22:15
There are things that happen today but I don't take much notice of them because they happen so predictably.
The tube is delayed
The fat guy in the gym gets in the way constantly
I forget my wallet at home
In a 40-minute meeting that should have ended 39 minutes ago and my eyes won't stay open
The protein shake opens in my gym bag
The queues in the Sainsburys are no less than 10 people deep
I wish I didn't have to be stressed about the tube. I wish I had that gene that made me happy on public transport to shove up against people I don't know.
I wish I didn't have to go to the gym. I wish that need to look good vanished and I was happy being overweight. I would eat carbs and not care. I would, like people in the office do, wear T-shirts that barely fit over my would-be bloated stomach.
I really wish I didn't give a shit about the way I looked.
I wish I was organised and I wish that I could live some pretend-happy groundhog day existence where every evening I packed my bag all nicey-nicey so that I wouldn't get to the Tube station and realise that I didn't have my wallet.
Protein shakes are a pain. I've already made my wish about not needing to ever want to go to the gym again.
I wish I was happy to stand in queues and not mind the fact that they are a monumental waste of time. Everyone seems so content to stand there, waiting.
I want a life where I sit at my own desk and do things. And tick boxes and write endless pages of crap headed "Marketing Report".
I want a Line Manager. I want to have to be concerned about what I wear to work.
I want to work in a place where colleagues wear shirts and guys try to outdo each other in the Who's Got The Smelliest Designer Aftershave?
And Who's Got The Best Comedy Cufflinks?
And at lunch we're all unleashed into the West End for 59 minutes before being manacled back to carry on writing those Marketing Report Feedback Customer Service Satisfaction Experience reports.
I want to work for a company that has the word "Solutions" in its name.
And then every Friday we would go to the All Bar One and order the second cheapest bottle of wine on the menu.
And we would get drunk and discuss what we'd read in one of the tatty and free London newspapers.
Over the weekends I'd hang out with my friends, people who worked for companies who have the word "Management" in their name.
And we'd swap mundane stories about our tedious lives as cannon fodder, er...
Okay, maybe I don't want that life.
Sometimes you have days in London that completely grind you down and wear your spirit to breaking point.
A day when it seems that all you've done it push a rock up a hill, only for it to roll all the way back down again.
Today has been one of those days and I look at my life and I think, if only it were simpler and easier.
But then you peer over the fence and you see the grass on the other side and you realise that the lawn you're playing on isn't actually that shit after all.
It's not the grass on the other side that's greener, it's you that's crap.
22:59
Videos where guys who think they're fit and muscular stand and pose and flex for the camera don't really turn me on. I find them a little ridiculous actually.
However.
This video catches my attention because the guy in it probably has the most amazing body I have ever seen in my whole week.
It's so unattainable I can't even work myself up to get depressed about it.
23:01
That's it really...
Tuesday, 30 June 2009
Monday, 29 June 2009
Monday, 29 June 09
09:56
Eyes open. In bed.
10:01
Sneezing.
10:07
Need to get up and get at 'em.
10:12
I decide that there's no point in going to the gym unless you make a big fucking production about going...
10:13
11:27
I am in the final stages of my epic run at the gym which involves me plodding and sweating from every pore on the treadmill as Deborah Cox screams words in my ear, courtesy of the iPod.
I have sorted the music up so that we leave the most uplifting and vocal trancey stuff right to the part where we are at the limit.
This is where the sweat is flying and there are three minutes left, and I have upped the speed.
This is like being the eye of the storm, where all around you is chaos, sweating, panting and noise but in the centre you find yourself calm and serene
There are currently two songs which fit this mood very well:
1/ Deborah Cox: Easy as Life (Offer Nissim Club Mix)*
2/ Freemasons featuring Bailey Tzuke: Uninvited (Full length club mix)
3/ Beyonce: Ring The Alarm (Freemasons Club Mix)
* = this is an exceptional song for that moment in your run when you hit 40 minutes and the endorphins kick in...
11:42
Swimming.
12:37
Walking home.
13:01
Drop and destroy camera that was my birthday present last year.
13:02
Wonder if there's some weird voodoo bad luck hex on my life.
(Seriously, if it is you with the mini doll of me and the needles sticking into it, could you maybe give me just the teensiest bit of rest for the moment... I mean okay, I'm not yet in the church vomiting up bowls of cherries but it is annoying nonetheless.)
13:03
I know you're wondering about it and his name was Darryl Van Horn.
15:04
Falling asleep in front of Wimbledon. This means it's snooze time.
16:15
I sit up with a start. Fuck, I was dreaming that my teeth were falling out.
Apparently this suggests a loss of self esteem or a worry about getting old. Or losing ones' looks (such as they are...!)
Or maybe it means that the person with the mini doll of me with the needles in is now kicking it in the teeth.
17:24
Making my food for the morning which means grilling chicken and er, that's it.
19:10
I'm going out and the one of the guys in the flat below is coming in.
So I stops and says hi to him. And he says hi. And I am like; "yeah, so sounded like you were having a busy time on Friday night?"
And he says "like, sorry did the noise bother you?" and I'm not "no, not really...I was awake anyway."
And then I says "although it did sound like more than just two of you..!" And he laughs and is like "haha - yeah, it wasn't just two of us..." and I'm like what a slag!
This guy is a teacher and straight and he's having dirty threesome sex with ladies. Straight guys can be complete husssies and the funny thing is, if you met him in the supermarket your mum would be like "oh, what a lovely guy..."
Loving him, the dirty bastard.
19:13
So sadly I could not counter the neighbours story with wild antics of my own because erm... Sahara's the word (desert...)
19:24
And we're talking to Sainsbury's and accompanied by the extended mix of DJ Jean's track "Play That Beat" which you have probably heard out and wondered what it was called.
"The sound of disco, Berlin, San Francisco, the club, the heat... the beat..."
21:15
Watching a brilliant programme on TV about airports. They're fascinating places.
Immediately reminded of one of my favourite things in the world entire world... flying!
Just as I made a list yesterday, so I have to make another list.
This list is: Five Best Feelings In the World.
Gym should feature on this list and so should er ... You Know What but quite frankly, the former is a good feeling but it's not the best in the world and as for the latter, well I'd far rather drink tea to be honest.
5/ Feeling confident as a result of looking good and lying on Clifton 3rd beach in Cape Town on a warm summer's afternoon.
4/ That time on a warm evening, usually with very special friends sitting around a table - whether at a restaurant, pub or someone's garden, when you've been drinking and eating all day and suddenly you find that you are 90% proof and while not drunk, you are comfortably sozzled and you become one with all of those around you.
All is full of love.
3/ Kissing ---------
2/ Achieving or completing something you never thought you'd do... (File under work achievements)
1/ Lounging in Upper Class on a Virgin Atlantic plane, sipping a glass of champagne and getting ready to take off from a hideously cold and soggy London Heathrow and heading out to a hot and sunny Cape Town on holiday.
I have only ever felt this twice and each time it is just as special.
It is one of the few occasions where, for twelve hours at least, the smile cannot be wiped from my face.
It is the top spot because points 5 and 4 usually follow.
It also involves flying, it means the promise of a holiday and there is just this overwhelming mix of nerves, achievement, relief, excitement, antici....pation of what the next three-odd weeks will bring.
Points two to five happen by chance. They're not / they weren't planned but spontaneous which makes them doubly special.
Point one is triple special because it's planned and you have a whole year to look forward to it. I know it sounds corny but it makes me feel like a kid at Christmas.
22:10
Enough revolting schmaltz. You can puke at your leisure.
I'm going to bed to lie and not sleep because I'll be too hot. In London it's a heatwave you know...
Eyes open. In bed.
10:01
Sneezing.
10:07
Need to get up and get at 'em.
10:12
I decide that there's no point in going to the gym unless you make a big fucking production about going...
10:13
11:27
I am in the final stages of my epic run at the gym which involves me plodding and sweating from every pore on the treadmill as Deborah Cox screams words in my ear, courtesy of the iPod.
I have sorted the music up so that we leave the most uplifting and vocal trancey stuff right to the part where we are at the limit.
This is where the sweat is flying and there are three minutes left, and I have upped the speed.
This is like being the eye of the storm, where all around you is chaos, sweating, panting and noise but in the centre you find yourself calm and serene
There are currently two songs which fit this mood very well:
1/ Deborah Cox: Easy as Life (Offer Nissim Club Mix)*
2/ Freemasons featuring Bailey Tzuke: Uninvited (Full length club mix)
3/ Beyonce: Ring The Alarm (Freemasons Club Mix)
* = this is an exceptional song for that moment in your run when you hit 40 minutes and the endorphins kick in...
11:42
Swimming.
12:37
Walking home.
13:01
Drop and destroy camera that was my birthday present last year.
13:02
Wonder if there's some weird voodoo bad luck hex on my life.
(Seriously, if it is you with the mini doll of me and the needles sticking into it, could you maybe give me just the teensiest bit of rest for the moment... I mean okay, I'm not yet in the church vomiting up bowls of cherries but it is annoying nonetheless.)
13:03
I know you're wondering about it and his name was Darryl Van Horn.
15:04
Falling asleep in front of Wimbledon. This means it's snooze time.
16:15
I sit up with a start. Fuck, I was dreaming that my teeth were falling out.
Apparently this suggests a loss of self esteem or a worry about getting old. Or losing ones' looks (such as they are...!)
Or maybe it means that the person with the mini doll of me with the needles in is now kicking it in the teeth.
17:24
Making my food for the morning which means grilling chicken and er, that's it.
19:10
I'm going out and the one of the guys in the flat below is coming in.
So I stops and says hi to him. And he says hi. And I am like; "yeah, so sounded like you were having a busy time on Friday night?"
And he says "like, sorry did the noise bother you?" and I'm not "no, not really...I was awake anyway."
And then I says "although it did sound like more than just two of you..!" And he laughs and is like "haha - yeah, it wasn't just two of us..." and I'm like what a slag!
This guy is a teacher and straight and he's having dirty threesome sex with ladies. Straight guys can be complete husssies and the funny thing is, if you met him in the supermarket your mum would be like "oh, what a lovely guy..."
Loving him, the dirty bastard.
19:13
So sadly I could not counter the neighbours story with wild antics of my own because erm... Sahara's the word (desert...)
19:24
And we're talking to Sainsbury's and accompanied by the extended mix of DJ Jean's track "Play That Beat" which you have probably heard out and wondered what it was called.
"The sound of disco, Berlin, San Francisco, the club, the heat... the beat..."
21:15
Watching a brilliant programme on TV about airports. They're fascinating places.
Immediately reminded of one of my favourite things in the world entire world... flying!
Just as I made a list yesterday, so I have to make another list.
This list is: Five Best Feelings In the World.
Gym should feature on this list and so should er ... You Know What but quite frankly, the former is a good feeling but it's not the best in the world and as for the latter, well I'd far rather drink tea to be honest.
5/ Feeling confident as a result of looking good and lying on Clifton 3rd beach in Cape Town on a warm summer's afternoon.
4/ That time on a warm evening, usually with very special friends sitting around a table - whether at a restaurant, pub or someone's garden, when you've been drinking and eating all day and suddenly you find that you are 90% proof and while not drunk, you are comfortably sozzled and you become one with all of those around you.
All is full of love.
3/ Kissing ---------
2/ Achieving or completing something you never thought you'd do... (File under work achievements)
1/ Lounging in Upper Class on a Virgin Atlantic plane, sipping a glass of champagne and getting ready to take off from a hideously cold and soggy London Heathrow and heading out to a hot and sunny Cape Town on holiday.
I have only ever felt this twice and each time it is just as special.
It is one of the few occasions where, for twelve hours at least, the smile cannot be wiped from my face.
It is the top spot because points 5 and 4 usually follow.
