Wake up. Wake up. Wake up! That's because the doorbell has rung.
It's the landlord and he has this incredible knack of being on time so when he says he's going to arrive at 10am, the doorbell fucking goes at 10am.
Isn't being woken by the doorbell the most intrusive thing in the whole world?
Holy shit. I really hope the landlord doesn't venture into the lounge. He will not like what I've done to his carpet...
This an illustration of the dangers of propping a glass of red wine on the couch while you're watching A Fish Called Wanda.
How on earth am I going to manage to get that stain out? Fuck!
Watching the TV where some German swimmer is apparently now better than Michael Phelps.
All I will say is...
... hands off bitches, he's mine. I bagged shotgun first.
Go and find your own swimmers.
Oh shit. Sorting through some photos on the camera and remember that last night I also dropped a glass of red wine in the kitchen.
In our house, when you do something like smash a glass you grab the camera before you grab the dustpan and brush.
God we're so creative. In our house we eat beauty.
In our house we shit design.
The neighbours look at our house, shake their heads a little and look on longingly. "God, if only we could be a little more like Bobs and Sally in that house."
We allow this philistine hero worship to happen outside not because it makes us feel important but because it gives them something in their life.
(cont. on pg. 94)
The carpet needs vacuuming. The cupboard needs tidying and I'm not even going to start on the revolting duvet cover.
And the curtains!? Are they on purpose?
Ohmygod. Have you watched Project Runway USA?
What utter fabulous nonsense.
Some silver-haired man with this weird mid-Atlantic drawl keeps walking into a room full of wannabe fashion moguls going "hullooo diseeners..."
And then, in unison, they all go "hullloooo Tim."
Tonight on Project Runway (Season 4) they have to design and make some suit and then they have to show it bla bla.
One of the designers has the nerve to make a jacket from - er, fuck knows what the faaa-bric was and one of the judges goes "ohmygod, that construction makes me wanna reach for the Xanax."
And the irony of a room full of people designing clothes to make people look beautiful, fabulous, ohmygod, "I wanna feel beauty and inner peace with this design", "holy mother-fucking-crap your design is just so fucking pure and goddam fucking beautiful." etc.
On Sky News we have pictures some starving family in Somalia eating food out of clay bowls as the flies circle a newborn. The reporter very grimly intones, "it is an upsetting scene though not uncommon..."
On Project Runway we have a model walking down the catwalk with (goddam-mother-fucking) safety pins in the sleeve of his jacket. The judge shrieks "ohmyfuckingod, that is the most hideous goddam-mother-fucking thing I have ever seen. I want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty fucking nail.
Is there a Project Runway boxset? I must have then all!
Jack has won this evening's task. His first words after victory are....
Well, they've been bleeped.
Though I suspect "ohmygoddam-mother-fucking-god" is probably not far off the mark.
I decide to live my goddam-motherfucking-ohmygod life more like the goddam-fuck-mother-shit contestants on fucking Project Fucking Runway.
All I want is to be the most beautiful motherfucking person in the whole goddam motherfucking world.
Oh yeah. I need to show you how I got the red wine stain out of the carpet.
Fuck. Spank me laters. You're beautiful.
And don't you forget it.