Whatever way you substitute it, it's still ugly.
In the gym. Gymming. Because that's what you do in the gym. This is going to be a day like any other. A day like any other.
Please consider what I am sat next on La Ligne De La Centrale...
I don't know how or if this day can get any better. Or worse? It's perfect in every way. Perfection in rugby togs on public transport.
Chunky muscular arms. Beefy well proportioned legs.
Suddenly the day goes awry.
Another chunk monster on the way home...
You're going to have to take my word that this one just as good. Smudged in paint. A builder. A brickie. A hottie.
And then in the Sainsbury's. Another one...
Thumbing through the meat counter. Cor, missus!
And then this, I mean - er...
This guy was just standing in the Tube station staring at the poster of the woman clad in a wet dress. What. The. Fuck!?
Like, what looney ogles other people like that? Wierdo. I mean next, was he going to whip out the camera phone and take photos? No-one can be sure!
Do you want to know what's also disgusting? Look... I ate most of the Haribo...
Do you, like I, get the sense that somehow, this isn't going anywhere?
No, the Haribo all went in my tummy but I mean this day? Today.
It's Tuesday 11 August. I'm sure today means something to somebody. To me, it's just another day.
She calls out to the man on the street. He can see she's been crying. She's got blisters on the soles of her feet. She can't walk but she's trying.
Oh, think twice - cos it's another day for you and me - ahem!
"Right! Well someone's got to break the ice and it might as well be me, I mean I'm used to be the hostess, it's part of my husband's work and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling, I mean I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here or what this place is about but I am determined to enjoy myself. I'm very intrigued and oh my! This soup's delicious, isn't it?!"
(I know all the words to the entire film... give me a scene, any scene!)
"Yes I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her so much, it flamed. Flames on the side of my head, heaving, breath - heaving breathless..."
Listen, I'm spent.
This is not me quoting from some silly script. I really am ... just... too... tired and... I have nothing more to add.
(Tomorrow I''ll get me knickers out for ya as recompence.)
Was that necessary Mrs White?!
Oh god, lets not get started.
Film under: Pathetic in joke
(Do you know the film?)