It also involves flying, it means the promise of a holiday and there is just this overwhelming mix of nerves, achievement, relief, excitement, antici....pation of what the next three-odd weeks will bring.
Points two to five happen by chance. They're not / they weren't planned but spontaneous which makes them doubly special.
Point one is triple special because it's planned and you have a whole year to look forward to it. I know it sounds corny but it makes me feel like a kid at Christmas.
22:10
Enough revolting schmaltz. You can puke at your leisure.
I'm going to bed to lie and not sleep because I'll be too hot. In London it's a heatwave you know...
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Video Sunday
10:21
La la la la... get out of bed, la la la... nothing to do today. Have a fabulous day. La la la...
I am hungover as fuck because instead of being in G--------- I am in North West London and hello! It's so hot in London at the moment.
Last night I went out with Katie and we decided to sit in a dingy* pub in East London, drink beer and cry about the state of our lives.
Interpret that as: Katie and I went to the George and Dragon, got pissed on Cava and danced to Siouxsie and the Banshees. Über indie baby, cos that's what we are...
(The Times called the place dingy, I am merely quoting)
10:54
My parents text me. It's a joke about him not having a heart attack but a stroke in the children's ward.
The moment my parents are in on the joke is the moment we all know that it's now becoming completely stale.
He's gone. The end.
10:57
My parents' regurgitation got me thinking...
So everyone's going on about the Thriller video being totally ground-breaking like it was a Caterpillar or something. And I am sitting thinking about my favourite music videos of all time.
I work out my top five best eva.
10:58
I decide to share them with you...
Firstly, Michael Jackson is not in the top five. If there were a top 20 he may be. "Thriller" would be there and so would "Bad".
Madonna isn't either. For me the songs came before the videos. "Express Yourself" and "Justify My Love" could be exceptions.
Basically, I have chosen my top five videos mainly because I like the song more because of the video. If the video wasn't as good, I wouldn't like the song etc.
Make sense?
So, a late entry would be Lily Allen's "Not Fair", a music video I enjoyed before I heard the song. Fiona Apple's "Criminal" is another one.
"Criminal" is maybe in sixth place. Have you seen the video? It's like the dark side of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue. Or Calvin Klein on crack. It's brilliant.
So here are my top five music videos of all time...
FIVE
Marilyn Manson - mOBSCENE
The 20s freakshow theme, the sumptuous production and horrific burlesque Waffen SS-style dancers - it fits together so well.
There are obvious hat tips to "Cabaret", "All That Jazz" and Bob Fosse. If it was just the song I would think it was a little obvious. The music video makes it exceptional. Brilliant.
Watch mOBSCENE on YouTube.
FOUR
Eurythmics - Beethoven (I Love To Listen To...)
We all know that the video for Sweet Dreams (with the cow and the violins) is probably one of the most famous of all time but it's not my favourite.
The video for "Beethoven" is about a schizophrenic housewife who goes mentally bonkers. I think it's brilliant and again, there are obvious tributes to 70s sitcoms and Clockwork Orange.
Also, the single is their first from the 1987 album "Savage". Mental health problems and drag queens back then? Even though I was too young to appreciate them, this video is part of the reason why Eurythmics are in my top five bands / musicians of all time.
Annie Lennox is my home girl.
Watch I Love To Listen To Beethoven on YouTube.
THREE
Benny Benassi - Satisfaction
Glossy, colourful, funny, ridiculous, gratuitious, over the top, exploitative - I wish I had thought of this first.
I just love that some cheeky bastard has gone in and taken the piss and tried to have as much fun as possible.
And if you listen to the song, you can't help but think of power tools. Especially the "ground breaker" that makes the mountains shake.
It's just such a simple and ridiculous idea done so well. It's gold.
TWO
Sebastien Tellier - Sexual Sportswear
I can't tell you what it was like when I found this video.
I already thought the song was exceptional and in my head I had a few ideas of how I would make the music video, if it were up to me.
And then I found the clip and I just sat for about three minutes slack-jawed while I watched it.
It's art but set to contemporary music. It is the epitome of erotic and sexy and delicious and beautiful.
I'm beginning to sound slightly pretentious but I am smitten. There are hat tips to Vegas extravaganzas, Maurice Binder, 80s electronica etc.
Exceptional. 11 out of ten. I really think it is extraordinary. It could nearly take the top spot it wasn't for...
ONE
Justice - DVNO
According to iTunes I have watched this video more than 59 times.
The most compelling video of all time. Can you spot the logos for Young and Restless, Oxford University Press, HBO, Sega, TGI Fridays, Fox and the Jacksons' song "Can You Feel It"?
Channel 4 is also featured, as is MacGuyver, Top Gun and Stephen J Cannell right the end. Stephen Cannell is the folded paper that used to appear at the end of Murder She Wrote and the A-Team.
This is number one because it is so compelling but also because the song would be nothing without the video.
I love it and my life is less because I didn't come up with the idea. Come on, who as a kid used to draw famous logos in the back of their school books? Exactly...
Watch DVNO here.
13:57
In the process of tidying up I decide to make a video of my own...
15:50
This is what we call snooze time.
16:22
I wake up in cold sweat, scared because I have been dismissive of some people's music video efforts.
So I decide to show you - and perhaps you have seen this before - but judge those valuable contributions against my effort at making a music video once...
17:32
I am doing some washing and need to concentrate.
Would you excuse me for a bit...
18:21
Oh yeah..
Any guesses?
La la la la... get out of bed, la la la... nothing to do today. Have a fabulous day. La la la...
I am hungover as fuck because instead of being in G--------- I am in North West London and hello! It's so hot in London at the moment.
Last night I went out with Katie and we decided to sit in a dingy* pub in East London, drink beer and cry about the state of our lives.
Interpret that as: Katie and I went to the George and Dragon, got pissed on Cava and danced to Siouxsie and the Banshees. Über indie baby, cos that's what we are...
(The Times called the place dingy, I am merely quoting)
10:54
My parents text me. It's a joke about him not having a heart attack but a stroke in the children's ward.
The moment my parents are in on the joke is the moment we all know that it's now becoming completely stale.
He's gone. The end.
10:57
My parents' regurgitation got me thinking...
So everyone's going on about the Thriller video being totally ground-breaking like it was a Caterpillar or something. And I am sitting thinking about my favourite music videos of all time.
I work out my top five best eva.
10:58
I decide to share them with you...
Firstly, Michael Jackson is not in the top five. If there were a top 20 he may be. "Thriller" would be there and so would "Bad".
Madonna isn't either. For me the songs came before the videos. "Express Yourself" and "Justify My Love" could be exceptions.
Basically, I have chosen my top five videos mainly because I like the song more because of the video. If the video wasn't as good, I wouldn't like the song etc.
Make sense?
So, a late entry would be Lily Allen's "Not Fair", a music video I enjoyed before I heard the song. Fiona Apple's "Criminal" is another one.
"Criminal" is maybe in sixth place. Have you seen the video? It's like the dark side of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue. Or Calvin Klein on crack. It's brilliant.
So here are my top five music videos of all time...
FIVEMarilyn Manson - mOBSCENE
The 20s freakshow theme, the sumptuous production and horrific burlesque Waffen SS-style dancers - it fits together so well.
There are obvious hat tips to "Cabaret", "All That Jazz" and Bob Fosse. If it was just the song I would think it was a little obvious. The music video makes it exceptional. Brilliant.
Watch mOBSCENE on YouTube.
FOUREurythmics - Beethoven (I Love To Listen To...)
We all know that the video for Sweet Dreams (with the cow and the violins) is probably one of the most famous of all time but it's not my favourite.
The video for "Beethoven" is about a schizophrenic housewife who goes mentally bonkers. I think it's brilliant and again, there are obvious tributes to 70s sitcoms and Clockwork Orange.
Also, the single is their first from the 1987 album "Savage". Mental health problems and drag queens back then? Even though I was too young to appreciate them, this video is part of the reason why Eurythmics are in my top five bands / musicians of all time.
Annie Lennox is my home girl.
Watch I Love To Listen To Beethoven on YouTube.
THREEBenny Benassi - Satisfaction
Glossy, colourful, funny, ridiculous, gratuitious, over the top, exploitative - I wish I had thought of this first.
I just love that some cheeky bastard has gone in and taken the piss and tried to have as much fun as possible.
And if you listen to the song, you can't help but think of power tools. Especially the "ground breaker" that makes the mountains shake.
It's just such a simple and ridiculous idea done so well. It's gold.
TWOSebastien Tellier - Sexual Sportswear
I can't tell you what it was like when I found this video.
I already thought the song was exceptional and in my head I had a few ideas of how I would make the music video, if it were up to me.
And then I found the clip and I just sat for about three minutes slack-jawed while I watched it.
It's art but set to contemporary music. It is the epitome of erotic and sexy and delicious and beautiful.
I'm beginning to sound slightly pretentious but I am smitten. There are hat tips to Vegas extravaganzas, Maurice Binder, 80s electronica etc.
Exceptional. 11 out of ten. I really think it is extraordinary. It could nearly take the top spot it wasn't for...
ONEJustice - DVNO
According to iTunes I have watched this video more than 59 times.
The most compelling video of all time. Can you spot the logos for Young and Restless, Oxford University Press, HBO, Sega, TGI Fridays, Fox and the Jacksons' song "Can You Feel It"?
Channel 4 is also featured, as is MacGuyver, Top Gun and Stephen J Cannell right the end. Stephen Cannell is the folded paper that used to appear at the end of Murder She Wrote and the A-Team.
This is number one because it is so compelling but also because the song would be nothing without the video.
I love it and my life is less because I didn't come up with the idea. Come on, who as a kid used to draw famous logos in the back of their school books? Exactly...
Watch DVNO here.
13:57
In the process of tidying up I decide to make a video of my own...
15:50
This is what we call snooze time.
16:22
I wake up in cold sweat, scared because I have been dismissive of some people's music video efforts.
So I decide to show you - and perhaps you have seen this before - but judge those valuable contributions against my effort at making a music video once...
17:32
I am doing some washing and need to concentrate.
Would you excuse me for a bit...
18:21
Oh yeah..
Any guesses?
Friday, 26 June 2009
Friday
There are two elements to today.
1/ I am in Westfield buying provisions for a weekend at Glastonbury. This includes an extra camera battery and a memory stick from the Sony shop.
2/ I am standing on Wood Lane and someone on a bicycle (in a blue hoody) rides past and snatches the Sony shopping bag which contains the camera provisions and the ticket for Glastonbury. That now means that I can't go.
I have been looking forward to it for ages.
You try and do nice things in life and all that happens is a big white refuse truck reverses to dump a whole load of fucking shit on your head.
You're going to have to talk amongst yourselves for a while. I just can't be fucked.
1/ I am in Westfield buying provisions for a weekend at Glastonbury. This includes an extra camera battery and a memory stick from the Sony shop.
2/ I am standing on Wood Lane and someone on a bicycle (in a blue hoody) rides past and snatches the Sony shopping bag which contains the camera provisions and the ticket for Glastonbury. That now means that I can't go.
I have been looking forward to it for ages.
You try and do nice things in life and all that happens is a big white refuse truck reverses to dump a whole load of fucking shit on your head.
You're going to have to talk amongst yourselves for a while. I just can't be fucked.
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Surfacing
15:23
It's the moment I come to and realise where I am.
This is probably because I am standing in the bathroom at work with my trousers falling down.
Today is Jonathan's birthday and I haven't sent him a card and the only thing I know he will appreciate is a picture of my baby's arm.
But there's no way I am going to do that because I know it will be passed around the office.
This is an easy compromise...
15:25
I text Jonathan because with iPhone version GS update (I don't know the correct words for this) I can now text people pictures.
"Your birthday package is waiting to be unwrapped."
15:26
"Oooooh... looks delicious."
