Thursday, 22 May 09

07:21
Smack iPhone to stop alarm. God it's annoying.

07:52
In the gym and there's no Will.i.am. Where is he? The pain of not seeing him makes my heart ache. This is the only reason I endure this hell.

07:57
I am running on the treadmill and Beyonce is singing to me...

Ring the alarm, I've been through this too long
But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm
But these words are empty because there is no Will.i.am wandering past and saying a cheery hello. That smile. Those pecs under his gym costume.

I am empty. Outside the sweat runs down but inside I am engulfed with tears.

08:21
Run finished, drink water and I do the Big Burp. Every day this gets louder and louder, like a neanderthal I am claiming by big fuck-off fitness trophy.

08:50
And the Jubilee Line is making its way to Bond Street and I am officially a bag lady.

I didn't want to drag the tog bag to work and then to the gym again so I've left it in the locker. But I forgot my man bag at home so I have all my possessions in a Sainsbury's bag.

Clockwise from top.

A piece of paper. This is in fact a council tax bill I need to pay.
An iPhone.
My wallet.
My iPod.
My fatburner pills (that work because Chris told me they do)
My £10 sunglasses from Topman.
My cord for something (the camera I think).

10:11
Everybody's at work and I am too and I am at my desk and all around me there are people diligently doing their jobs so well.

I sit and look around at our office. And in my head I can hear the chorus of men singing "your disco needs you!"

And I'm imagining the mirror balls that would descend from the ceiling as colleagues to the left stand up and pull out their red feather boas.

Over on the right, two of the offline editors spin around on their chairs chanting "your disco needs you!"

All of us in the middle are stood up and slowly walking forward.. "so let's dance through all of this - war is over for a bit...!"

And from down the stairs come the runners. In blue feathers, sequined high heals and sunglasses. And they step down and kick!

"Your disco needs you!"

A huge chorus has gathered in the middle of the room as the desks all ascend into the ceiling, the lights and strobes are flashing and a huge space has formed.

And we're all singing... "Your disco needs you!" and there are rows of colleagues - singing and chanting and raising their hands in the air...

A sea of glitter, lights and sequins.

I am attached to wires and with the elegance of a swam I am being raised up... above the chorus, throwing gold dust all over them and sprinkling magic.

Vous êtes jamais seuls
Vous savez ce qu'il faut faire
Ne laissez pas tomber votre nation
La disco a besoin de vous
And the entire cast below looks up to me - expectantly, longing for me to come back down onto the stage and join them in the final denouement...

"Your disco needs you!"
"Your disco needs you!"

And Sally is doing the screechy high part as the entire office raises their hands to the ceiling singing at the top of their lungs... "your discooooo neeeeeeeeeeeeds YOU!"

10:14
Sam is on the phone. Apparently they're waiting for me in Edit 14.

13:19
In All Saints in Westfield considering their leather jackets.

15:19
A colleague and I are having a disagreement. The crux is that he wants to get something checked with the lawyer which would delay us getting it finished.

I just want to get it finished so we reach a compromise.

I say we agree to publish the contentious material and if we get sued, I will as penance, run the entire length of this road without any clothes on.

And you're welcome to come and watch and don't panic. It's a long road.



19:12
And hey presto! We're back at the gym.

The large amount of money that I hand over to Chris who in return makes me feel like shit is worth it. But tonight it has doubled in value.

This is because Chris has chosen to be indiscreet. So.

Do you want some great gossip about someone you don't know but could relate to?

Okay. So there was this personal trainer at the gym who was quite hot but he left. I always wandered why he left so suddenly. Well...

It turns out that he started working out with one of his clients. Except the client was a gay and fell in love with this personal trainer.

And no-one can say for certain what happened but bunches of flowers started to arrive for the personal trainer.

And then it was presents like shoes and things. And the personal trainer was saying to everyone "but nothing happened, I'm straight, this guy is like bombarding me..."

And then of course there was Facebook and friends were made and the. next. thing! The guy pitched up at the personal trainer's flat!

Are you loving this or what?! Amazing.

Anyway. That's why the personal trainer has been relocated to another gym and this gym user has been given an ASBO and banned from going within a mile of the personal trainer and 500 feet from our gym!

Loony-tunes! Don't. You. Love. It? The best story in ages. I don't know if this can be beaten.

21:45
At home.

22:02

{I asked for something here and then got it.}

22:12
Oh fuck. Just realised I haven't paid the bloody council tax bill I had in my packet.

23:09
Do you remember this guy...? The boy on the left in Cape Town?

I get a message from him. He calls me Bobbington.

He says he can't wait to see me so that we can go drinking. I say it's only 12 days away.

I don't say 'I can't wait to see you too.' That would just be weird.