Passenger action on the Jubilee Line

Have you ever been on the Tube when there have been delays because of "passenger action"? I sometimes wonder what they mean by "passenger action" because Transport for London are usually quite explicit.

If someone jumps in front of a train they say that there are delays "due to a person under a train". Or if someone is taken ill then they will say just that.

But what is "passenger action?" Well, I can tell you.

It's Friday 26th March 2010 (holy shit where is the year going?!)

Anyway, I am travelling into Central London at around 22:20 and I get into a carriage where there is a woman sat who is, quite simply, raving. She's shaking and yelling.

This being London, everyone else is ignoring her by reading their paper but someone has pulled the alarm.

There are two extra-strength beer tins on the floor where she is sat and she's holding another one.

I step out of the carriage as soon as I got on and it's not long before staff from the station arrive.

The Tube employee is trying to get the woman to let go of the can of alcohol that she won't stop drinking from.

It's not long before the ambulance service arrives and thankfully by this time they have managed to prize the can of lager from the woman's grip. Can you see it on the ground near the door?

Now we get to the frustrating bit.

The woman is absolutely inebriated, on super-strength beer so she's shaking, shouting and refuses to get off the train. I reckon she was bordering on an alcoholic stupor. She can't speak but is making loud shouty noises.

And when the paramedics try to lift her up, she yelps and wiggles loose to become free and fall back into the chair. She's too drunk to even tell them to fuck off!

(Note man with newspaper...)

Finally, having sat there for about 5 minutes, other paramedics have arrived and with the help of the station staff, the woman is picked up and bundled off the train...

She off and we're on the move!

We arrive at the next station, the train doors open and from the platform you can hear the automated announcement.

"Ladies and Gentleman there are delays reported on the Jubilee Line due to passenger action at West Hampstead station."

So you know what that means...

Thoughts on I Love You Phillip Morris

There are definitely spoilers ahead so, if you want to see the film, I wouldn't bother reading further because it will just spoil it for you.

OK, so if you didn't know - because the makers of the film have been struggling to find a distributor for it; 'I Love You Phillip Morris' is like a gay rom-com-con drama prison thingy with Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor.

Ewan McGregor (he Scottish) plays an American and there are a few times when his accent wobbles. And Jim Carrey sometimes teeters on the verge of becoming Ace Ventura and shouting "aaallll-righty then!"

But actually, on the whole, the film is pretty good. Well, there is one sex scene that is like hectically gay.
That's not to say that the sex scene makes it bad - it's just that the level of er - detail, I don't think was necessary.

I liked that the film appears to be a "start to finish" film but actually takes a lot of twists and turns. Get me?

The narrative has a lot of colours and textures too. There's farce, comedy, romantic moments, smutty moments, sad moments - it's all in there.

Maybe the reason that this isn't a better film is that it does sometimes feel a bit box-tickey.

I spotted a few Hitchcockian noir-ish techniques, for example, whenever Ewan McGregor's character is upset, he is seen behind the shadow of prison bars.

And just before bad things are about to happen, calm water features in the scene.

Anyway.

Yeah, the groany bit was at a particularly tender moment the Duetto-Sul Aria from Mozart's Marriage of Figaro is heard which is, of course, used heavily in The Shawshank Redemption. Maybe this is on purpose.

My friend Katie (she, straight) said she really enjoyed it and thought I might like it. I phoned her afterwards and thanked her for the recommendation.

"I thought it would be 90 minutes of La Cage Aux Folles, but I was pleasantly surprised."

I am not recommending you go and see it. Four people walked out during the film. You'll either mildly enjoy it or loathe it. True?

Thoughts on Alice in Wonderland 3D

There may be spoilers ahead so if you don't want to know, then don't read on...

So. I absolutely loved it. Loved it.

Do you know when you're sitting watching a film and you think to yourself, 'god, I'm just so loving sitting here and watching this?'
That's how I was in 'Alice'.

I loved The Red Queen, played by Helena Bonham Carter. Loved. I loved Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat.

Of course Tim Burton (the director) lives up the road from me in Hampstead in London (please note monumental name and suburb bomb, thanks...) Anyway, so old Timmy, my mate, lives up the road and obviously takes walks on Hampstead Heath in the winter because so much of the scenery resembled Hampstead Heath.

So it all felt warm and close to home. Aaah...

And did you notice too, for example, when Alice is sitting in the White Queen's castle before she slays the Jabberwocky - the scenery isn't matte painted, the waterfalls in the background actually fall?