Even though Jonathan is standing in front of TV cameras in the middle of a field in Somerset it takes him less than a minute to respond.
This is not surprising from a guy who admits that that he loves nothing more "than a nice big cock up his arse". His words not mine.
I am definitely not the kind of person to put words in peoples' mouths.
This is getting smutty...
19:09
I am standing in the middle of Westfield Shopping Centre and in front of me the BBC Symphony Orchestra are playing and the sound is beautiful.
I make a note-to-self to make a list of my favourite eva classical music tracks. This forms part of the weird aspect of me that requires everything in its place.
21:21
I am back at the office sorting out a hundred different things and suddenly a whole bunch of people appear looking very stressed but they're also drunk because it's been some important leaving do.
And everyone's talking about Mr Of Pop, first name King. Has he died or something?
Naturally, it doesn't take long...
"Coroner says he was looking very pale", "poisoning after eating 12 year old nuts", "suspicious circumstances, they're blaming it on the boogie" etc.
I think at this point I give up. I am not sure.
It's the moment I come to and realise where I am.
This is probably because I am standing in the bathroom at work with my trousers falling down.
Today is Jonathan's birthday and I haven't sent him a card and the only thing I know he will appreciate is a picture of my baby's arm.
But there's no way I am going to do that because I know it will be passed around the office.
This is an easy compromise...
15:25
I text Jonathan because with iPhone version GS update (I don't know the correct words for this) I can now text people pictures.
"Your birthday package is waiting to be unwrapped."
15:26
"Oooooh... looks delicious."
Even though Jonathan is standing in front of TV cameras in the middle of a field in Somerset it takes him less than a minute to respond.
This is not surprising from a guy who admits that that he loves nothing more "than a nice big cock up his arse". His words not mine.
I am definitely not the kind of person to put words in peoples' mouths.
This is getting smutty...
19:09
I am standing in the middle of Westfield Shopping Centre and in front of me the BBC Symphony Orchestra are playing and the sound is beautiful.
I make a note-to-self to make a list of my favourite eva classical music tracks. This forms part of the weird aspect of me that requires everything in its place.
21:21
I am back at the office sorting out a hundred different things and suddenly a whole bunch of people appear looking very stressed but they're also drunk because it's been some important leaving do.
And everyone's talking about Mr Of Pop, first name King. Has he died or something?
Naturally, it doesn't take long...
"Coroner says he was looking very pale", "poisoning after eating 12 year old nuts", "suspicious circumstances, they're blaming it on the boogie" etc.
I think at this point I give up. I am not sure.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Wednesday 24 June 09
09:13
09:42
The weird tropical disease* (WTD) on my face needs urgent attention.
* = I am slightly over-playing this hand for dramatic effect.
It is a spot about the size of my... alright, here is my WTD and the disease is called impetigo.
I will say that, in my defence "people who play close contact sports such as rugby and American football are also susceptible."
And you know how well my career is going with London Wasps.
So I have to get some Fucidin cream on prescription to get it sorted and in 48 hours it will be gone.
09:51
So I open the door to the consulting room to meet the doctor who's on duty today and oh-my-good-damn-fucking-god. This is going to be fun. Fuck.
09:52
"Please take a seat", says the doctor.
"Thanks", I say...
The doctor says "it's nice to see you again". I say "yeah, it's been a while..." I don't finish the sentence.
It would a little inappropriate to say, "yeah, the last time I saw you was when you were pants-down on my living room couch with your head in my crotch."
Ho hum.
So this is embarrassing and it illustrates again why London is a village. Like when you get a text from someone who says "saw so-and-so on Friday night. He screams "bottom"!
Or "he's just so crashingly dull".
Or "God, so-and-so was at the party. He didn't talk to anyone. He's an idiot"
14:01
At work and a colleague tells me that the doctor was probably as embarrassed as I was. I say that that's a possibility. She reminds me that he has access to a range of medicines that I may one day require (i.e. for Ibiza).
The irritating thing is that I don't have his mobile number even though he knows where I live.
14:03
I have to explain to the colleague that we didn't meet off Gaydar but actually in Fire when the rest of the world were going to their jobs.
He paid for the cab. And the pizza delivery.
14:04
And I think we've had quite enough of my gentleman friend in the medical profession.
I just hope that the stuff he's prescribed works.
16:09
Because of my earlier experience I am attempting to draw up The List. You must have tried it before.
As hard as I try (ahem) I can't help myself from trying to classify things.
What counts as what? What counts as a hook up? Is third base all the way? Is a hook up a kiss or is a hook up when you and another colleague find yourself in the stairwell of a Soho apartment block with two others.
I mean, it's hard to gauge these things.
Does a wank in the loos at Rupert Street count as a hook up? (No, I haven't actually, which you must believe because if I had, trust me I would tell you.)
I have put my lips on another guy's lips for quite a substantial amount of time on the roof of the Houses of Parliament but that was in 2004.
Thank you, I know. That's why I underlined it.
That was to be on the list somewhere.
On a Virgin Atlantic flight to Cape Town. But that was alone so it doesn't count. Maybe.
Actually, my list is rather dull although on top of the Commons, to borrow from Scrabble is the equivalent of 'quixotry' on a triple word score block.
16:19
Colleagues have decided that they want to join in this game. Only because I asked and we have:
While camping in Wales
On a train to Leeds
On Hampstead Heath (dirty bastard probably did it with George Michael)
At Torture Garden
And that's the end of that conversation.
16:57
And I think this is the moment where I officially bow out of this day because I'm done with it.
In a few hours I will change into my pyjamas and go to bed but for now, the day here is done.
09:42
The weird tropical disease* (WTD) on my face needs urgent attention.
* = I am slightly over-playing this hand for dramatic effect.It is a spot about the size of my... alright, here is my WTD and the disease is called impetigo.
I will say that, in my defence "people who play close contact sports such as rugby and American football are also susceptible."And you know how well my career is going with London Wasps.
So I have to get some Fucidin cream on prescription to get it sorted and in 48 hours it will be gone.
09:51
So I open the door to the consulting room to meet the doctor who's on duty today and oh-my-good-damn-fucking-god. This is going to be fun. Fuck.
09:52
"Please take a seat", says the doctor.
"Thanks", I say...
The doctor says "it's nice to see you again". I say "yeah, it's been a while..." I don't finish the sentence.
It would a little inappropriate to say, "yeah, the last time I saw you was when you were pants-down on my living room couch with your head in my crotch."
Ho hum.
So this is embarrassing and it illustrates again why London is a village. Like when you get a text from someone who says "saw so-and-so on Friday night. He screams "bottom"!
Or "he's just so crashingly dull".
Or "God, so-and-so was at the party. He didn't talk to anyone. He's an idiot"
14:01
At work and a colleague tells me that the doctor was probably as embarrassed as I was. I say that that's a possibility. She reminds me that he has access to a range of medicines that I may one day require (i.e. for Ibiza).
The irritating thing is that I don't have his mobile number even though he knows where I live.
14:03
I have to explain to the colleague that we didn't meet off Gaydar but actually in Fire when the rest of the world were going to their jobs.
He paid for the cab. And the pizza delivery.
14:04
And I think we've had quite enough of my gentleman friend in the medical profession.
I just hope that the stuff he's prescribed works.
16:09
Because of my earlier experience I am attempting to draw up The List. You must have tried it before.
As hard as I try (ahem) I can't help myself from trying to classify things.
What counts as what? What counts as a hook up? Is third base all the way? Is a hook up a kiss or is a hook up when you and another colleague find yourself in the stairwell of a Soho apartment block with two others.
I mean, it's hard to gauge these things.
Does a wank in the loos at Rupert Street count as a hook up? (No, I haven't actually, which you must believe because if I had, trust me I would tell you.)
I have put my lips on another guy's lips for quite a substantial amount of time on the roof of the Houses of Parliament but that was in 2004.
Thank you, I know. That's why I underlined it.
That was to be on the list somewhere.
On a Virgin Atlantic flight to Cape Town. But that was alone so it doesn't count. Maybe.
Actually, my list is rather dull although on top of the Commons, to borrow from Scrabble is the equivalent of 'quixotry' on a triple word score block.
16:19
Colleagues have decided that they want to join in this game. Only because I asked and we have:
While camping in Wales
On a train to Leeds
On Hampstead Heath (dirty bastard probably did it with George Michael)
At Torture Garden
And that's the end of that conversation.
16:57
And I think this is the moment where I officially bow out of this day because I'm done with it.
In a few hours I will change into my pyjamas and go to bed but for now, the day here is done.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Tuesday 23 June 09
09:35
Wake up or something.
That's what you generally have to do at the start of the day allegedly. I am never sure of the procedure but since it's what I've done before, I figure that it must be generally correct.
If anyone knows any different could they let me know. I can adjust.
10:08
Look! There's a Sydney Sheldon book lying the road. It is not mine but what the hell is it doing there?
This immediately reminds me a quote from Dorothy Parker who once said of a book she was reading; "this is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. Instead it should be thrown with great force."
Maybe someone nearby was reading it and suddenly realised their errant ways and exclaimed "what the fuck is this?!" And then through the air it flew.
13:51
Having lunch with the usual suspects at Westfield. Except I've finished...
So that's the end of that story then.
14:21
A text arrives.
"Hey - it's David. Thought I would see you were back from South Africa and if you wanted to do lunch maybe? Hope to hear X x."
Of course my first reaction is shock because of his use of the word "maybe". An adverb at the end of a sentence!?
But perhaps maybe is key.
Maybe suggests that he's already expecting me to say "no thanks".
FYI: David asked for my number on La Ligne De La Centrale, I said okay (I was having a particularly bad time at the time) and we went on a date and er.
I ended up texting him afterwards to say that me and my life partner were getting back together and perhaps I was going to take it cool etc.
Maybe he's forgotten all about my rather awful er, mistruths. Maybe he believed what I said and was checking to see.
Maybe I'm going to hell.
14:23
I consider texting David back but then of course it hits me. I am still in South Africa. Obviously. So that's that for a few days.
16:09
Oh god. My weird tropical disease has resurfaced which couldn't have come at a better time.
What is my weird tropical disease?
Well, the current humidity heat, using towels that the gym provides, working at a different desk every day, nicking yourself with a razor - it's a revolting and vile mix but it's a skin infection near my mouth. Like a cold sore.
I feel like a leper. I may consider crying. I might just take a photo for you to see.
19:21
Alone in a darkened room. I am like Quasimodo. I daren't go out. I can't be seen.
22:21
You know me. I'm a generous sort of fellow who would never wish ill on anyone but tonight I will make an unusual exception...
Who parks their SLK at night with the top down? Secretly, I really hope it rains so that tomorrow they wake up to find their car filled like a bucket.
They're such gay cars anyway.
22:56
Some days are big days. Others are rather puny little boring days that no-one really takes any notice of.
Today has been the latter.
Please tell me you haven't fallen asleep?
Wake up or something.
That's what you generally have to do at the start of the day allegedly. I am never sure of the procedure but since it's what I've done before, I figure that it must be generally correct.
If anyone knows any different could they let me know. I can adjust.
10:08
Look! There's a Sydney Sheldon book lying the road. It is not mine but what the hell is it doing there?
This immediately reminds me a quote from Dorothy Parker who once said of a book she was reading; "this is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. Instead it should be thrown with great force."Maybe someone nearby was reading it and suddenly realised their errant ways and exclaimed "what the fuck is this?!" And then through the air it flew.
13:51
Having lunch with the usual suspects at Westfield. Except I've finished...
So that's the end of that story then.14:21
A text arrives.
"Hey - it's David. Thought I would see you were back from South Africa and if you wanted to do lunch maybe? Hope to hear X x."
Of course my first reaction is shock because of his use of the word "maybe". An adverb at the end of a sentence!?
But perhaps maybe is key.
Maybe suggests that he's already expecting me to say "no thanks".
