I go over to the lounge window because there sounds like a bit of a commotion outside.
There are two men pulling a third out of the back of a minicab. Either the third man is dead, in a coma or - ah... He's as drunk as a er... like completely inebriated.
And the other man is... Ah, that's the neighbour. The pervy neighbour who lives two doors down.
The pervy neighbour and I go to the same gym although you wouldn't know that the pervy neighbour goes to my gym because the chances of seeing him are unlikely. Unless you hit the showers.
On any given evening from about 6.30pm onwards, the Pervy Neighbour can be found either hanging around the changing room, or soaping up with the shower curtain open.
He knows that I know what he gets up to because I made a point once, while he was within earshot, of saying to Liam (stage-whisper style) something like "yeah, that guy... lives down the road. Is always hanging around in the showers and the sauna, really gross..."
I'm sure he heard because when we walk past each other in the gym or the road, he becomes transfixed with the pavement.
The pervy neighbour is about my age, he's not at all attractive and - it's quite clear what's going on outside.
The minicab has driven off and Pervy Neighbour is sitting on the pavement trying to keep the pissed guy from falling over.
Somebody has got a little too drunk in a bar and Pervy Neighbour has obviously decided to offer up a space in his bed for the night.
I really want Pervy Neighbour to notice me, standing in the window watching him below, struggling with the drunk guy who's swaying.
I know he'd look me at and know exactly what I was thinking.
They're both sat on the low garden wall, pervy neighbour has both his arms around the drunk guy, trying to stop him from falling forward.
Brilliant! He's fucken noticed me.
He's seen me and he's decided to try and get the drunk guy to stand up so that he can manoeuvre him to the front door.
I love it. Some poor fucker is going to wake up tomorrow morning with a very sore head, naked in some weirdo's bed.
I am standing in the window, curtains open, all the lights on, arms folded. He turns to look up at me about three times.
"Yeah motherfucker, I'm fucking watching you and I know what you're up to!"
I imagine Pervy Neighbour will get the lad inside, strip him bare, drag him to bed and then rub up against the drunk, who would have passed out.
And, with all the lights in the bedroom on, I imagine Pervy Neighbour would try and go down on the drunk. A bit like trying to give a blow-job to a finger on an empty rubber glove.
Urgh! I'm so glad he saw me. Busted. Fucker.
You probably didn't know this but I absolutely hate NatWest bank.
I am lying in bed contemplating either having a bowl of oats for breakfast or going to the gym but instead I decide to phone NatWest.
This is how I deal with latent aggression bourne from indecisiveness.
"Hullo, can I please check - I know I am going to be charged £28 for going two pounds overdrawn on Friday, can I check what other charges I have incurred overnight please?"
"What?! No other charges besides the £28 - are you sure that's correct?"
"There's no 'it's Sunday so that's a 50 thousand pound charge' or a 'we're just greedy so we'll charge you whatever we want charge?'"
"Oh okay, I don't believe you for one minute but if you're happy saying that..."
"Right, I'll phone again tomorrow to check to see if any other charges have been levied against me."
The following conversation happens at the drinks bar in the gym, as it has done about 287 times before...
Me (pointing to the protein shakes in the fridge): Hello, can I have one of those chocolate drinks?
Glum eastern-European lady behind the counter: You mean protein shake?
Me: Yes please.
Lady: What flavour?
Tonight we're obsessed with suburbia. How amazing are the following pictures?...
From here. And then this one... Perfectly clipped and stiff tress that don't move in the wind and painted gnomes. Suburbia at its darkest...
From here. This house is stunning with the cream front door and charcoal walls...
From here. And finally this house, with the concrete block walls. I must live there...
I'm reminded that it's Madonna's birthday, thanks to one of the generic music channels on TV that only seems to have the new Black Eyes Peas song and Lady GaGa in their tape library.
I bet she celebrated it by appearing in concert somewhere, thrusting her fanny into the audience and screaming "I wanna hear you goddam motherfuckers."
What?! Camus it fucking ain't...
"It's a party, it's a celebration - let's get this started, no hesitation."
I think what the world's missing is a Madonna Song Lyrics Generator Tool...
Some made-up examples:
You put in: I wanna dance to the beat
It spits out: So let me feel the heat
You put in: I'm feeling all your moves
It spits out: Cos we're getting in the groove
You put in: We're gonna get this place on fire
It spits out: As the music takes us higher
It's not difficult! I've made up some examples so that you too can test your creativity:
We're gonna let our bodies rock
Like a prisoner in the _______
Our bodies moving in the night
You see me under the disco _____
You're close to me, it feels a trap
Cos Kabbalah's a load of _____
(I think that's enough 'Guess The Made-up Madonna Lyrics' game...)
Oh, go on! Let's have one more...
We'll have some fun as the music starts to tease us
And later I'll get knobbed by a guy who's name is _____
Right, fuck off I'm tidying my bedroom.
And I can't be bothered with Sunday anymore so I'm going to bed.