When you hear someone say that there aren't enough hours in the day, it's because their time management is shit.
Which is why I decided that from September 1, I was going to make an effort.
1/ Cut down on the drinking. I can feel my kidneys / pancreas / liver aching on a near-daily basis. However, I will say that Kronenburg Blanc is just so tasty. Anyway, no more of alcohols for an entire month.
2/ Go to gym more. This summer - since flying back from Cape Town on June 16th, I've probably been to gym no more than 20 times. I just can't be fucked.
4/ I can't remember what the third one was but the forth one was to make an effort with these internets more. What's the point if you don't ever make a point?
At least I can resolve point four right now because I am writing on this.
Here is the mandatory but random picture:
Yum. Last night while I was at work, sorting through a mountain of tapes, I decided that one day before The Resolution, I would scoff a pizza.
Yum yum, bubblegum... stick your finger up your bum. But not in a gay way.
It was delicious and I decided to accompany it with these plastic garlic wedgey-things who did a very good job at pretending to be edible.
Now here comes the inevitable paragraph on regret and self-loathing:
Oh, I wish I had the willpower to say no to pizza and fattening, ugly, dirty food that makes you fat and unattractive.
It's like the fuse that some people have, that blows a circuit at the mere mention of carbs, just doesn't work with me. I don't stop - I just devour.
Oh, if only I had a body like the model in the aussieBum adverts, then people would respect me and listen to what I had to say and offer to sleep with me.
And I would have people tell me I was funny and interesting and I would be fabulous and lovely and interesting and only hang around people who live in flats with mezzanines and good lighting.
And finally, here's the all-important but hollow resolution:
Tomorrow I am going to make extra-special effort at the gym.
All I want in life is to be photographed with my friends on the beach in a Speedo, so that I can post it on Facebook and make the album as public as possible so that everyone in the world can see just how interesting (and beautiful) I am.
I am going to do that. Tomorrow, I promise myself - the first start at the beginning of the journey of the rest of my life.
I'm not getting any younger - only older, so the time is now.
"Do everything you can do, now!", is my new motto. Just as Cher says on her 1996 Farewell Tour album - the one after The Very Very Last Good-Bye Ever Tour.
Get ready cos I'm coming at cha! I'm a lover and a lighter. Er, fighter I mean. I will conquer.
So that was easy enough. Maybe we should do it all again tomorrow then?