FYI: David asked for my number on La Ligne De La Centrale, I said okay (I was having a particularly bad time at the time) and we went on a date and er.
I ended up texting him afterwards to say that me and my life partner were getting back together and perhaps I was going to take it cool etc.
Maybe he's forgotten all about my rather awful er, mistruths. Maybe he believed what I said and was checking to see.
Maybe I'm going to hell.
14:23
I consider texting David back but then of course it hits me. I am still in South Africa. Obviously. So that's that for a few days.
16:09
Oh god. My weird tropical disease has resurfaced which couldn't have come at a better time.
What is my weird tropical disease?
Well, the current humidity heat, using towels that the gym provides, working at a different desk every day, nicking yourself with a razor - it's a revolting and vile mix but it's a skin infection near my mouth. Like a cold sore.
I feel like a leper. I may consider crying. I might just take a photo for you to see.
19:21
Alone in a darkened room. I am like Quasimodo. I daren't go out. I can't be seen.
22:21
You know me. I'm a generous sort of fellow who would never wish ill on anyone but tonight I will make an unusual exception...
Who parks their SLK at night with the top down? Secretly, I really hope it rains so that tomorrow they wake up to find their car filled like a bucket.They're such gay cars anyway.
22:56
Some days are big days. Others are rather puny little boring days that no-one really takes any notice of.
Today has been the latter.
Please tell me you haven't fallen asleep?
Monday, 22 June 2009
Monday, 22 June 09
08:50
There is what appears to be an iPhone and it's making a noise.
There is so much to do today, metaphoric mountains to climb. This is why I award myself an extra ten minutes in bed.
09:12
Ten minutes is like 12 minutes or something but who's counting? I am not.
09:51
This is the moment we hit the gym. We will do 30 lengths of swimming, then weights and then we will do abs. Attack!
11:24
There always has to be at least one every day that comes along to break my heart. Bastard thing...
This is the backside of an Aston Martin Vantage. As an object of design it takes my breath away.
11:25
I make a mental note to myself to be a little less un-gay and obsess over designer clothes and not sports cars.
14:18
I am sitting at my desk which is always an amusing sight to behold. Except I don't sit there for long because Jonathan (he of sex party) is around and that means we must gossip.
14:37
It's people you don't know about but basically - she's having an affair and he's black. It's been happening for some time now but Jonathan is convinced that her husband is actually gay and that's not an affair but instead that their marriage of convenience is becoming a little too open to be taken seriously.
14:46
And then there's Carl. Now his brother is the good-looking one on telly. Jonathan says he met Carl at a sauna but didn't realise it at first because they were in the sauna and he was getting a blow-job from someone who turned out to be Carl and it was a little embarrassing but they decided to go off someone quiet and apparently all Carl wanted was to get on his back and Jonathan who is usually a ...
(I think like Jonathan's sex parties, we've had enough of Jonathan's gossip too...)
15:23
Westfield.
16:51
I have decided to learn all the words to Lady GaGa's songs for the sake of it. One never knows when this knowledge may come in handy.
17:21
So we're all decided that the best lines from Poker Face are:
"A little gambling is fun when you're with me. Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun..."
19:42
I am undecided about the following pair of legs that I am sat next to on Le Ligne de Centrale.
I rate them between ordinary and okay.
They're not bad and they're not exceptional. What is helping that is that they're not excessively hairy or that it's patchy hair. The owner of these legs has also been in the sun which is good.
What isn't assisting the case for the prosecution is something you can't see. The details on above the shoulders wasn't that impressive at all. Minus at least 27 points for long hair.
There should be more of this sort of calibre of dress on the Tube I think.
20:07
I am considering buying a car. The car that I am considering buying will be the new VW Polo.
But let's leave makes and models and let's talk bumper stickers. There are a few I am considering because I think bumper stickers are going to make a comeback.
This time next year every single car that you see will have a bumper sticker on it.
Like indie kids who have bleached hair, stripey socks and stick badges all over themselves, so car owners up and down the entire world will be plastering bumper stickers on their motors.
Trust me, I have felt my balls regarding this. They're crystal you know...
So, I don't want some boring crap like "my other car is a Porsche...", I have narrowed it down to three options which I think you will agree are catchy, tasteful and well, just brilliant.
1/ I miss my ex. But my aim is improving
2/ Diamonds are a girl's best friend but my dick is a close second*
3/ Don't come knocking if the car is rocking
*This one may need tweaking.
22:14
I need to go to bed.
I need to take an anti-histamine.
I need to take a sleeping tablet.
22:17
I have done all three.
So this Monday wasn't that bad because at some point in the day I saw that Virgin Atlantic were having a birthday sale on flights.
I hauled out my credit card and looked at the special fares.
How much fun would it be to arrive at the bar in Cape Town completely by surprise and tap someone on the shoulder to say "So, I think you should buy me a drink..."
It could be the costliest and most ridiculous thing I have ever done. It could end in disaster.
Do you know what?! Whatever.
Life is for living. I'll have regrets when I'm dead.
I have started counting the days because sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump.
There is what appears to be an iPhone and it's making a noise.
There is so much to do today, metaphoric mountains to climb. This is why I award myself an extra ten minutes in bed.
09:12
Ten minutes is like 12 minutes or something but who's counting? I am not.
09:51
This is the moment we hit the gym. We will do 30 lengths of swimming, then weights and then we will do abs. Attack!
11:24
There always has to be at least one every day that comes along to break my heart. Bastard thing...
This is the backside of an Aston Martin Vantage. As an object of design it takes my breath away.11:25
I make a mental note to myself to be a little less un-gay and obsess over designer clothes and not sports cars.
14:18
I am sitting at my desk which is always an amusing sight to behold. Except I don't sit there for long because Jonathan (he of sex party) is around and that means we must gossip.
14:37
It's people you don't know about but basically - she's having an affair and he's black. It's been happening for some time now but Jonathan is convinced that her husband is actually gay and that's not an affair but instead that their marriage of convenience is becoming a little too open to be taken seriously.
14:46
And then there's Carl. Now his brother is the good-looking one on telly. Jonathan says he met Carl at a sauna but didn't realise it at first because they were in the sauna and he was getting a blow-job from someone who turned out to be Carl and it was a little embarrassing but they decided to go off someone quiet and apparently all Carl wanted was to get on his back and Jonathan who is usually a ...
(I think like Jonathan's sex parties, we've had enough of Jonathan's gossip too...)
15:23
Westfield.
16:51
I have decided to learn all the words to Lady GaGa's songs for the sake of it. One never knows when this knowledge may come in handy.
17:21
So we're all decided that the best lines from Poker Face are:
"A little gambling is fun when you're with me. Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun..."
19:42
I am undecided about the following pair of legs that I am sat next to on Le Ligne de Centrale.
I rate them between ordinary and okay.They're not bad and they're not exceptional. What is helping that is that they're not excessively hairy or that it's patchy hair. The owner of these legs has also been in the sun which is good.
What isn't assisting the case for the prosecution is something you can't see. The details on above the shoulders wasn't that impressive at all. Minus at least 27 points for long hair.
There should be more of this sort of calibre of dress on the Tube I think.
20:07
I am considering buying a car. The car that I am considering buying will be the new VW Polo.
But let's leave makes and models and let's talk bumper stickers. There are a few I am considering because I think bumper stickers are going to make a comeback.
This time next year every single car that you see will have a bumper sticker on it.
Like indie kids who have bleached hair, stripey socks and stick badges all over themselves, so car owners up and down the entire world will be plastering bumper stickers on their motors.
Trust me, I have felt my balls regarding this. They're crystal you know...
So, I don't want some boring crap like "my other car is a Porsche...", I have narrowed it down to three options which I think you will agree are catchy, tasteful and well, just brilliant.
1/ I miss my ex. But my aim is improving
2/ Diamonds are a girl's best friend but my dick is a close second*
3/ Don't come knocking if the car is rocking
*This one may need tweaking.
22:14
I need to go to bed.
I need to take an anti-histamine.
I need to take a sleeping tablet.
22:17
I have done all three.
So this Monday wasn't that bad because at some point in the day I saw that Virgin Atlantic were having a birthday sale on flights.
I hauled out my credit card and looked at the special fares.
How much fun would it be to arrive at the bar in Cape Town completely by surprise and tap someone on the shoulder to say "So, I think you should buy me a drink..."
It could be the costliest and most ridiculous thing I have ever done. It could end in disaster.
Do you know what?! Whatever.
Life is for living. I'll have regrets when I'm dead.
I have started counting the days because sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump.
Sunday, 21 June 2009
Sunday 21 June 09
09:10
Ohmygod so I like totally wake up and this is Sunday and ping! I don't know what's been happening over the last few days.
It's been a little erratic.
What was that all about? Nobody can say.
09:26
I am on the way to gym when the cracks in my heart appear and my breath shortens. Ohmygod.
It's there in the Audi garage....
The most revolting, brash, garish, bling, over the top, gaudy and flashy piece of equipment I have ever seen in my whole life. I want it so badly it physically hurts.
I have to go and touch it. I have to be near it.
This is a 4.2 litre V8 that kicks out more than 414bhp. It is thug. It is breathtaking.
This is the car we are going to cruise around in, listening to "Mo Money Mo Problems" by Notorious B.I.G. from his legendary 1997 album Life After Death.
09:51
This place is called the gym and this is where I am going to be for the next two hours and eleven minutes.
We will do swimming, some biceps and then Abs Attack! A class so fierce and so important that they had to give it an exclamation mark. Attack! Pow!
10:21
The following conversation happens in the swimming pool - you decide who's party "A" and who's party "B"...
Party "A": Um, I think you'll see that the sign says it's a swimming lane it's not a paddling lane so if you can't..."
Party "A" then turns around and carries on with his lengths and the speed he was doing them. Fuck knows what Party "B" might have said.
Who cares.
11:01
We are in the weights area so-called because there are weights in this area. Will.i.am is with us in this area.
Yesterday we were getting tired of Will.i.am, today we like him. (Completely unrelated: his T-shirt is a lot tighter today than it was yesterday)
11:04
It is at this moment that I become privy to some earth-shattering information. Like the moment those haggered old scientists realised that the cloth they were holding was the Turin shroud.
Will.i.am tells me that there's a competition running between some members and a few personal trainers.
Will.i.am tells me that I have been someone who has been identified as a participant and that it has become incumbent on him to tell me this.
I am told what the competition entails and how the winner will be judged. Once you have been tapped in there is not getting out.
Then Will.i.am asks me to hold out my hand. He takes my wrist with one hand and with the other pulls a small dagger from the top of his trousers. In a flash he has whipped his blade to make a tiny slice on the top of my hand, two drops of blood seep out.
He then leans in, closes his eyes and kisses them.
Lowering his voice he whispers. "cu è surdu, orbu e taci, campa cent'anni 'mpaci".
11:57
It's time for Ab Attack! And here in the Ab Attack! Class is me and Eugene and a whole bunch of other gays and some girls and two straight guys (they're the ones in the vests with hairy backs).
I don't think you've met Eugene before. He's 32, is pretty good looking but for the last 14 years has been in a long-term relationship with Tom. They broke up which is proving particularly difficult because Tom also comes to the same gym.
In fact there is Tom at the other end of the Ab Attack! Class.
Fun times.
13:07
I am with Jonathan. He tells me about the group sex party he went to last night in Stoke Newington. He volunteered the information and I don't suggest we change the subject.
So what happens is you arrive and then take your clothes off and there are some people wandering around without clothes on.
And the kitchen is where you're not supposed to have sex.
And everyone has sex everywhere, in the bedroom and the lounge and the bath.
Jonathan says he was there for "a long time". Apparently it takes a lot of T to keep up.
T is Tina, everyone knows that. (Oh really?)
But if you can't keep it up, most guys wear a cockring.
