I am travelling on the London Underground line known as The Hammersmith and City Line*.
On the floor in the carriage there is a newspaper, strewn asunder for the general populace of London to tread their mucky shoes all over.
And what's that? A big, hairy, muscle-bear peering out from the gossip pages...
Oh. That's Hugh Jack-in-the-box who is married and who is straight.
* = It is pink.
I am sitting at my desk at work which provides a brilliant case study for anyone interested in the science of mixed emotions.
You see, I am earning a lot of extra money by coming into the office to oversee some work but, I could have had a better Friday night had I done what everyone else was doing.
Which is better, taking extra money or having a party? My life is full of these sort of epic decisions that I face on a near quarterly-hour basis.
Beavering away. Speaking of beavers, can I ask you a question? Is it cool of homogays to wear fitted T-shirts that say the word 'Hustler' emblazoned across the chest?
I am feeling this is either a new cool or old hat.
(See, there's another one of those epic decisions...)
Can I tell you something and will you promise to keep schtum about it?
Next Saturday I am going to meet someone for lunch / dinner / I don't know what yet and I'm trying not to get excited about it because I'm not a 14 year old girl who's just been granted five minutes with Zac Efron.
However, I can't help but get a little* excited.
* = a lot.
There are times when I think that the whole world is involved in some sort of conspiracy and someone's forgot to tell me about it.
Or maybe they're deliberately not telling me.
For example, it is a mild Saturday afternoon in May. Not too nice that everyone's in the park though. So why is the gym like this...?
Where did all the middle-aged women go who hog the running machines and insist on not wearing sports bars. (Think two melons in a stocking on a bouncy castle)
The song of the right now is David Penn Remix of Sandy Rivera's "I Can't Stop". It is fierce, hot and playing it at a substantial volume is thoroughly recommended.
One aspect of the song I find particularly pleasing is the marcatissimo bass with reverse synthesised sweeps, providing a pleasing and satisfying counterpoint to Ms Rivera's sampled pizzicato voce.
I have something to show you although maybe you might have seen it. A friend of mine who I have never met is doing something quite interesting.
Basically he's decided to take a photo of himself every day for an entire year. Some of the pictures are quite interesting, others boring.
I really don't know what
The 365 project.
As the words came out my mouth to say yes, I knew I was going to regret it and I have tried everything possible to get out of it but alas, I have failed.
All I will say are five words. Colleagues. House party. Stoke Newington.
So I am at this party I don't want to be at, talking to people I don't want to talk to and the only person of interest is an older guy who, I learn, has a nipple ring.
I am finally going to be able to ask freely...
"So - is it for sex and what do you do with it? Say, if I ended up in bed with someone with a nipple ring - what is the handling technique on this equipment?"
Apparently it's because they're sensitive but we all knew that. However, if you pull, don't pull too hard. Sort of rub your hand over it and move it about a bit. Sensitively.
Although sometimes "if you're off your head people use it like a door knocker which hurts to buggery in the morning."
Apparently using your tongue to twiddle it about doesn't rate as highly as you think it might. And that's it.
Perhaps you'll thank me one day for this. I haven't personally had reason to need the information but I thought in it was only fair to share. Correct at will.
Um. If anyone doesn't have anything else to add shall we call it quits? I am off the Metropolitan line, back in my hood and ready for bed.
God this is dull for a Saturday night.