Monday, 3 August 2009

Monday, 03 August 2009

Awake! Ping! Voosh! Pow! Kerching!

Wandering around the house feeling a little like what it must feel like to be thrown against a brick wall.

I realise that the man with his van from Tesco is supposed to appear sometime between now and 11am.

I put a wholemeal pita in the toaster which, once finished, will be smeared with as much butter as possible.

You can imagine how much I was looking forward to that nice, warm and buttery pita because, in fact, we have no butter. The carton is empty. Fuck.
This makes me cry.

Shit. Comedown.

Sitting on the couch in the lounge in my pyjamas eating dry fucking pita bread. The rest of London is going to or at work.

My hand is still sore. I re-assess my injuries which include:

1/ The roof of my mouth burnt from a pie I ate at the end of Saturday evening that was too hot.
2/ A scratch on my left hand and my knee from when I dived into the road.
3/ The eyelashes on my right eye singed from when I lit a cigarette off the stove at the lesbians' house.
4/ Some scratches on my arm that I don't know where they came from.

The man from Tesco still hasn't arrived.
I decide to compile a list of depressing comedown songs...

Lucie Silvas - Nothing Else Matters
(A cover of the Metallica song that is actually rather good...)
Brian May - No-one But You
Joe Cocker - With A Little Help From My Friends
I know this is a cliche but listen to the live version of the tune from The Best of Joe Cocker album.

Ah. The man from Tesco is here.

Bla bla. I'm going back to bed.

Wake up.

Bla bla. Going back to bed.

Wake up.

On the way to the gym.

What is this life that's all topsy-turvy? Yes, I am working overnights at work. It doesn't happen often. It's shit. The money's good.

Running at the gym and I remember that I told you I was going to share my Gaydar test with you - the world's most fool-proof way to spot homosexuals.

Right. I make a mental note to do this later when I am at work.

Doing some chesty-westy.

At work.

Right, here's the test...

All homosexual men listen to music. To determine the gayness of someone you will either need to see their CD collection or have access to their iPod or MP3 player.

The outcome is based on a score. A score above 8 means that, without doubt, the man is homosexual.
A score around one or two would indicate heterosexuality.

It's a point for every one of these artists' music that you have in the collection or on the iPod:

Kylie Minogue
Belinda Carlisle
Bananarama OR The Bangles (add a point for both)*
Christina Aguilera
The soundtrack / song from a musical (add a point if it's an Lloyd Webber show or Chicago, Hairspray or The Producers)
Tori Amos
George Michael
A song / album by a TV talent show winner (i.e. Kelly Clarkson, Leona Lewis, Alexandra Burke etc.)

You're not allowed to fib here... so what is your score? I've tried it with other gays who've scored a whopping great flaming 100%. I scored 9.

The "small" print:
My gaydar test is designed to sniff out boy-gays. Women - straight or gay don't count because it's likely they'll listen to some of these artists.

* = The Bangles / Bananarama count as one because although different bands they're the same sample i.e. 80s nostalgia. The gays love a bit of nostalgia.

See? Genius!

At work and I already feel shattered. God knows how we're going to get through the next six hours? Fuck.

As you snuggle into your bed, think of me sitting in a cold mouse-infested office.

It all now seems like a distant memory. At the weekend the English football season started. That officially signalled the end of summer.

Yes, what summer? Roll on summer 2010. I can't come soon enough...

Don't you love the guy in the green T-shirt. I have absolutely no idea who he is but he's having the time of his life.

...Yeah. Shitty.


Anonymous said...

Why do you smoke cigarettes??*

*Ugh...bad 4 you

MadeInScotland said...

I scored 2 -for the musical +1 for Lloyd Webber.

I'm a bad gayer.


Anonymous said...

Oh crap. Apparently I'm the straightest man on the planet! I have George Michael (by proxy). The disk was there, I burned it.

Any points for Anastasia? Shit, that would only take me to two!!!

Surely a butt-load of boom-book music and a spash of Bronski Beat and Placebo gets me something?


Oh god.

chabang said...

pah - i'm not a real homosexual since i scored 4 and 2 of those points are for work related music not actual purchases. What can i do to boost my gayness?

Bobby Cox said...

Anon: How can you tell that I've been 'avin fags?

And oh shit... yes so maybe this Gay Test needs a rethink. Are you lot telling me you don't have a single er - Madonna album or song in your whole collection?

Maybe we need to include Hed Kandi and Housexy CDs too...

Chabang, perhaps you need some sort of shot? Like those vitamin supplements that they give old people with rickity bones...