And for much for the time you talk in the kitchen then sometimes wander off and have sex or join in with other people having sex.
I don't understand and ask Jonathan, I mean after a few goes surely things get a little tender around the trap door area?
"Oh no, you're so fucked and relaxed that after a while you could park a bus there. The sore bit is mostly your front end because you spend twelve hours playing with yourself and not realising.
It gets red raw."
And most of the guys are middle 30s and all shapes and sizes and there was a black guy with an enormous cock and I think we've heard quite enough of Jonathan's sex party.
16:09
I am on the phone to my mother.
19:41
My housemate is watching Shirley Valentine and I can't believe that I find myself welling up. It's the part where Shirley's in love, on holiday and can't make her mind up what to do and she says "why do we get all this life if we don't use it properly."
I make a mental note to live my life my fully. I'll do that tomorrow maybe.
20:21
And so the sun starts to set on the longest day of the year and from now on, we're on a collision course with winter that cannot be altered.
Soon the days will be short and frost will coverthe pavement. 2009 is now basically over. Winter's on its way.
No wait, there's still so much to look forward to.
But the sadness and realisation that the year is being lowered into the ground can't be avoided. Tori is sitting at her piano playing and singing to me...
"With the lights out it's less dangerous. Here we are now entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now entertain us."
20:22
I'm walking behind this knob-end who's taking up most of the pavement and I can think of a number of words, other than phat.
Like...
Fat
Prat
Twat
Move Out Of The Way And Stop Swaggering You Tosser
etc.
And even though you don't know him, I bet you could think of a few too...
21:49
I am going to go to bed. To dream about stuff.
Particularly stuff like Will.i.am and I sharing an erotic ritual of silence because in my dreams is about the only place that's likely to happen.
The competition may give me nightmares though. Real ones.
Ohmygod so I like totally wake up and this is Sunday and ping! I don't know what's been happening over the last few days.
It's been a little erratic.
What was that all about? Nobody can say.
09:26
I am on the way to gym when the cracks in my heart appear and my breath shortens. Ohmygod.
It's there in the Audi garage....
The most revolting, brash, garish, bling, over the top, gaudy and flashy piece of equipment I have ever seen in my whole life. I want it so badly it physically hurts.
I have to go and touch it. I have to be near it.
This is a 4.2 litre V8 that kicks out more than 414bhp. It is thug. It is breathtaking.This is the car we are going to cruise around in, listening to "Mo Money Mo Problems" by Notorious B.I.G. from his legendary 1997 album Life After Death.
09:51
This place is called the gym and this is where I am going to be for the next two hours and eleven minutes.
We will do swimming, some biceps and then Abs Attack! A class so fierce and so important that they had to give it an exclamation mark. Attack! Pow!
10:21
The following conversation happens in the swimming pool - you decide who's party "A" and who's party "B"...
Party "A": Um, I think you'll see that the sign says it's a swimming lane it's not a paddling lane so if you can't..."
Party "A" then turns around and carries on with his lengths and the speed he was doing them. Fuck knows what Party "B" might have said.
Who cares.
11:01
We are in the weights area so-called because there are weights in this area. Will.i.am is with us in this area.
Yesterday we were getting tired of Will.i.am, today we like him. (Completely unrelated: his T-shirt is a lot tighter today than it was yesterday)
11:04
It is at this moment that I become privy to some earth-shattering information. Like the moment those haggered old scientists realised that the cloth they were holding was the Turin shroud.
Will.i.am tells me that there's a competition running between some members and a few personal trainers.
Will.i.am tells me that I have been someone who has been identified as a participant and that it has become incumbent on him to tell me this.
I am told what the competition entails and how the winner will be judged. Once you have been tapped in there is not getting out.
Then Will.i.am asks me to hold out my hand. He takes my wrist with one hand and with the other pulls a small dagger from the top of his trousers. In a flash he has whipped his blade to make a tiny slice on the top of my hand, two drops of blood seep out.
He then leans in, closes his eyes and kisses them.
Lowering his voice he whispers. "cu è surdu, orbu e taci, campa cent'anni 'mpaci".
11:57
It's time for Ab Attack! And here in the Ab Attack! Class is me and Eugene and a whole bunch of other gays and some girls and two straight guys (they're the ones in the vests with hairy backs).
I don't think you've met Eugene before. He's 32, is pretty good looking but for the last 14 years has been in a long-term relationship with Tom. They broke up which is proving particularly difficult because Tom also comes to the same gym.
In fact there is Tom at the other end of the Ab Attack! Class.
Fun times.
13:07
I am with Jonathan. He tells me about the group sex party he went to last night in Stoke Newington. He volunteered the information and I don't suggest we change the subject.
So what happens is you arrive and then take your clothes off and there are some people wandering around without clothes on.
And the kitchen is where you're not supposed to have sex.
And everyone has sex everywhere, in the bedroom and the lounge and the bath.
Jonathan says he was there for "a long time". Apparently it takes a lot of T to keep up.
T is Tina, everyone knows that. (Oh really?)
But if you can't keep it up, most guys wear a cockring.
And for much for the time you talk in the kitchen then sometimes wander off and have sex or join in with other people having sex.
I don't understand and ask Jonathan, I mean after a few goes surely things get a little tender around the trap door area?
"Oh no, you're so fucked and relaxed that after a while you could park a bus there. The sore bit is mostly your front end because you spend twelve hours playing with yourself and not realising.
It gets red raw."
And most of the guys are middle 30s and all shapes and sizes and there was a black guy with an enormous cock and I think we've heard quite enough of Jonathan's sex party.
16:09
I am on the phone to my mother.
19:41
My housemate is watching Shirley Valentine and I can't believe that I find myself welling up. It's the part where Shirley's in love, on holiday and can't make her mind up what to do and she says "why do we get all this life if we don't use it properly."
I make a mental note to live my life my fully. I'll do that tomorrow maybe.
20:21
And so the sun starts to set on the longest day of the year and from now on, we're on a collision course with winter that cannot be altered.
Soon the days will be short and frost will coverthe pavement. 2009 is now basically over. Winter's on its way.
No wait, there's still so much to look forward to.
But the sadness and realisation that the year is being lowered into the ground can't be avoided. Tori is sitting at her piano playing and singing to me...
"With the lights out it's less dangerous. Here we are now entertain us. I feel stupid and contagious. Here we are now entertain us."
20:22
I'm walking behind this knob-end who's taking up most of the pavement and I can think of a number of words, other than phat.
Like...Fat
Prat
Twat
Move Out Of The Way And Stop Swaggering You Tosser
etc.
And even though you don't know him, I bet you could think of a few too...
21:49
I am going to go to bed. To dream about stuff.
Particularly stuff like Will.i.am and I sharing an erotic ritual of silence because in my dreams is about the only place that's likely to happen.
The competition may give me nightmares though. Real ones.
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Sunday, 14 June 2009
00:21
So we are in a club dancing. It looks like this...
00:47
This is dancing above us but nobody is taking any notice of it.
02:40
And now we're in this club which is just around the corner and I have had a shot of Sambuca.
03:07
Dancing.
03:31
For some reason I just can't be bothered so I quietly slip away.
03:34
I realise that I need something to soak up the Sambuca in my stomach so I head to the place that anyone who has ever been out in Cape Town will know and love....
The pie shop!
03:37
I remember that just over 48 hours ago Alex and I were at the pie shop. It's weird to be standing there all alone. For a Saturday night it is extremely quiet.
03:43
Sitting in the car munching my pie. It's just not the same.
04:01
You can fill in the rest here...
22:10
I'm putting clothes into a suitcase which means that it's coming to an end.
I'll be back here again soon and I'm excited for it already.
22:17
My emotions are shot to shreds. My liver is too. So are my lungs.
Would you mind if I was incredibly rude and asked you to talk amongst yourselves for a little bit while I gather myself and my thoughts?
Back in a moment.
This post clubbing comedown is about to hit me very hard in a moment or two. I have boarded up the windows and have sand-bagged the levees but as much as you prepare, once the tears start coming, it's difficult to know when they're going to stop.
This is the mother of all storms.
22:21
And I have started playing Eurythmics' song "17 Again" and here we go. Oh god, this is now going to hurt a lot.
So we are in a club dancing. It looks like this...
00:47
This is dancing above us but nobody is taking any notice of it.
02:40
And now we're in this club which is just around the corner and I have had a shot of Sambuca.
03:07
Dancing.
03:31
For some reason I just can't be bothered so I quietly slip away.
03:34
I realise that I need something to soak up the Sambuca in my stomach so I head to the place that anyone who has ever been out in Cape Town will know and love....
The pie shop!03:37
I remember that just over 48 hours ago Alex and I were at the pie shop. It's weird to be standing there all alone. For a Saturday night it is extremely quiet.
03:43
Sitting in the car munching my pie. It's just not the same.
04:01
You can fill in the rest here...
22:10
I'm putting clothes into a suitcase which means that it's coming to an end.
I'll be back here again soon and I'm excited for it already.
22:17
My emotions are shot to shreds. My liver is too. So are my lungs.
Would you mind if I was incredibly rude and asked you to talk amongst yourselves for a little bit while I gather myself and my thoughts?
Back in a moment.
This post clubbing comedown is about to hit me very hard in a moment or two. I have boarded up the windows and have sand-bagged the levees but as much as you prepare, once the tears start coming, it's difficult to know when they're going to stop.
This is the mother of all storms.
22:21
And I have started playing Eurythmics' song "17 Again" and here we go. Oh god, this is now going to hurt a lot.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Saturday, 13 June 2009
11:04
Could this be the time that I wake up? Who knows...
I haven't really been keeping track and I don't suppose you have either.
12:23
I am still lying in bed because I just cannot bring myself to get out.
13:08
Oh, screw it...
19:41
And that's amusing because last night we were in a restaurant that was trying to look Greekish.
Whereas now, as if by magic...
We are in a restaurant that is actually a Greek restaurant.
And mum and dad have been replaced by Andrew and Kevin.
20:58
Presenting the first in an occasional series of "Bobby's Restaurant Reviews"...
So:
If you go to Marika's in Camps Bay, have the lamb burger cos it's nice.
Obviously don't eat it if you're a vegetarian.
I can't remember how much it cost. Bye.
21:27
Boys, this is the Ritz Hotel in Sea Point in Cape Town. Except everyone refers to it as The Pits...
The reason for this particular nomenclature is perhaps because the place hasn't been touched since the 80s.
And the top you will see a round thing. That is a revolving restaurant. Naturally everyone calls it the Revolting restaurant.
We are at the Pitz because we have finished at the Greek restaurant and we are too early to go to a bar. So we are having a drink in the dreadful bar at the top of the hotel. The barman is drunk.
Seriously, this place has not been touched since the autumn of 1982. It is ghastly / fabulous.
21:38
Presenting the first in an occasional series of "Bobby's Bar Reviews"...
So:
If you want to drink somewhere that feels like you're stuck in some bizarre time warp then go to the top of the Ritz. Even the pianist (on a white piano, mind...) was playing Barbra Streisand's "Woman in Love."
I had fun actually. Like a novelty card is fun for a while.
But mind the barman if he's drunk. Bye.
22:19
What's this?
Oh, we're in the Beaulah Bar in Green Point.
22:38
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes, that was the sound of you laughing when I told you of the story of the guy whose picture I found on the internet.
Okay, so you don't remember it. Well it wasn't that funny actually. You can refresh yourself of this story by going here now.
I thought he was hot, okay!
Anyway, so you know the punch line to this story already but at this exact time I see a guy in the bar who looks strangely familiar and I cannot think of where I've seen him.
And then it occurs to me.
22:49
Ping! (That's the sound of the penny dropping through the eye of the camel)
He's the guy I wrote about on my blog. This revelation deserves an OMFG with an ! mark. OMFG!
Of course, it has to happen...
