So I am 31 years old and there's nothing more appropriate for a 31 year old than to be drinking up a storm in a student bar in Stellenbosch, a student town like Cambridge or New Haven.
That is why Alex has said I should be here and that is why I am here.
And drinking is what we are doing.
We have learnt that this bar is one of the places to be scene in Stellenbosch. The mean age of those around me is about 22.
I feel like the lecherous uncle in the corner. I would be a problem but one of the girls in our group thinks I'm "hot".
Thank god, I've been accepted.
I tell two of them I'm straight to avoid being killed and the third who knows I'm a flaming bender has christened me her BFF or BBF. I am not sure?!
We must drink what the students drink to assimilate into their environment and for this task we have a "Cane Train".
A cane train is two parts Cream Soda (in South Africa's it's green because it's so natural is not made up of any chemicals at all...)
Anyway, we know from Alex that a cane train is two parts Cream Soda and 5 parts cane.
BFF stands for Best Friend Forever. She's mine boys, hands off.
Alex tells one of the girls that I am not actually straight. This seems to be the best that has happened to her all evening.
I reckon it is because she realises that she's not going to make a return on her investment even though for a few hours she was convinced she may have...
Dude back up...
It's Big Man on Campus.
I don't know how to turn the camera around. Blame the Cane Trains.
We must love each other. I love you and them.
Put your arms around me baby...
Fuck. Somehow I got home and I am in bed. How this happened is unclear.
I am eating grilled chicken because suddenly I am petrified that I am fat. This is an alarm.
I should go to the gym.
I am sitting in the harbour with Alex having a beer and a burger. This is because the previous emergency has subsided.
There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that I have bought my own packet of cigarettes and am smoking the Marlboro Lights that I have bought. To suggest anything otherwise would be a downlight bloody er.
Alex is doing er...
No-one is entirely sure but the weather is calm and I am not paying attention.
I am walking along the beach and the sun is going down and all around is beautiful and, for some reason, it is quiet.
For the occasion I am listening to Citizen of the Planet by Alanis and it sounds eerily appropriate but the sand cannot squelch between by toes because I have shoes on.
I am thinking about things which include stuff, being back in London, sitting in Soho Square.
It is the first time too that I have thought him You Know Who. So just who is this - - - - - - - person that I am thinking about?
Once again it is time that has won through, as it has so often in the past. Seriously. Who is this person that I am thinking about?! I wonder what he's doing?
The sun dips below the winter clouds but it is not cold.
All that has gone before now doesn't matter...
I am at home and my mum is cooking dinner but there is navy (no gravy). Maybe things have progressed. Maybe it's just because we had it the other night.
20:31 (19:31 UK time)
Dinner is finished and we have had our wine which means my mother is feeling decidedly fragrant and is sitting at the piano in the music room.
I suggest that since we are fed and clothed, we should pay tribute and thanks to the country we are in.
Music time is over. It should have been over at least 37 minutes ago.
For my parents it is time to think about bedtime.
Elizabeth has cleared the diningtable, my dad has fallen asleep in front of the TV and
Screw that shit, it's time for bed too.
And so this was my first day as a 31 year old. I feel I need to make some claims about my mental state or overstate some sort of regret I haven't resolved but to be honest, there is none of that.
Is this because there is nothing to feel or because all that I am supposed to be feeling is being stored up, to hit me like a freight train of emotion in a few years' time!?
I don't know what's supposed to go here?