You don't wake up in upper middle class neighbourhoods in South Africa. You get woken up.
It's usually the rottweiler next door barking at the postman.
Dogs in upper middle class neighbourhoods in South Africa bark at postmen because invariably they're not white.
The binmen get barked at too but the man from the Jehovah's Witness, who's usually called Keith, doesn't get barked it when he rings the buzzer clutching his magazines.
And people who have animals that bark at black people also tend to start their sentences with "I'm not racist but..."
So I have been woken by the rottweiler next door who's barking.
I must remember to find out what it's name is.
Insular white South Africans don't have much of a sense of humour so I'm guessing it's not called Bubbles.
In South Africa, as in Cape Town, there are a lot of people who do crime. As one would do the Friday crossword in The Guardian, I suppose.
Except that people in Cape Town do crime every day, not just on a Friday.
In fact, and in the spirit of our ridiculous analogy, there are a lot of people doing a lot of crosswords. Which is why everyone is making a concerted effort to prevent crosswords from being completed.
Like, if you're being tied up and robbed you can text the local radio station to let them know.
Presumably this means they will send the police but surely it would have been easier just to ring the police in the first place?
Or perhaps it's because the radio station wants to play you a dedication.
"And here's one for a Mrs Smidge of Arthur Crescent who's just text us to say she's been banged on the head with a chair by a man in a balaclava. Yes, it's a Ol' Blue Eyes with 'Ring-A-Ding-Ding'... Enjoy!"
And it's not just about letting your radio station know.
You also have to email the organiser of the CrimeWatch Club so that he can type a weekly newsletter to residents and neighbours, warning of them danger*.
* = Seriously.
Like this advice: "Alarms are being set of by the criminals over and over again. The owner then thinks the alarm is faulty and puts it off. Surprise, surprise for you the next morning - you had a visitor."
I feel safer already.