I say "you're going to think I'm mad but I want my picture taken with you."
He says: "I think you're a little mad but that's okay. What's it for?"
I say: "Do you have a pen an paper?"
He says: "Um no, you really are mad."
I say: Hold on.
I ask for the barman for a pen and paper. (I ask, I get).
Writing my e-mail address down on a piece of paper I say, "if you e-mail me I will show you what the picture's for and don't worry, it's nothing outrageous or ridiculous."
I don't think that's a lie.
23:08
"Alex. Missing you. In Beaulah with some familiar-looking suspects. ---- says hello and your weird stalker can't find you. He is weird. It's not the same without you."
23:36
Standing at the bar and I have about 17% dread for how this evening's going to end.
It's not going to be pretty, that is all I am able to ascertain at this stage.
Could this be the time that I wake up? Who knows...
I haven't really been keeping track and I don't suppose you have either.
12:23
I am still lying in bed because I just cannot bring myself to get out.
13:08
Oh, screw it...
19:41
And that's amusing because last night we were in a restaurant that was trying to look Greekish.
Whereas now, as if by magic...
We are in a restaurant that is actually a Greek restaurant.And mum and dad have been replaced by Andrew and Kevin.
20:58
Presenting the first in an occasional series of "Bobby's Restaurant Reviews"...
So:
If you go to Marika's in Camps Bay, have the lamb burger cos it's nice.
Obviously don't eat it if you're a vegetarian.
I can't remember how much it cost. Bye.
21:27
Boys, this is the Ritz Hotel in Sea Point in Cape Town. Except everyone refers to it as The Pits...
The reason for this particular nomenclature is perhaps because the place hasn't been touched since the 80s.And the top you will see a round thing. That is a revolving restaurant. Naturally everyone calls it the Revolting restaurant.
We are at the Pitz because we have finished at the Greek restaurant and we are too early to go to a bar. So we are having a drink in the dreadful bar at the top of the hotel. The barman is drunk.
Seriously, this place has not been touched since the autumn of 1982. It is ghastly / fabulous.
21:38
Presenting the first in an occasional series of "Bobby's Bar Reviews"...
So:
If you want to drink somewhere that feels like you're stuck in some bizarre time warp then go to the top of the Ritz. Even the pianist (on a white piano, mind...) was playing Barbra Streisand's "Woman in Love."
I had fun actually. Like a novelty card is fun for a while.
But mind the barman if he's drunk. Bye.
22:19
What's this?
Oh, we're in the Beaulah Bar in Green Point.
22:38
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes, that was the sound of you laughing when I told you of the story of the guy whose picture I found on the internet.
Okay, so you don't remember it. Well it wasn't that funny actually. You can refresh yourself of this story by going here now.
I thought he was hot, okay!
Anyway, so you know the punch line to this story already but at this exact time I see a guy in the bar who looks strangely familiar and I cannot think of where I've seen him.
And then it occurs to me.
22:49
Ping! (That's the sound of the penny dropping through the eye of the camel)
He's the guy I wrote about on my blog. This revelation deserves an OMFG with an ! mark. OMFG!
Of course, it has to happen...
I say "you're going to think I'm mad but I want my picture taken with you."He says: "I think you're a little mad but that's okay. What's it for?"
I say: "Do you have a pen an paper?"
He says: "Um no, you really are mad."
I say: Hold on.
I ask for the barman for a pen and paper. (I ask, I get).
Writing my e-mail address down on a piece of paper I say, "if you e-mail me I will show you what the picture's for and don't worry, it's nothing outrageous or ridiculous."
I don't think that's a lie.
23:08
"Alex. Missing you. In Beaulah with some familiar-looking suspects. ---- says hello and your weird stalker can't find you. He is weird. It's not the same without you."
23:36
Standing at the bar and I have about 17% dread for how this evening's going to end.
It's not going to be pretty, that is all I am able to ascertain at this stage.
Friday, 12 June 2009
Friday, 12 June 09
00:14
It is an extremely quiet Thursday night so that is why the bar we were at has shut and now we've moved to Bronx. At The Bronx there is me, Alex, Andrew and Kevin.
And there is Justin too.
00:17
Except Andrew and Kevin have now left so there is just Alex and me. And Justin.
00:19
I have to say to Justin, "Justin, I might as well come out and tell you. The guy I am with, I am paying for by the hour and it's costing around R500 an hour." ($62 / £37)
This is a ploy to try and repulse Justin into leaving us alone.
00:21
"Justin every time stagger up to me to tell me what you think about me and then put your arm around me, it's costing me R100." ($12.42 / £7.51)
00:23
Justin staggers up to Alex; "I wouldn't pay R500 for you".
Alex says to Justin; "I wouldn't go with you for anything less than R10,000".
And Justin has stopped bothering us.
00:27
I having a wee in the siffiest toilet I have ever weed in for the last 9 years and 4 months. If this is it on a quiet night, can you imagine it when the club is rammed?!
00:36
Someone has now started to pester Alex so we decide that we are not going to stay at The Bronx anymore so we leave.
00:41
We are sitting in Alex's car chomping pies that we bought at the filling station.
00:56
We are sitting at Alex's house where he is still chomping on a pie and I am swigging wine out of the bottle. There is conversation too though no music. We're trying not to make too much noise.
We talk about:
1/ Guys
2/ Cars
3/ Stuff
09:45
I am sitting having a cup of tea and a cigarette. I have not smoked a cigarette at this time of the morning since er... the last time I did. It must be pre-2009.
10:23
And Justine and Melissa appear from the flat downstairs from Alex's and I am onto my second cigarette. We decide that all we want is a glass of wine and sushi.
I don't think you've met Justine and Melissa or perhaps you have? This is them in the car from earlier last night...
My, what a lovely pair, you say...
12:50
Anyway. Sushi and wine is what we are doing...
Except Melissa and Justine are having Bloody Marys and Alex and I have opted for Long Island Iced Teas. It's Friday morning for God's sake.
And it's so lovely to be sitting the warm winter sun and I wish that I could do this for the rest of the time that I am on earth but it's not going to happen. Mainly because I can't sit in the same place 24/7.
15:24
We are back at Alex's flat where he is packing to go home to Zimbabwe for a while, the next morning. I am putting my stuff in my car to go home to my parents right now.
15:27
17:39
At my parents and jeez, I need a bloody drink.
18:50
My dad is home from work and my mother hasn't bothered to put the stove on so this means we're going out for dinner!
This is going to be an experience as painful as it sounds. This is going to be seriously bad.
I love my parents dearly but to be honest, they are ghastly and middle class.
19:31
We are at the restaurant so beloved of my parents. It takes 23 seconds after my dad has sat down for the waitress to have bounded up to him. She is practically sitting in his lap and stroking his head.
"Hello Mr Cox, so lovely to see you again. Hope you're going to have a great meal here. Love you lots. Do you mind if I wiggle on your lap?" etc.
19:34
The restaurant isn't a chain which is why it's made to look like one.
It is decorated in the style of a Greek-stylee taverna complete with fake blue wooden doors on the wall and fish netting hanging from the ceiling.
Except at this restaurant you eat seafood not Greek food but the experience is pretty authentic nonetheless. It's like being one stop from Mykonos.
And trust me, I know Greece. I've seen Mamma Mia AND Shirley Valentine.
19:48
If you didn't know you'd think I we were Santorini-lite...
20:41
My dad is basking in the attention from the waitress.
She is nearly being as nice to him as an Eastern European mail order bride is, the night before she realises that her man's penis and wallet are not of the size she was expecting.
My mother says "gosh, it's so nice when the waitresses make an effort."
I am not sure whether to file my mother's statement under ignorance, naivety or 'Three Glasses of Chardonnay Down'?
21:22
The waitress is looking deep into my dad's eyes. She's 17. She wants to be an actress. She wants showbiz and city lights and she wants to be a dancer.
She tells him her dreams, her wants, her desires.
She tells him all these things because he asked her when she brought the bill. Perhaps it is also because my mum's gone to the loo.
"Oh, Mr Cox, it's been such a pleasure to serve you. I've loved every minute."
"Oh, Tracey, its been such a pleasure to have you serve us. I have loved every minute. Oh..."
"Oh?"
"Oh..."
21:23
She gets the customary 10% tip from my dad.
I did warn you. Ghastly and middle class.
21:27
We get up to leave and dad is looking around. He wants a last good-bye from Tracey. Er, good-bye my ass!
She glides past and doesn't even look up to acknowledge my dad.
21:41
We're in the car on the way home and my dad is not saying anything. This amuses me greatly.
21:50
Friday night. Home. Bed. It's been a long, long day...
It is an extremely quiet Thursday night so that is why the bar we were at has shut and now we've moved to Bronx. At The Bronx there is me, Alex, Andrew and Kevin.
And there is Justin too.
00:17
Except Andrew and Kevin have now left so there is just Alex and me. And Justin.
00:19
I have to say to Justin, "Justin, I might as well come out and tell you. The guy I am with, I am paying for by the hour and it's costing around R500 an hour." ($62 / £37)
This is a ploy to try and repulse Justin into leaving us alone.
00:21
"Justin every time stagger up to me to tell me what you think about me and then put your arm around me, it's costing me R100." ($12.42 / £7.51)
00:23
Justin staggers up to Alex; "I wouldn't pay R500 for you".
Alex says to Justin; "I wouldn't go with you for anything less than R10,000".
And Justin has stopped bothering us.
00:27
I having a wee in the siffiest toilet I have ever weed in for the last 9 years and 4 months. If this is it on a quiet night, can you imagine it when the club is rammed?!
00:36
Someone has now started to pester Alex so we decide that we are not going to stay at The Bronx anymore so we leave.
00:41
We are sitting in Alex's car chomping pies that we bought at the filling station.
00:56
We are sitting at Alex's house where he is still chomping on a pie and I am swigging wine out of the bottle. There is conversation too though no music. We're trying not to make too much noise.
We talk about:
1/ Guys
2/ Cars
3/ Stuff
09:45
I am sitting having a cup of tea and a cigarette. I have not smoked a cigarette at this time of the morning since er... the last time I did. It must be pre-2009.
10:23
And Justine and Melissa appear from the flat downstairs from Alex's and I am onto my second cigarette. We decide that all we want is a glass of wine and sushi.
I don't think you've met Justine and Melissa or perhaps you have? This is them in the car from earlier last night...
My, what a lovely pair, you say...12:50
Anyway. Sushi and wine is what we are doing...
Except Melissa and Justine are having Bloody Marys and Alex and I have opted for Long Island Iced Teas. It's Friday morning for God's sake.And it's so lovely to be sitting the warm winter sun and I wish that I could do this for the rest of the time that I am on earth but it's not going to happen. Mainly because I can't sit in the same place 24/7.
15:24
We are back at Alex's flat where he is packing to go home to Zimbabwe for a while, the next morning. I am putting my stuff in my car to go home to my parents right now.
15:27
17:39
At my parents and jeez, I need a bloody drink.
18:50
My dad is home from work and my mother hasn't bothered to put the stove on so this means we're going out for dinner!
This is going to be an experience as painful as it sounds. This is going to be seriously bad.
I love my parents dearly but to be honest, they are ghastly and middle class.
19:31
We are at the restaurant so beloved of my parents. It takes 23 seconds after my dad has sat down for the waitress to have bounded up to him. She is practically sitting in his lap and stroking his head.
"Hello Mr Cox, so lovely to see you again. Hope you're going to have a great meal here. Love you lots. Do you mind if I wiggle on your lap?" etc.
19:34
The restaurant isn't a chain which is why it's made to look like one.
It is decorated in the style of a Greek-stylee taverna complete with fake blue wooden doors on the wall and fish netting hanging from the ceiling.
Except at this restaurant you eat seafood not Greek food but the experience is pretty authentic nonetheless. It's like being one stop from Mykonos.
