Sparkling diamonds

Urgh.

This morning on the Tube into work one man stank of garlic and another had dry scalp issues.

And the Jubilee Line is usually one of the better lines, travelling through some of London's richest suburbs and then into the financial heart of the capital.

This morning I had an idea and I think the guy who owns the Jubilee Line is missing a trick.

Just as when you travel on National Rail in Britain, so it should be on the Tube - two classes of travel.

Common class and Upper Class - or in this case, Diamond Jubilee Class.

It would make the journey into work so much more pleasant and I have applied my mind to this.

They should make one carriage in each train available for Diamond Jubilee Class passengers only.

In Diamond Jubilee Class there would be no smelly builders, no-one eating anything from Chicken Cottage and no-one playing their fucking guitar.

In Diamond Jubilee Class there would be seating for everyone, mood lighting and occasional pillows.

Small TVs dotted throughout the carriage would play short vignettes from the latest arthouse cinema releases and soothing hits from the Naxos collection would complete the ambience.

On selected lines, other Diamond Jubilee Class ambassadors would pass through the carriage with a selection of hot and cold drinks (soya substitute and pro-biotic variants included).

Pulling into the station there would be no automatic voice. "The next station is St John's Wood. Please mind the crap bla bla..." No.

Instead, Sue - a Carriage Ambassador, would excuse herself for interrupting those reading the complimentary copies of Camus, Proust and Dostoyesvky to pre-announce stations.

"Dear Diamond Clubbers. We're now pulling into Bond Street. Those wishing to change for the Central Line will find the complimentary transfer service located on the platform towards the rear doors. (Golf cart, clearly marked 'Diamond Passengers ONLY')

Waiting at every alighting point, another Carriage Ambassador would be there with a warm towel and a smile.

Here we see the lovely Amelia welcoming Diamond Club passengers at West Hampstead station.

In another example, we see the interior of a Diamond Club class carriage.

Each carriage would have its own bespoke theme - this one is Moroccan souk.

And before I hear you will sigh and say, "Bobby these are amazing ideas but who's really going to pay to travel Diamond Club class?"

Well, I tell you, it's no more affordable than what you'd pay now.

All we'll do is ramp up the price for the proletariat using Common class to subsidise us beautiful people in Diamond Class.

Sounds fair to me.