Sunday, 27 September 2009

Sunday, 27 September 2009

NINETY FOUR
21:06
I've been all over the place and not physically.

It's a consequence of living on two continents. London is my home but Cape Town is my playground.

A home is where your life is, a playground is where your heart is. A playground is not somewhere that you could live.

It's Sunday night, it's slightly warm outside but we're inside watching X-Factor.

One week ago...

Last Sunday night I spent with Avie and Alex. It was so special.

Tomorrow they have a life to live. I have one too. And mine is in London. Theirs is in Cape Town.

There is a moment when you go 'ohmygod, is this my life?' A moment when you ask 'shit, is this my home?' But the sad and difficult truth is that London is my home.

When I got onto the Tube last Tuesday morning, after arriving from Johannesburg the woman said "the next stop is Finchley Road, please mind the gap between the train and the platform". I felt like I was home. I felt a sense of belonging.

But this is leaving Cape Town...

Heading southward we took off and headed over False Bay banking left and then pointed north to Johannesburg over Somerset West.

Here we are, coming in to land at Johannesburg...

Yeah, I'm being sentimental.

It's so difficult not knowing where your heart is. Or rather, it's so shit to realise that your head and your heart are not in the place where you'd like them to be.

Okay.

Tomorrow there's no more of this mawkish crap. To be honest, I find it difficult to type.

The sad truth is that in around 93 days I am flying back to Cape Town for the summer and New Year.

Maybe some changes need to be made. Maybe I need to pull myself together. I don't know.

Will you join me tomorrow for a fresh start?

No drinking. No smoking. No bad behaviour.
All pretend happiness.
All make-believe peace.

Please. Tomorrow will you, with me, pretend that my life is normal? Will you treat me as one of your own?

Tomorrow is beautiful. It is a new day. Can we call it quits until tomorrow?

(The pathetic thing is that I have nothing more to type because I can't say the words.)

6 comments:

N1David said...

I'm from Scotland. I moved to London after graduation. "Home" was Scotland. At some point I became aware that both places were "home" and in each place I would say I was going home. Now home is London. I miss my old home. But that was then...

fleetmonkey said...

You don't have to be black and white about it these days - you can be a world citizen and belong to as many places as you want as long as you don't worry about your carbon footprint too much.

Having said that nice to have you back.

Bobby Cox said...

Dave: London is home. When I speak of home I mean London but I guess it's difficult because when I'm in Cape Town I think of that as home.
I guess time makes a difference. Although it has been six years.

Fleets: I know - the poor polar bears are crying from the jet emissions! thankx x x

Jake said...

I think you sound in need of chocolate and hugs. Someone just to hold you while you cry it out like a bitch.

Then scrape yourself off the floor, smear a smile on your face and dive right back in again!

Forget semantics, wherever you are, just BE THERE.

Gabriel said...

i am going through the same feelings as you are right now. because in my head sydney is home but in my heart, its singapore where i was born. so seven years later in sydney, i find it hard to be torn between what my heart and my mind thinks home really is.

Bobby Cox said...

Jake: Chocolate and hugs sounds good! x x

Gabriel: And the shit thing is that everyone just goes "oh, why don't you go back to Singapore then" and that's like the MOST unhelpful thing to say...
I know how you feel ;-)