Journey starts maybe

07:48

So. This should be interesting.

In a few hours I leave for Heathrow. I will travel on the Heathrow Express which will leave from Paddington Station.
After a short journey on the Express I will get off at the station marked "Terminals 1, 2 & 3" upon which I will walk up to the concourse.

There, I will approach the Virgin Atlantic desks and get my bags checked-in for VS601 bound for Johannesburg, South Africa. The flight leaves the UK at 20.30 tonight.

Why am I telling this? Because the laundry basket is still overflowing and the suitcase is, well...

Look at it. It's loaded with old clothes and is sitting in the cupboard. Fuck.

What I do have though is this, from my last trip to Cape Town in March...

R30 is about £2. With this R30 I am going to buy myself a big fat huge stinking Castle Lager when I get to Johannesburg. Not because I damn-well deserve it after the crap of the last few days but because it will be a bloody miracle if I get totally packed and ready in time.

My getting ready could not have been done last night because I got very drunk and fell asleep on the sofa. When I got home my housemate was waiting at the door with a huge glass of red wine. I ended up polishing off the bottle and more.

So I have a hangover, am not packed and can't really pack anything because it's all filthy and my head hurts. Hooray!

I need to go to the Sainsbury's and holy shit. Okay, I think I'm going to stop bollocking about and get on with it. Fuck. Panic. Okay.

14:30
Right, so we're packed and ready to leave for the airport in an hour or so.

You may or may not know this but basically I am King of Upgrades. Six flights to South Africa in five years, all upgraded. I have a serious reputation to protect.

There are a few tricks when blagging an upgrade and one of them is to dress well so I have co-ordinated. I have decided my look should be "polo prep".

With a photo of my outfit and a few Photoshopped trees, this is a blueprint of the tone I am going for...

The jersey is totally strategic because if you don't get upgraded you wear it to hide the shirt. That way you don't look like an over-dressed numpty in Economy.

I am going to finish getting ready. See you at the airport.

18:00
Boys, boys, boys and Liz.

I am officially the undisputed King of Upgrades.

I bought an Economy Class ticket and I have blagged my way to Upper Class. But not just Upper Class on Virgin Atlantic. No, no... I am sitting and typing this in the Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse.

To get into here you need to flash the airline's Gold Card or er, that's it.

In this Clubhouse there is non-stop service and everything is free. In fact, I think there is someone in the loo who'll wipe your bum with a freshly moisturised hand, should you request it.

I have nestled myself between a glass of champagne and the mushroom linguine.

Yes, some woman brings you a menu, you order what you like and it arrives. Brilliant.

There are a lot of very fat rich people wandering around. After the events of the last few days I am going to sit back and gulp the complimentary champagne. At this rate I might have to be helped onto the aircraft.

Maybe things aren't so bad. Life is fine. Screw the bastards on that silly job.

Of course it can't all be good and if I was to be honest I would say the following...

Drinking complimentary champagne in a five-star environment is a blast. I just wish that I had someone to share it with.

See you in South Africa.