Urgh. I'm awake because I can't sleep which is probably the most profound thing I muster at this time of the morning.
I feel like shit because instead of having just one gin and tonic, I had about 17. At the start of a week, this isn't good. I am going to be exhausted for the rest of the day.
Are teetotalers really dull people?
At least they probably get a good night's sleep and don't wake up in the morning feeling like shit because they spent half of the night on the couch in the lounge with the DVD menu on an endless repeat.
Being woken up by that 15 second clip of music, usually the main theme of the film, is about as awful as listening to someone else vomit.
I am going to try and lie down for 30 minutes. Because then I have to get up and get ready for work.
I'm not a morning person. Especially when I haven't slept the night before.
Come to think of it, this morning was never going to be easy, given that 10 minutes after pulling the suitcase out of the cupboard to fill it with clothes last night, I had climbed into it.
Things will be fine once I am god-knows-how-many-thousand feet in the air enjoying a glass of orange juice.
I think what wakes me up in the middle of the night is the thought of the doctor.
I'm sitting in a local GPs' surgery and the man in the white coat says "hmmm... unfortunately it's bowel cancer. You really shouldn't have binged on booze all those months ago Mr Bobby".
It does induce small panics.
It really can't be good for you. And what the fuck is it with age? Age really fucks you.
I cannot deal with hangovers like I used to. In the old days you sort of feel a little rough but once you've had something to eat, you feel okay.
Nowadays it feels like I've been slammed into a brick wall. And no amount of drinking water the night before helps.
You'll be so pleased to know that I've been tidying up and I haven't had anything to drink. I think we should raise our glasses to that!
I always used to say to myself that I couldn't never become and alcoholic because I enjoy the taste of wine too much.
But now for the first since ever the feeling of the hangover, the guilt, the waking up in the middle of the night sweating and not being able to sleep far outweigh any taste.
When I get back from holiday it's Day 1. Day One of no booze. Nothing.
And the scary thing is that I am slightly worried that I can't imagine life without alcohol.
Alcohol dulls. It blunts. It prolongs having to face the pain. It deludes. It creates a false sense of security. It creates a warm feeling where none exists.
I can smoke a cigarette, put it out and not touch another one for weeks. I can walk into a casino and gamble for an entire evening and have no urge to return.
But give me a glass of wine and I can't stop until I've vacuumed up the entire fucking bottle. And the Scotch and gin and the stash of vodka in the deep freeze.
Can't believe that all that I've said can be summed up by me saying; "I am never drinking again."
It's rather depressing that we both know that this is complete shite.
When the air stewardness comes around she'll go, "would you like a glass of champagne before we take off?" Inside my head I will be screaming "nooo...!!!!"
But out of my mouth will come the words "oh why not, yes please. And if there's another glass going spare..."
I'm giving up on this Monday. I'm going to bed. I said I needed to be in bed by 10pm. I have to muster the all power to at least achieve that. At the very least.