And trust me, I know Greece. I've seen Mamma Mia AND Shirley Valentine.
19:48
If you didn't know you'd think I we were Santorini-lite...
20:41
My dad is basking in the attention from the waitress.
She is nearly being as nice to him as an Eastern European mail order bride is, the night before she realises that her man's penis and wallet are not of the size she was expecting.
My mother says "gosh, it's so nice when the waitresses make an effort."
I am not sure whether to file my mother's statement under ignorance, naivety or 'Three Glasses of Chardonnay Down'?
21:22
The waitress is looking deep into my dad's eyes. She's 17. She wants to be an actress. She wants showbiz and city lights and she wants to be a dancer.
She tells him her dreams, her wants, her desires.
She tells him all these things because he asked her when she brought the bill. Perhaps it is also because my mum's gone to the loo.
"Oh, Mr Cox, it's been such a pleasure to serve you. I've loved every minute."
"Oh, Tracey, its been such a pleasure to have you serve us. I have loved every minute. Oh..."
"Oh?"
"Oh..."
21:23
She gets the customary 10% tip from my dad.
I did warn you. Ghastly and middle class.
21:27
We get up to leave and dad is looking around. He wants a last good-bye from Tracey. Er, good-bye my ass!
She glides past and doesn't even look up to acknowledge my dad.
21:41
We're in the car on the way home and my dad is not saying anything. This amuses me greatly.
21:50
Friday night. Home. Bed. It's been a long, long day...
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Wed, 10 June 09
00:17
So I am 31 years old and there's nothing more appropriate for a 31 year old than to be drinking up a storm in a student bar in Stellenbosch, a student town like Cambridge or New Haven.
That is why Alex has said I should be here and that is why I am here.
And drinking is what we are doing.
We have learnt that this bar is one of the places to be scene in Stellenbosch. The mean age of those around me is about 22.
I feel like the lecherous uncle in the corner. I would be a problem but one of the girls in our group thinks I'm "hot".
Thank god, I've been accepted.
I tell two of them I'm straight to avoid being killed and the third who knows I'm a flaming bender has christened me her BFF or BBF. I am not sure?!
00:29
We must drink what the students drink to assimilate into their environment and for this task we have a "Cane Train".
A cane train is two parts Cream Soda (in South Africa's it's green because it's so natural is not made up of any chemicals at all...)
Anyway, we know from Alex that a cane train is two parts Cream Soda and 5 parts cane.
00:31
BFF stands for Best Friend Forever. She's mine boys, hands off.
Alex tells one of the girls that I am not actually straight. This seems to be the best that has happened to her all evening.
I reckon it is because she realises that she's not going to make a return on her investment even though for a few hours she was convinced she may have...
02:20
Dude back up...
It's Big Man on Campus.
02:56
I don't know how to turn the camera around. Blame the Cane Trains.
3:40
We must love each other. I love you and them.
Put your arms around me baby...
10:07
Fuck. Somehow I got home and I am in bed. How this happened is unclear.
13:08
I am eating grilled chicken because suddenly I am petrified that I am fat. This is an alarm.
I should go to the gym.
14:37
I am sitting in the harbour with Alex having a beer and a burger. This is because the previous emergency has subsided.
There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that I have bought my own packet of cigarettes and am smoking the Marlboro Lights that I have bought. To suggest anything otherwise would be a downlight bloody er.
15:19
Alex is doing er...
No-one is entirely sure but the weather is calm and I am not paying attention.
17:20
I am walking along the beach and the sun is going down and all around is beautiful and, for some reason, it is quiet.
For the occasion I am listening to Citizen of the Planet by Alanis and it sounds eerily appropriate but the sand cannot squelch between by toes because I have shoes on.
I am thinking about things which include stuff, being back in London, sitting in Soho Square.
It is the first time too that I have thought him You Know Who. So just who is this - - - - - - - person that I am thinking about?
Once again it is time that has won through, as it has so often in the past. Seriously. Who is this person that I am thinking about?! I wonder what he's doing?
17:31
The sun dips below the winter clouds but it is not cold.
All that has gone before now doesn't matter...
19:38
I am at home and my mum is cooking dinner but there is navy (no gravy). Maybe things have progressed. Maybe it's just because we had it the other night.
20:31 (19:31 UK time)
Dinner is finished and we have had our wine which means my mother is feeling decidedly fragrant and is sitting at the piano in the music room.
I suggest that since we are fed and clothed, we should pay tribute and thanks to the country we are in.
21:02
Music time is over. It should have been over at least 37 minutes ago.
For my parents it is time to think about bedtime.
Elizabeth has cleared the diningtable, my dad has fallen asleep in front of the TV and
21:56
Screw that shit, it's time for bed too.
And so this was my first day as a 31 year old. I feel I need to make some claims about my mental state or overstate some sort of regret I haven't resolved but to be honest, there is none of that.
Is this because there is nothing to feel or because all that I am supposed to be feeling is being stored up, to hit me like a freight train of emotion in a few years' time!?
I don't know what's supposed to go here?
So I am 31 years old and there's nothing more appropriate for a 31 year old than to be drinking up a storm in a student bar in Stellenbosch, a student town like Cambridge or New Haven.
That is why Alex has said I should be here and that is why I am here.
And drinking is what we are doing.
We have learnt that this bar is one of the places to be scene in Stellenbosch. The mean age of those around me is about 22.I feel like the lecherous uncle in the corner. I would be a problem but one of the girls in our group thinks I'm "hot".
Thank god, I've been accepted.
I tell two of them I'm straight to avoid being killed and the third who knows I'm a flaming bender has christened me her BFF or BBF. I am not sure?!
00:29
We must drink what the students drink to assimilate into their environment and for this task we have a "Cane Train".
A cane train is two parts Cream Soda (in South Africa's it's green because it's so natural is not made up of any chemicals at all...)Anyway, we know from Alex that a cane train is two parts Cream Soda and 5 parts cane.
00:31
BFF stands for Best Friend Forever. She's mine boys, hands off.
Alex tells one of the girls that I am not actually straight. This seems to be the best that has happened to her all evening.
I reckon it is because she realises that she's not going to make a return on her investment even though for a few hours she was convinced she may have...
02:20
Dude back up...
It's Big Man on Campus.02:56
I don't know how to turn the camera around. Blame the Cane Trains.
3:40
We must love each other. I love you and them.
Put your arms around me baby...10:07
Fuck. Somehow I got home and I am in bed. How this happened is unclear.
13:08
I am eating grilled chicken because suddenly I am petrified that I am fat. This is an alarm.
I should go to the gym.
14:37
I am sitting in the harbour with Alex having a beer and a burger. This is because the previous emergency has subsided.
There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that I have bought my own packet of cigarettes and am smoking the Marlboro Lights that I have bought. To suggest anything otherwise would be a downlight bloody er.
15:19
Alex is doing er...
No-one is entirely sure but the weather is calm and I am not paying attention.17:20
I am walking along the beach and the sun is going down and all around is beautiful and, for some reason, it is quiet.
For the occasion I am listening to Citizen of the Planet by Alanis and it sounds eerily appropriate but the sand cannot squelch between by toes because I have shoes on.
I am thinking about things which include stuff, being back in London, sitting in Soho Square.
It is the first time too that I have thought him You Know Who. So just who is this - - - - - - - person that I am thinking about?
Once again it is time that has won through, as it has so often in the past. Seriously. Who is this person that I am thinking about?! I wonder what he's doing?
17:31
The sun dips below the winter clouds but it is not cold.
All that has gone before now doesn't matter...
19:38
I am at home and my mum is cooking dinner but there is navy (no gravy). Maybe things have progressed. Maybe it's just because we had it the other night.
20:31 (19:31 UK time)
Dinner is finished and we have had our wine which means my mother is feeling decidedly fragrant and is sitting at the piano in the music room.
I suggest that since we are fed and clothed, we should pay tribute and thanks to the country we are in.
21:02
Music time is over. It should have been over at least 37 minutes ago.
For my parents it is time to think about bedtime.
Elizabeth has cleared the diningtable, my dad has fallen asleep in front of the TV and
21:56
Screw that shit, it's time for bed too.
And so this was my first day as a 31 year old. I feel I need to make some claims about my mental state or overstate some sort of regret I haven't resolved but to be honest, there is none of that.
Is this because there is nothing to feel or because all that I am supposed to be feeling is being stored up, to hit me like a freight train of emotion in a few years' time!?
I don't know what's supposed to go here?
Monday, 8 June 2009
Monday, 08 June 09
09:13
Wake up and lie in bed and play with my iPhone and check e-mail and bla.
09:18
The cat jumps onto the bed, purring.
09:25
The cat jumps off the bed.
09:26
For fuck sakes. The cat has weed on the bed. This means that I now have to get out of bed.
11:25
Here's a picture of the skyline beyond the mountains because I know you want to see...
13:21
I am sitting at the piano trying to play Tori Amos by ear. I have been practising Mr Zebra. I may be ready to give you a concert tomorrow. Or on Wednesday.
14:27
I feel that another snooze may be required.
17:04
Screw being bored. I am going to the gym.
17:39
I am at the gym on the cross-cable-pull-down-thingy. I am using it for pecs but someone else wants to use it for legs so wants to move the handles on either side to the bottom.
17:43
That someone is called Riaan. He is at Stellenbosch University studying agriculture. We are sharing the machine. I am trying hard to stop myself from giggling.
He is at least 6-foot and a good old-fashioned, oats-fed Afrikaner boy who grew up playing rugby and shooting animals with a rifle. (My assumptions...)
I guesstimate he is 19 years old but with biceps as thick as my legs. The latter is fact.
17:51
If I could fold you up in my pocket, I would take you.
Gym at the Somerset West Virgin Active at around 5pm is like being plonked in a live version of the French rugby player calendar. The difference is that at the gym there are no cameras.
There is a soft porn gold dump ready to be mined here.
18:40
Driving home from gym I stop to take a picture of the sunset. Here it is...
This is the second time in an hour that I have raised my eyes to heaven and thanked god for the beauty of nature.
20:05
I am enjoying the vegetables and chicken breast my mother has cooked. She asks if I would like gravy on the meal and I say no thanks. I have also said no thanks to boiled potatoes too.
She takes this as some sort of coded insult.
"I don't know why you can't just eat like normal people" is how it begins. The start of a chorus my mother has chanted for as long as I can remember.
It has been a near record though.
She has managed to keep herself controlled for around four days, nine hours and 37 minutes but finally the floodgates burst open because she can't keep the bile in any longer.
20:14
Her rant is now nearing its conclusion.
What started with me saying no thanks to potato and gravy has ended with her crashing the dishes in the sink and slamming the kitchen cupboards.
It's the percussion accompaniment to "I don't know what we've done to deserve this. All we wanted was a normal son" etc.
That's what happens when you say no to the gravy!
20:15
Without wanting to labour the point too finely; to my parents "normal" means that by this stage I should be married to a woman with a child and another on the way.
This is what "normal" people do.
"Normal" people eat chicken with gravy because by 31, normal guys shouldn't care what they look like.
"Normal" people don't spend weekends at clubs in Green Point - a "notorious" part of Cape Town like Soho is "notorious" or the Castro district is "notorious".
"Normal" people deserve a "normal" son. Not some non-gravy eating weirdo whose circle of friends is made up mainly of guys who, when they call, have to go off to another part of the house to speak.
20:51
I am sitting in front of the TV and I haven't said anything in the last two hours which means my mother is as angry as she was when the flood gates burst.
"I don't know why we bothered..." she says to my father, slamming the kitchen cupboard.
21:02
I am on the phone to Alex. We have agreed that tomorrow we are going to drink vodka and Coke after Alex has finished his exam.
21:36
I am sitting in my old bedroom with the door shut, at my old desk listening to Radiohead's Reckoner. I am 31 years in less than 12 hours' time. This picture is pathetic.
