well? Actually get her to take 1 for me as well. The one with the tattoo.

Martin said...

I always thought how nice it would be if my mom was a little more comfortable with all things gay. After reading this I'm happy for things to stay as they are. The last thing I need is to run into my mom at Beaulah - which is a fabulous bar BTW. It might still be better than your dad visiting Amsterdam Action Bar (the latest addition to the gay scene in CPT) - can you imagine running into him in him in the maze, or strapped into the sling?

seahorse said...

lol great as always!
like that 1 episode where the old lady says in little britain to the priest what Daffyd needs is a good cock up his ass and when she asks how much the poppers are at the village fete!

Bobby Cox said...

Czech: Ohmygod, I HAVE to have a pair of those gold trunks. My track record with gold swimwear is mixed. Those will SO restore the balance.

Martin: There are some images I just can't take. Amsterdam bar (where is that!?) and my dad together is one of them.

Seahorse: I'm sorry but where have you been? Thanks...

Bobby Cox said...

Seahorse - and why the hell are we not allowed to read your blog?!

Martin said...

Bobs - Amserdam bar was recently openened by the same guys who originally opened Hothouse. or at least that's my understanding. It's on the same street as Bar Code - basically between Bar Code and Beaulah bar which is on the corner with Somerset Road.

I haven't been there. I ma however told that: Downstairs is apparantly a normal bar with pool tables, etc - it's called "the bottom bar". Upstairs is the actain part, called "The Top Bar" with a maze, dark room, sling, etc etc etc.

Slowly growing in popularity.

Bobby Cox said...

Martin: One would have thought they would have put the sling in the bottom bar.