Twelve ugly pairs of socks that wouldn't even make it into the dressing up box
Eleven bottles of cheap carbonated wine mixed with shitty orange juice marked as "Festive Buck's Fizz"
Ten annoying and slightly drunk fathers who insist on calling it Fuck's Bizz.
Nine Jewish people trying to live life as usual
Eight (hundred thousand) people who've plunged themselves even further into credit card debt by buying expensive but crap presents.
Seven putrid chocolate and coffee-type drinks with some bitter chemicals thrown in, marked as a Festive Zinger Latte and served in a red cup.
[Unfortunately, due to an oversight, "Six" is currently awaiting government bail-out money because the management were all greedy fuckers who screwed just about everyone, except themselves, over.]
Five poofs on Gaydar offering a horny festive fuck-fest and chemmed-up cum-dump session. No fatties or fems.
Four managers at WH Smith screaming "Jesus H. Christ, how many times do I have to tell you to keep this door shut", at their staff.
Three smug London Underground workers announcing that anyone wanting to travel on Christmas or Boxing day might just as well get fucked.
Two mothers in Woolworths calling their kids "little fuckers who're not gonna get anyfing cos the store's gone bust. Now stop fucking whining."*
And some cheap imitation and imported partridge in a pear tree marked "Proudly British" but made by poor starving workers in a sweatshop outside Beijing.
Merry Christmas etc.
* = a seasonal note to Christmas shoppers that the CD store zavvi has also gone bust, so if you couldn't management to find it in Woolies, chances are it'll be in the zavvi discount bin instead.