It dawns on me that the reason I think that the days don't have enough hours in them is probably because this is the time that I am surfacing.
Even pensioners are up before this but do you know what? Fuck it.
Today is a special day because it's Body Assessment Day at the gym with Chris. This is a self-imposed punishment brought on by my eternal desire to look good naked.
This desire only increases as the days plod ever on.
That's the cruelty of age. As my hair thins, my looks wrinkle and my humour becomes ever more cynical, having a good body is the only trick I have left.
One day when you're my age you'll know how it feels.
In Sainsbury's there are two old biddys standing gormlessly in the toiletries aisle.
"Sorry Sir, would you mind - it's just that we can't reach..." No problem.
One day I will be the old crank in the Sainsbury's with my push cart and an inability to reach the loo roll on the top shelf.
I decide to purchase a copy of Attitude magazine because I haven't done so for years. It is particularly unrelated to the fact that it's the "Naked Issue".
Back home and open the Attitude at this page for a cursory glance...
Someone really needs to tell the homos that having a great body isn't the be-all and end-all.
You probably won't remember this but yesterday I had a whinge about the fact that the latest Freemasons single is available on YouTube except you can't buy it until June 20th.
Well, I wrote to the band's record label asking why they were inadvertantly encouraging people to download the song illegally by not releasing it and you won't believe it but! The manager wrote back.
Basically. Radio 1 well, don't get me regurgitate everything he's written. Here's what he said:
"In order for Radio 1 (who are vital to the success of almost any artist) to play this record they have to be convinced it will be a hit record. In order to have a hit record you have to build up enough momentum and interest in the record so that when it is released it has as high a chart entry as possible. If for instance the record was available now the sales would be very low because the majority of people haven't yet heard it. So we would for instance enter the chart at 150 - this in turn would make Radio 1 doubt that the record is going to be a hit and so would stop playing it. It's crazy but that's how the radio industry works, and without radio play we are unable to sell the record."
How bad is that? Basically BBC Radio 1 has a stranglehold on the music industry.
Anyway. How nice that the boss wrote back. Do you think Madonna's manager would respond to an email the next day? Like hell he would.
So support Freemasons (how wrong does that sound?) and buy the song on June 20th and screw Radio 1. Although I shouldn't really say that.
Doing a whole bunch of washing although you'd never be able to tell...
Washing clothes has to be one of the most dull things in the entire world.
Fuck, it's nearly snooze time.
Right. Off to gym for Assessment with Chris.
Oh shit. I have the wrong day. It's on Tuesday. I don't know how I got this wrong. It must be me losing my mind.
And cue Liza Minnelli.
Arms check! Now abs and for this part of the experience I have included a handy abs guide which you will find so easy to follow.
And being such the nice gay that I am, I have timed it to that new Freemasons song... so you can sing along while you're doing it. Ready? Go!
First up baby and push ups. One, two...
"And with each step...I will forget..." (push push) "Forget all those memories of you..."
Now on your back and crunch it ya'bastards....
"Heartbreak make me a dancer, dancer... DJ give me the answer, answer..."
"Love stop getting me down, down, down..."
"Heartbreak make me a dancer, dancer..."
(Squeeze it bitches...)
"Keep my heart beating faster..."
"Love stop bringing me down, down, down..."
(And more push-ups)
Ohmygod. Did you like totally feel that?
Now repeat it at least 37 times until you cry.
I agreed to something and as the time has passed I have come to regret what I initially said but I have passed the point of no return to go back on what I said I would do.
(Here is that long sentence in visual precis:
agree <----- time lapse -----> regret agreeing...)
I'm sitting wondering why I should be at an airport in two weeks' time to get onto an airplane and fly to Cape Town. It has come time to book the ticket and I cannot do it.
But I also cannot phone up my mum and dad two weeks before they're looking forward to seeing me and say "I really can't be bothered..."
I cannot be bothered with paying hundreds for a ticket.
I cannot be bothered with sitting on an airplane for at least 24 hours.
I cannot be bothered to navigate Johannesburg International Airport - roundly considered to be an experience as close to what it was like to be in Abu Ghraib.
I cannot be bothered to get to Cape Town in the winter.
All life is shit and if you avoid doing anything then it saves you from disappointment. Life is not about getting things done or achieving anything. It is simply about managing disappointment.
People get into relationships and work hard and do nice things only to steer themselves clear from the abyss of disappointment. But in the end it will creep up on everyone.
Look how life ends - everyone dressed in black, wailing in front of a wooden box and Celine Dion bleating in the background.
Bla bla. I can't even be bothered to type any more.
And this is my other issue.
I can't decide which is the less painful option...
Knowing that something isn't going to work out but doing it anyway and then managing the disappointment.
Not doing something because you knew it wasn't going to work and enjoying the possibility of what might have been.
Experience vs ignorance. I have less than 24 hours to make a decision.
I'm thinking about buying a house in the Outer Hebrides and moving there to become a hermit and never speaking to anyone again.
I see Savills has this place in Oban on the market for £1,4m.
You fancy going halves?