And the film we went to see tonight was RocknRolla and it was fucking brilliant.
Now I know there are some amongst us who don't really care for gangster films set in London (show me a gay who does...) but boys we are in for a treat.
Forget that nearly all of the critics have absolutely panned it, this film is as camp as the midnight showing of the Wizard of Oz on the eve of San Francisco Pride.
First we have Gerard Butler in the lead. This is the guy who everyone panted over when his sixpack bulged out of the movie poster for 300. In case you'd forgotten, this is what he looks like. Remember?
In RocknRolla you get to see his arse during one of the many scenes where the homoeroticism thrusts off the screen. Nearly every humorous aside is a quip about gays.
And then there's a character called Handsome Bob (what a name!). Handsome Bob is the cockiest, sexiest fucker ever. This is Tom Hardy who plays Handsome Bob...
I love Handsome Bob. After you've seen it, you'll love Handsome Bob too.
However, not just content with sticking these two geezers on screen, Guy Ritchie also gives us what Amy Winehouse would be like if she were a 6'2 man with a sixpack.
Toby Kebbell plays the Amy Manhouse guy, a junkie rocker called Johnny Quid. Johnny lives with another bloke (!) in a flat where he spends all of the time with his tracksuit trousers nearly falling down.
He also sports the coolest collection of gold sunglasses in the history of the world ever. If I couldn't have him for his cocky attitude, I would take him for his sunglasses. Here, let's all swoon at Toby...
There are also these two burly Russian bodyguards (who enjoy showing off their scars to each other) and in one scene, one of them is running after Gerard Butler in a train tunnel.
For some unknown bizarre, this blonde Russian bodyguard, wounded and bloodied but has a body like a brick shithouse, rips off his shirt to reveal these massive pecs and rippling sixpack in a move that would make the Chippendales blush.
Later in the film we see him in his black underpants hovering over Gerard Butler who is tied face down on a bed. I kid you not.
They antagonise each other by making mock blow-job signs with their hands and tongues.
RocknRolla is the coolest, sexiest most stylish two hours of movie I have seen in a long time. The soundtrack rocks too. Especially I'm a Man by Black Strobe and Waiting for a Train by Flash and the Pan.
Finally, Thandie Newton plays this hard-as-nails bitchy millionaire diva accountant (loving it!) who's in a marriage of convenience to a gay. Another one.
Forget all the crap that people have written. You're not going to see some clever gangster movie.
Instead you're going to watch a group of very fit, cocky blokes (excluding the old dude and the Russian billionaire) doing Carry on Gangster meets one of those sexy Dolce and Gabbana adverts. I loved it and give it 11 out of 10.
If want, I'll go with you to see it again. But I take no responsibility if you go and see it and hate it!