Get out of bed.
Now come on, let's not be having any of those comments like "lucky I didn't wake up with a stiffy" etc.
Anyway. It's time for gym.
Our Sally has texted because she went out for dinner with her fella last night and there was a commotion outside the restaurant.
It turns out that some blokes from a singing competition on ITV were having dinner at the eatery next door.
Do these two mean anything to you?
They were apparently chomping chicken at the Nando's up the road from us.
Now we're wondering if the house where these contestants are staying in, is in the area?!
Afterall, our suburb is a little mecca for shlebs you know.
This topic allows me to drop celebrity names like bombs over Dresden.
Stephen Fry lives around the corner. Literally. As does Emma Thompson. Except for Stephen you turn left, Emma you turn right. Ahem! Please note first-name basis...*
Imelda Staunton (slightly high-brow, I admit) is on the right, past the Tesco.
The only person's house who we can't find is (the legendary) Chaka Khan's.
So anyway. It becomes necessarily important for me to find out if we live near the X-Factor house. Right.
* = this is a slight fallacy in that I actually don't know either of them at all. Although if you have lunch at the splendishness that is J's (down from Nando's) there's a very good chance you'll bump into Ms Thompson.
It turns out we don't live near the X Factor house which is actually on West Heath Road in Golders Green.
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Amusingly though, when the Google Streetcars drove past some time ago, the house was still being built...
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Anyway. Enough of those people in that house.
Changing the names of films can be fun.
Mission: I'm bummable or what about er...
Gays of Thunder or say...
Top Bum? Golden Rain Man? Arse Wide Open? or my favourite Torn By The Girth Of A Guy
Ed: I think that's quite enough film titles for the moment...
I think this is turning into some cheap celebrity tittle-tattle mag. But is that a bad thing?
Oh come one, let's have one more...
What about Cock Tale?
Once again the fucking internet has crashed and I have lost everything I was in the middle of typing... and what the fuck is it with Macintosh fucking computers not auto-fucking-saving work. Fuck.
What was I saying?!
Oh yeah... after a long hard days' grafting is this really what you want to be stuck behind while changing at Bond Street tube station...
God I've lost the will.
It's mainly because I am so fucking broke at the moment it's not funny. Like you were laughing anyway.
We get paid on Thursday and I have less than £1 to my name in coins. At the moment I am living like a shipwrecked person on a deserted island.
I make food from waste thrown out by the neighbours, I drink from discarded juice containers and when all of that is gone I eat the pets who live nearby.
I've taken to flogging old books, CDs and shoes to passers-by outside the Sainsbury's on Kilburn High Road.
If they ignore me I sing Paula Abdul.
Ooh na na...
You're the whisper of a summer breeze
You're the kiss that puts my soul at ease...
What I'm saying is, I'm into you...
If none of that works then I get my knob out and do the fucking hokey-pokey.
I recycle the teabags and once all the tea has been squeezed out of them, I use the remnants as toothpaste. But I spit it out and it finally goes onto the manure heap.
After gym I eat the towel as a protein supplement. I'm thinking of getting married so I can collect the rice. I'm eating cereal with a bloody fork to save the milk.
When people come over for dinner nowadays, the best I can do is to read the recipes to them.
I have turned my underpants in and out so many times it's like I'm wearing origami.
I am so fucking poor at the moment that the banks are even threatening to repossess the cardboard box I sleep in. Fucking NatWest (again).
When burglars do come and disturb me, it's only to leave money. Even the fucking cockroaches have abandoned the place.
I'm having to use half-lit cigarette ends for heating.
I'm so fucking skint at the moment I can't even bother to put my two cents' worth into finishing this.
Yes, I am so goddam broke I can't even pay attention.