After a long and hellish week the point of this weekend was supposed to be quiet and reflective.
What the fuck...?!
And I even said to Nicky and Liam that I was too exhausted to play with them which was true.
But then it's Saturday morning and my housemate goes "do you fancy a G&T and I go, fuck yeah..." and things go very very rapidly downhill.
So Sally and I are sitting in the sun on our terrace caning it. And indoors the cleaner is vacuuming.
And Sally and I decide we need to paint our nails because we're listening to Tori Amos and we assume that this is how cool indie kids behave in London nowadays. It's all metrosexual, baby...
(I don't think cool cats in London listen to Tori Amos, if I'm honest...)
So the cleaner comes into the kitchen, sees us and says, "oh - I are veeery good at nails."
And one thing very quickly leads to another...
Lying on a sun lounger and gulping down booze while the cleaner paints your nails is so over the line, it's practically in the next field.
I think that's why it's now Sunday morning and I am lying in bed feeling rather anxious.
Or maybe I'm feeling anxious because I know I have to go to Ikea. That's probably why I'm feeling odd.
I'm in Ikea - the one in Neasden which they like to pretend is actually in Wembley because Wembley's a bit better than Neasden.
I need two pillows, a duvet and the appropriate linen to go with those three items.
I check the Ikea handbook to make a list. Right, that translates as a Nob Glans, a Vul Vå and two Smegmas.
Are you watching this programme about Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland and Tallulah Bankhead?
I knew that Judes and Marilyn were absolutely around the bend but Tallulah Bankwho? What a winner she was!
She is responsible for such gems as:
“Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know-I've been using it for years.”
“I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw."
And then the last words Tallulah ever uttered were "codeine... bourbon..." and then Tallulah died.
And when Tallulah had to have a hysterectomy after contracting gonorrhea, her first words after the operation were "I knew it, it was that fucker Gary Cooper..."
What Would Tallulah Do? WWTD...
Fitting my new bedding. Ooh it's all white, crispy and new.
At gym and running.
Nearly time for Monday morning. Why does it arrive so quickly every time?
Ow. I've just noticed that I've burnt the ends of two of my fingers.
This forms part of the Piece Saturday Together game. I think at some point we must have got the fucking sheesha out.
I remember something made me laugh actually. On normal sheeshas or hookahs, the air valve on the side is called an air valve. But for some bizarre reason, in South Africa it's known as the clutch.
I don't know why this makes me laugh?!
Excuse me but how am-ma-ma-ma-mazing does this look?
As white as the dress on a virgin's wedding day.
Although the duvet cover is still a little stiff from the shop even though I drowned it in fabric softener.
It may feel like cuddling up with Matzo bread for the first few nights. And the bonus is there's space for two.
Or as Tallulah would say:
“I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me.”
Now shh! I'm going to bed.