Saturday, 29 November 2008

Comeback queen

If Elvis had re-emerged from the dead and crawled onto the stage in a wedding dress singing Like A Virgin, they would have been like "meh."

Instead on X-Factor we were witness to Britney's comeback.

Of course the media completely talked the whole thing down. I think it may have been one of the tabloids that described it as the greatest reappearance since Jesus.

You can always rely on the newspapers to keep things in context.

Finally at around 10.20pm last night on ITV1 this cataclysmic event happened.

Doormat O'Laundret could barely contain himself as he announced that now it was time for Ba-rit-neee.

The sound system groaned under the over-used strains of Carmina Burana, fireworks burst and big flashy silver graphics alerted us to Ba-rit-nee's various successes.

"One and a quarter billion albums sold", "more than 85 number 1 hit singles" and "972 grammy awards won".

Curiously the "27 bottles of OxyContin necked in a single sitting" fact seemed to have been forgotten.

Then from behind a massive un-ironed sheet Ba-rit-nee appeared. The crowd went wild and in a thousand living rooms across Britain squadrons of young gay men let out a small wee.

For the next 3-odd minutes Ba-rit-nee stomped around the stage, flinging her hair about and miming badly to a song which seemed to only have two words.

You. Womaniser. You you you you. Womaniser. Womaniser. Womaniser. You. Womaniser. You You Womaniser.
(Here in England we spell it with an s)

Suddenly Ba-rit-nee was standing with her hands in the air as some dancer lay on the floor and the song was over.

O'Laundromat then bounded on to ask the Ms Spears a few questions.

"Do you have any advice for our X-Factor contestants?", he enquired.

"Yeah, just keep going", replied Ba-rit.
(Read: Fuck off, I don't know who you are - I don't have a goddam clue what this show is about because I've spent the last few hours in my suite at the Dorchester with the TV off.)

Before she could leave the stage it seemed that everyone on earth was united in their verdict; a truly astonishing performance by the world's greatest-ever singer of the best song ever written.

Suddenly I felt like the little boy who pointed at the naked emperor.

If that was the greatest comeback performance by one of the best performers in the world than either:

a/ the whole world has gone mad or
b/ I'm getting too old for that sort of thing.


Timmy said...

That's considered a comeback?

fleetmonkey said...

I'm glad to say due to my blanket avoidance of X-Factor I missed it.

If this is her Elvisesque comeback she can now feel free to go to Vegas and die on a toilet.

Apparently she did something or was supposed to have at G-A-Y later in the evening but I am hearing mixed reports as to whether she did appear, it was a drag queen and the total fairy body count.

Jake said...

I agree with you, it was lame and I don't know why everyone was wetting themselves.

Bitch didn't even sing live! On a live singing competition. And she couldn't be fucked to do any of the other stuff other stars have done. Even Mariah did the advice class!

W said...

i dont think that question is an 'either/ or', just and 'and'.

Bobby Cox said...

Timster: I think that that's what it's called?!

Fleets: Yeah - Britney in G-A-Y. How could they tell unless she was performing? It's like when you see Patsy Stone on Gay Pride Day - some of them look better than than the real thing.

Jake: Exactly - even Pariah Mariah stood around the piano and showed a smidgen of interest. And Elton John too! Not that I watch X-Factor or anything of course...

W: I think you're maybe correct.

Monty said...

Well, thankfully, I live in Australia and so we don't get the X-Factor and so, cough, sadly missed out on Ms Spears' long awaited comeback...or whatever. Am seriously considering either throwing myself under a bus or maybe just a wee toast to my good luck in missing it! :-)

dickophile said...

i saw it on youtube and wasnt that impressed. but this was in the uk dahling. not the us. i think for her this was just a practice run innit?

fuck. every time i come over here i feel the urge to speak british.

Bobby Cox said...

Monty: Don't know yourself under a bus - it would be a terrible waste. And hello! A bus is SO unoriginal.

Dicks: Dahhhling - you do British so eloquently....

Fresco said...

Britney who?

Key sentence: "Squadrons of young gay men let out a small wee." :-)

Bobby Cox said...

Fresco: The only currency I deal in are the facts. ;-)