Here, buy one of these for that someone you love.
They're on sale outside Finchley Road tube station. Go now before some feral youth with a pellet gun shoots them all.
I, for one, am going to do something special for the person that I love.
Yes, I'm going to allow myself and extra 2-hour lie-in tomorrow morning and I may even award myself a celebratory Valentine's Day wank.
Or I may just pick my nose and scratch my bum instead.
Valentine's Day my arse.