Somehow we've ended up here. Sitting on a metal bench in a quiet area of OR Tambo. Also known as Johannesburg International. It's "oh ar" as opposed to "or".
Something weird must have happened over Mauritania or the Cote d'Ivoire because I can't feel like right hand. Is that bad? It's numb.
It's great for a wank but...
Have you been here? No? Well I'll tell you.
At Johannesburg International ("oh ar" not "or") there is a Wimpy, a pub with a hundred TVs showing sports channels and a man with a fauxhawk and a mullet who is wearing shorts. Very short shorts.
But it's not like that. Think of Gordon Brown (the president of Englandland) with a fauxhawk, mullet and wearing shorts. Yes, it's like that.
Sat on this metal bench isn't just me. There is another man two seats down who is on the phone. It would be polite to listen to what he's saying. Obviously.
And he's saying:
"Ya, just copy me in..."
"Look, if I don't get to the bloody office today I'll be there tomorrow but as far as I'm concerned he can swivel." (I don't think this is good...)
"I promise it will be okay."
"Hundred percent" (This is a South Africanism meaning "definitely". Except you say "hunid" instead of "hundred")
Whoops - he's put the phone down. And that means the dictate any more.
Ooh! His phone's ringing. It's the Nokia. ring. Like who the fuck still has the Nokia ringtone?
Oh shit - I am supposed to be sitting on an airplane. The gate shuts in 15 minutes.
Right, so you're not going to believe this but...
On the plane I got sat next to someone from my old life. Someone from my bad old days.
She looked at me as I sat down next to her and exclaimed "you're not pissed are you?" I love her.
For all my self-loathing and "must not drink" bluster, it is maybe a little refreshing to board an aircraft and have your reputation dragged in behind you.
This is very boring but here's what we have in the photo album already...
Above is the view from the Virgin plane towards another one. And then there's Bubbles...
And finally, some people loading food into the butt of this Japan airlines plane...
I'm a loser because I love flying.
There's something about flying in an airplane that is wonderfully intangible but it's something I love.
I think it's the surrender of human to the machine. That, for 12 hours you're about 3 inches from death, glossed over by the phrase "chicken or beef?"
I know, airplanes are so boring.
I'm exhausted. Would you mind if I were to go to bed?