Keeping it brief

If you've been on the Tube in the last few days you couldn't have missed the following poster which is stuck up in just about every station on the network.

This one is from Bond Street but this evening I spotted other copies at Queensway and Tottenham Court Road...

The ad is for D&G (who?) and it shows five Italian rugby players.

Using buff sportsmen as underwear models is apparently très chic and never been done before.

However.

Please don't be jealous when I tell you this but I've slept with all five of them.

Correction. I've slept with four of them; two seperately, two together and the fifth I actually turned down.

Since I am an altruistic sort of chap - and you're just a perv - I'll happily give you all the details. You needn't ask.

We might as well start with the one I turned I down - he's circled red in the picture below.

Real name: Benito Bocchino, he's a mere 22 years old which initially put me off.

Then I heard that to all his friends his nickname is Patsy Passive. He apparently has an arse like the windsock at Heathrow; a self-confessed power-bottom. Not really my scene so I said thanks but no thanks.

The two circled in the green are the pair I took together. Luckily I did because what the one lacked the other made up for.

The one on the left is Tito Tirare, he's 27 years old. And before your eyes start watering, I have one word for you...

Tissues.

As I said, what the one lacked the other made up for. The one on the right is of course Stefano Sbrodare, he's 21. Centimetres that is.

There's nothing much to fault with Stefano the screamer. Except for that, of course. Stefano vocalised like a Ferrari going up a hill at 150mph in first.

Things didn't go that well with Tito in the end. He farted so I kicked him out of bed.

Moving on to the dark green circle or should I say Umberto Uccello.

What a sweetie. Was a bit apprehensive because in his spare time he trawls the stages of Bologna as Betsy Busone - a cabaret tribute act to all the divas; Liza, Judy and Elton. He apparently does a killer medley of the Cabaret hits.

Drag queens aren't really my scene but once he'd taken off the dress, undone the girdle and removed the Sellotape, it was great.

Finally, circled in blue is Enzo Assatanato. I have left him til last - just as you would the best.

You know what they say about the quiet ones? Enzo has more tricks up his sleeve than the entire graduate class at the London School of Magic.

One of them is for Enzo to put his leg behind his head, he's the self-confessed Pilates Queen of Pisa.

And not just that. So talented is Enzo, he could suck the chrome off a tow-hitch on a Lamborghini. And boy, in the end, did we need that warm towel.

So that's the inside gossip. You see, rooting through the national rugby squad of Italy is extremely tiresome, dull even. But somebody's gotta do it.

Thanks for listening.

And by the way.
Everything I've just said - all of the above is a complete lie. Also, I don't sleep with sportsmen who model underwear in their spare time. Or at least not ones who pose for D&G.