My whole life is upside down.
The reason for the topsy-turvy living is because I've agreed to do some night shifts. This means the day starts at 10pm and ends somewhere around 8am.
Consolation is when the pay check arrives on May 15th. That's the only reason why anyone ever works overnight.
When you turn on your TV in the morning you will see the hours of toil I have put in while you were sleeping.*
* = this service is only available to users in the United Kingdoms.
Yes, thanks for the e-mail (or e-mails rather) and yes, I have seen the cover of the latest edition of QX magazine.
The Freemasons are keeping me awake at this time, particularly the Club Mix of Beyonce's Ring the Alarm.
You know of my [in a posh accent] continued and unstinting admiration for this dance music duo [end posh accent] and I think it's because all of their tunes have killer basslines.
However, what stands out most in this particular song is the way they've used the sixth chord. Particularly when they move chromatically from the tonic to the sixth, leading into the chorus.
The album artwork on the CD single rocks too.
Beyonce and her handbags.
Ah yes, I see The Freemasons are spinning tunes at XXL on 24th May. I have made a note in my diary.
Now, now... before you write XXL off here are three important facts:
1/ It is not just a club for large hairy men. Well it mostly is but...
2/ The music is probably the best you're ever likely to hear in a club in London which is important because...
3/ For just once in your life you have to witness what a 250lb guy looks like, squeezed into a Speedo, on a podium covered in glitter and mouthing the words "baby when you touch me on my body, I lose every feeling that I used to know."
Decide to re-impose our moratorium to keep things interesting. That means there will be no talk of:
1/ The Freemasons including Beyonce
3/ Gay clubs
What do you think of this picture? Is it not the most amazing / disturbing thing you've ever seen in your entire life i.e. since you were born?
I think it's as iconic as the Man with Baby Athena poster. Or that other image of some woman with her arse hanging out on a tennis court.
What are these two guys thinking?
Is it posed?
Are they a real life couple?
Are the arms on the bottom guy for real?
Will he marry me like, now?
Finding the answers to these questions could be my life's work.
Maybe the guy on the top sold out and blew the money he made off this picture on fast cars and expensive hotels.
Maybe the guy on the bottom withdrew and became a recluse, living in northern Norway and tending to herds of reindeer.
Does the Reebok ball tell us anything?
We'll just never know.
Or I could make this the biggest adventure since Sebastian opened the book and began reading the first chapter marked 'Fantasia'.
I think the moratorium needs to be extended to ridiculous fantasies based on soft porn pictures. Perhaps.
Since I know you were wondering because maybe you've never seen this before in your life, it's certainly one of the firsts for me...
...but that's what 4:15am looks like on a clock. It's remarkably similar to what 4:15pm looks like, except you can't see the blood-shot eyes and black lines underneath.
I am walking home and on the pavement there are a pair of black shoes.
Why are they there?
Finding out why could be my life's work!
Seriously, why are there a pair of black leather shoes left on the pavement? Camden council don't offer some sort of polishing service, do they?
Or what about...
"Yes, dear, I'm leaving the house for work in my socks in the hope that, along the way, I will find that some kind fellow has outgrown a pair of shoes which he's left on the pavement and will fit me exactly."
I'm sorry I'm so crashingly dull and I don't mean to shut down the party while the dancefloor is just warming up but do you mind if I go to bed?