What the fuck time is this? Fuck, time for work.
Pet hate no. 18,825,427: Sunglasses on the tube...
Why?! It's fucking 6:30 in the morning. We all look like shit.
And we're 100 feet underground. The sun hasn't shone at this level since terrdactyls were dropping jurassic shit on the Flintstone's wooden car.
Take. Them. Off. Tosser.
For the record I just thought I should let you know that I do not earn £92,000 a year.
It's obviously far more*.
* = yes, even more than that**
** = sarcasm
Jenny is one of our assistants and what a lovely assistant she is too. Not only is Jenny a good assistant but she is also a former EU translator who speaks English, Italian, Spanish and French.
This is absolutely perfect because I have told Jenny that I've taken a new liking to everything Gallic and who knows when I may be in the company of some dashing French gentleman.
So Jenny has given me some handy phrases.
When you meet you say "it's nice to see you"
You say: Je bund pour twa"
(Je bande pour toi)
English: "I don't want lunch at Zizi".
How you say it: "Too a oon beau zeezee."
(Tu as un beau zizi)
Something like "don't worry, I'll get the bill" in English.
You say: "Je vay sesee planter oon dans votre boite arrier"
(Je vais ceci planter l'un dans votre boîte arrière.)
I nearly know them off by heart. If anyone knows any other useful French phrases I would be most grateful.
And don't try the "voulez vouz" one. I know what that means. I'm not that stupid!
What time is it? It's Westfield time!
This knitted top in A|X has my name all over it.
I'm only telling you this because I've called shotgun on it. Thanks.
I am in a meeting that is this interesting...
...as in "fuck me, I'm bored."
As you know, me writing the words fuck me would be considered hugely ironic. Let's move on.
Memo to the guy in the gym with the grey Maximuscle T-shirt and London Irish shorts:
You smiled at me and I said hello.
You made a ridiculous comment about me lifting weights and I made a bad joke about "I'm only doing it to try and look tough..."
That's the cue that I am flirting back so make a fucking move. Don't just sit for the next five minutes trying to catch my eye. Say something, for god's sake.
You started it.
We're going to have to do this with a nudge and a wink because despite what you might think, I am slightly coy about wading in with names.
It involves a revelation that made me go cold and my mouth dry.
Okay. So given what I've said previously. Yeah? That's where this revelation happens.
The name Robster, yeah? The person who calls me that? Do you know who we're talking about?
He helped me spot and afterwards wandered back to where he was doing squats and bent over.
Are you ready for this? I saw the top band above his tracksuit pants line at the back. He was wearing a black and red jockstrap.
Udo's Choice and tuna. Urgh.
Thank god today has been so much better than yesterday. To celebrate I think I'm going to retire to bed for a wank and Season 5 of Family Guy.
Although maybe not in that order.
Missing you already.