It's those minute attentions to detail that meant I just felt lavished from start to finish.

I didn't find the 3D tiring or intrusive and there weren't the tedium of endless things flying out into the audience.

It was colourful, clever, visually stunning and; I have read some critics who've moaned that the characters are a bit short and one-dimensional but I disagree. This is Alice in Wonderland, it's hardly fucking Ingmar Bergman.

Oh well. I loved it and would go and see it again. And Johnny Depp was brilliant too. Although I am a massive fan of Tim Burton. Batman and Beetlejuice are in my Top 40 movies of all time, like.

I would give it 8.5 out of ten.

All you can eat...

If you're in Cape Town and you don't go I will consider it a dereliction of your duties...

And with a whole 27 of them, there's more than enough to go around...

So come on then... fresh meat anyone? You for seconds? Do you like your beef salted? etc...

David Beckham causes earthquake in snowy Vancouver*

* = not really, but it sounds good.

I know we've done it before but like a dog returning to its own vomit, we'll do it again...

This is only because it's one of my obsessions... So, how much do we love pictures of suburbia?

You'll find the original here.

The original photo is here.

This is nearly as cool as a David Hockney painting...

See the original photo here.

And then this one, which almost has The Jetsons theme tune running in my head...

The original photo is posted here.

Be. Still. My. Beating. Heart...!

The original photos is available here.

It's the awnings man... it's all about the awnings!

The picture is available here.

Okay... I think that's enough obsessing about amazing houses...

Thoughts on A Single Man

Big flashing pink black warning: Major spoilers ahead.
If you have seen the movie or don't plan to but are interested anyway, read on... otherwise don't read further because it will spoil the film for you...

Yeah. There's nothing nicer on a Friday lunchtime than going to a cinema and being all alone in the audience, ironically, to watch A Single Man.

The only problem is that I really didn't enjoy it. Or rather, I did right up until the last 3 minutes.

So, extraordinarily stubborn man's lover dies and he believes that life isn't worth living so he's going to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

But at the last moment man meets a young hottie so decides not to commit suicide but then falls off the bed and dies of a heart attack. Are you kidding me?!

OK, the film is ba-yootiful. Stunning. The art direction is beautiful. It is beautifully shot. Beautiful clothes. Beautiful sets. Polished cars. Clean surfaces etc.
It is luxurious, rich and sumptuous, like a two-hour Gucci advert (Tom Ford, ahem...)

And Julianne Moore is stunning, the boys are stunning, Colin Firth and his hair are great. The lighting, the shots - everything is absolutely handsome but you pile all of that onto a story that, for me, has such a flimsy ending and the whole thing collapses under its own weight.

Which is exactly what happens.

Colin Firth's character George is a complete drama queen. He is stubborn and annoying. Yeah, we all have issues in our lives and we get over them. I haven't read the book (by Christopher Isherwood) but I did think to myself that he was too arrogant to commit suicide. He wallowed in his own self pity. Colin Firth plays all of that, exceptionally.

I loved the use of "Ebben... Ne Andro Lontana" when George is trying to kill himself. Complete melodrama.
The aria, from La Wally, is basically sung by a despairing women who thinks she's lost everything.

I loved Julianne Moore's character. Did I say that?! She's Patsy Stone with better hair.

I loved the scene when George is solicited by the Spaniard outside the bottle store though I couldn't work out if the screaming Psycho poster was on purpose.

Yeah. For a directorial debut (at the risk of getting really poncey...) it was very good. But the massive anti-climax at the end ruined the whole thing.
It's like those annoying films that continues for two hours, only for the main character to wake up at the end and realise it was all a dream.

Or when a friend starts to tell you a really good story and ends it with "I'm only joking..."
Meh.

David Cameron votes to stike British Airways with a Ford Fiesta*

* = not really.

I don't know what Grindr is. Actually, I have never even heard of this social-networking device for poofies and half-poofies.

Although I will say that a friend of mine once downloaded Grindr and turned it on at the office and the bloody thing went into meltdown which is probably why my friend only uses Grindr for shits and giggles.
And to gossip about colleagues he spots on Grindr.

Oh, go on then... yes or no?!

And, yes or no?!

And finally...

Even when you're cruising, always remember the earthquake victims...

If someone had the initiative they would register guysongrindr.com and turn it into the new Guys with iPhones.

Sometimes I think I should give up my usual job and start up an internet consultancy. For example, I still can't believe that the official Wimbledon website is at www.wimbledon.org

Surely the URL should be www.wimbledon.net

Think about it...