22:39
My parents are now ignoring me because they've gone to bed and not said good-night.
Screw them.
22:41
I have pulled out the memory box.
Memory box includes old diaries, books, school uniforms and LPs I once bought as a kid. Such as...
Does anyone know, recognise or remember this?
23:11
Rummaging through other olden-crap, remembering when I was young and naive and perhaps even a little innocent.
Do you know? I like me now. I am the person who I wanted to be.
I like my friends. I like that I hang out in Soho or Green Point. I like that I am gay.
I like that I don't eat potatoes.
I like my life. I am happy with who I am.
I am proud and I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
No, I am not "normal". Fuck all the assumptions about what being normal means.
23:22
So tomorrow I turn 31.
And perhaps, inadvertently, I have learnt the best lesson possible.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Tomorrow your only son turns 31 years old and the funny thing is is that all your bullying, passive aggressive tactics no longer work.
Tonight all the bitterness that you feel came out and I stopped listening. You need to adjust your prejudices.
To be honest, I stopped listening years ago. Tonight, for about an hour you got to me.
But I was quickly reminded that what you think no longer matters to me. If you want someone normal who'll do what you say, listen intently and obey your orders then get a dog.
I don't want to sound ungrateful or spiteful but this is who I am. If you don't like it. Tough.
Bob
I just have to re-read this to myself the next time my mother starts slamming the cupboard doors and mourning the disappearance of her "normal" son.
23:35
The funny thing is, is that my parents have two dogs who they love and adore. One older and male, the other a younger female. Just like my sister and me.
Wake up and lie in bed and play with my iPhone and check e-mail and bla.
09:18
The cat jumps onto the bed, purring.
09:25
The cat jumps off the bed.
09:26
For fuck sakes. The cat has weed on the bed. This means that I now have to get out of bed.
11:25
Here's a picture of the skyline beyond the mountains because I know you want to see...
13:21
I am sitting at the piano trying to play Tori Amos by ear. I have been practising Mr Zebra. I may be ready to give you a concert tomorrow. Or on Wednesday.
14:27
I feel that another snooze may be required.
17:04
Screw being bored. I am going to the gym.
17:39
I am at the gym on the cross-cable-pull-down-thingy. I am using it for pecs but someone else wants to use it for legs so wants to move the handles on either side to the bottom.
17:43
That someone is called Riaan. He is at Stellenbosch University studying agriculture. We are sharing the machine. I am trying hard to stop myself from giggling.
He is at least 6-foot and a good old-fashioned, oats-fed Afrikaner boy who grew up playing rugby and shooting animals with a rifle. (My assumptions...)
I guesstimate he is 19 years old but with biceps as thick as my legs. The latter is fact.
17:51
If I could fold you up in my pocket, I would take you.
Gym at the Somerset West Virgin Active at around 5pm is like being plonked in a live version of the French rugby player calendar. The difference is that at the gym there are no cameras.
There is a soft porn gold dump ready to be mined here.
18:40
Driving home from gym I stop to take a picture of the sunset. Here it is...
This is the second time in an hour that I have raised my eyes to heaven and thanked god for the beauty of nature.20:05
I am enjoying the vegetables and chicken breast my mother has cooked. She asks if I would like gravy on the meal and I say no thanks. I have also said no thanks to boiled potatoes too.
She takes this as some sort of coded insult.
"I don't know why you can't just eat like normal people" is how it begins. The start of a chorus my mother has chanted for as long as I can remember.
It has been a near record though.
She has managed to keep herself controlled for around four days, nine hours and 37 minutes but finally the floodgates burst open because she can't keep the bile in any longer.
20:14
Her rant is now nearing its conclusion.
What started with me saying no thanks to potato and gravy has ended with her crashing the dishes in the sink and slamming the kitchen cupboards.
It's the percussion accompaniment to "I don't know what we've done to deserve this. All we wanted was a normal son" etc.
That's what happens when you say no to the gravy!
20:15
Without wanting to labour the point too finely; to my parents "normal" means that by this stage I should be married to a woman with a child and another on the way.
This is what "normal" people do.
"Normal" people eat chicken with gravy because by 31, normal guys shouldn't care what they look like.
"Normal" people don't spend weekends at clubs in Green Point - a "notorious" part of Cape Town like Soho is "notorious" or the Castro district is "notorious".
"Normal" people deserve a "normal" son. Not some non-gravy eating weirdo whose circle of friends is made up mainly of guys who, when they call, have to go off to another part of the house to speak.
20:51
I am sitting in front of the TV and I haven't said anything in the last two hours which means my mother is as angry as she was when the flood gates burst.
"I don't know why we bothered..." she says to my father, slamming the kitchen cupboard.
21:02
I am on the phone to Alex. We have agreed that tomorrow we are going to drink vodka and Coke after Alex has finished his exam.
21:36
I am sitting in my old bedroom with the door shut, at my old desk listening to Radiohead's Reckoner. I am 31 years in less than 12 hours' time. This picture is pathetic.
22:39
My parents are now ignoring me because they've gone to bed and not said good-night.
Screw them.
22:41
I have pulled out the memory box.
Memory box includes old diaries, books, school uniforms and LPs I once bought as a kid. Such as...
Does anyone know, recognise or remember this?23:11
Rummaging through other olden-crap, remembering when I was young and naive and perhaps even a little innocent.
Do you know? I like me now. I am the person who I wanted to be.
I like my friends. I like that I hang out in Soho or Green Point. I like that I am gay.
I like that I don't eat potatoes.
I like my life. I am happy with who I am.
I am proud and I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
No, I am not "normal". Fuck all the assumptions about what being normal means.
23:22
So tomorrow I turn 31.
And perhaps, inadvertently, I have learnt the best lesson possible.
Dear Mum and Dad,
Tomorrow your only son turns 31 years old and the funny thing is is that all your bullying, passive aggressive tactics no longer work.
Tonight all the bitterness that you feel came out and I stopped listening. You need to adjust your prejudices.
To be honest, I stopped listening years ago. Tonight, for about an hour you got to me.
But I was quickly reminded that what you think no longer matters to me. If you want someone normal who'll do what you say, listen intently and obey your orders then get a dog.
I don't want to sound ungrateful or spiteful but this is who I am. If you don't like it. Tough.
Bob
I just have to re-read this to myself the next time my mother starts slamming the cupboard doors and mourning the disappearance of her "normal" son.
23:35
The funny thing is, is that my parents have two dogs who they love and adore. One older and male, the other a younger female. Just like my sister and me.
Sunday, 7 June 2009
Sunday...
10:03
I wake up on a couch (fully clothed and relieved that they haven't come off at any point) and there is someone else passed out on another couch and there is someone or a couple (or they weren't a couple a few hours ago) in the spare room I think - and there's someone else on what appears to be a bed... and I want to leave this place now but I can't get out because the security door is locked so I have to forrage around for keys amongst the empty bottles, full ashtrays and abandoned sieves but can't find them so I have wake up the person who knows where the keys are and there are three people in that bed and clothes are everywhere and that's not really a sight I was planning to see and it takes ages to wake any of them up so I retreat and sit around for 9 seconds but then decide that I really do want to leave so return to that bedroom and shake one of them until they wake up and they find the keys.
10:17
The door is open, I am standing in the cold, crisp winter air in Cape Town. Although it's not that cold.
12:37
I am standing in my parent's kitchen where my mother is cooking chicken and my dad is reading the Sunday Times.
There are no naked three-in-a-bed romps. There is no loud house music. There is no very unattractive gogo boy on the bar in a red Speedo. There are no lesbians fighting in the road (seriously). There are no shots substituted with water. There are no boys who I have my arm around. There is no Alex. There is no drinking beer at 11am. There is man in a leather jacket who appears in the lounge at 5am. There is no talk of the guy who's only 19 but has an arse like the windsock at Heathrow. There is no drag queen hanging around the toilet. There is no guy who said that I look best with my shirt off (love you). There is no homeless person I can throw money at. There is no car guard trying to sell crystal meth. There is no underage kid who did jack-off porn. There is no Bronx Action Bar or Crew or Beaulah. There are no bitchy comments to the short guy. There are no drunk guys dancing to Beyonce.
All there is is the dog sitting patiently waiting for my mother to accidentally drop some of the chicken she's carving.
12:55
"So what did you do this weekend?"
"Oh, nothing much..."
I wake up on a couch (fully clothed and relieved that they haven't come off at any point) and there is someone else passed out on another couch and there is someone or a couple (or they weren't a couple a few hours ago) in the spare room I think - and there's someone else on what appears to be a bed... and I want to leave this place now but I can't get out because the security door is locked so I have to forrage around for keys amongst the empty bottles, full ashtrays and abandoned sieves but can't find them so I have wake up the person who knows where the keys are and there are three people in that bed and clothes are everywhere and that's not really a sight I was planning to see and it takes ages to wake any of them up so I retreat and sit around for 9 seconds but then decide that I really do want to leave so return to that bedroom and shake one of them until they wake up and they find the keys.
10:17
The door is open, I am standing in the cold, crisp winter air in Cape Town. Although it's not that cold.
12:37
I am standing in my parent's kitchen where my mother is cooking chicken and my dad is reading the Sunday Times.
There are no naked three-in-a-bed romps. There is no loud house music. There is no very unattractive gogo boy on the bar in a red Speedo. There are no lesbians fighting in the road (seriously). There are no shots substituted with water. There are no boys who I have my arm around. There is no Alex. There is no drinking beer at 11am. There is man in a leather jacket who appears in the lounge at 5am. There is no talk of the guy who's only 19 but has an arse like the windsock at Heathrow. There is no drag queen hanging around the toilet. There is no guy who said that I look best with my shirt off (love you). There is no homeless person I can throw money at. There is no car guard trying to sell crystal meth. There is no underage kid who did jack-off porn. There is no Bronx Action Bar or Crew or Beaulah. There are no bitchy comments to the short guy. There are no drunk guys dancing to Beyonce.
All there is is the dog sitting patiently waiting for my mother to accidentally drop some of the chicken she's carving.
12:55
"So what did you do this weekend?"
"Oh, nothing much..."
Saturday, 6 June 2009
Saturday blurry
??:??
???? ?????? ???? ? ??? ????????? ???????? ???? ????????? ? ???? ?????? ???? ? ??? ????????? ???????? ???? ?????
??:??
? ?? ??? ????????? ??? ? ? ?? ??????????????????????????????????
11:23
I am awake in a hotel room and there is brown stuff smeared all over my face, the bed and on the T-shirt I am wearing.
This is what happens when you fall into bed drunk and don't move the complimentary chocolates.
12:05
I am sitting at the Waterfront with Alex (who we all love and you should too) and we are drinking beer. Alex is the only person in the whole world who I can do this with.
(If you've been following my woeful tale for some time, Alex is The Boy On TheLeft Right.).
13:24
Alex and I are watching the Grand Prix qualifiers and I am eating a pizza and this is the most carbs I have had in about two months.
We are also drinking alcohol and this isn't good because less than twelve hours ago I was so drunk I could not stand up. But it is acceptable because we're on holiday and who cares? Nobody cares.
I certainly don't.
16:46
I think at this point I need a disco nap.
20:01
"Bobs you were very very drunk last night."
21:16
"Yeah, we met last night but you were very very drunk and probably don't remember."
22:36
Jo who is the very sexy lesbian bar lady (seriously, you would...) is pulling a blinder.
I have said to Jo "listen, if anyone wants to buy me a shot of alcohol, please put water in the glass and not tequila."
So far I have had three "shots" and I am still as sober as teetotal making their way through an airport in Saudi Arabia.
How much do we love Jo? We love her a lot.
23:01
Yes. Last night I was drunk. I had a party. People bought me alcohol. I licked some people's faces. It was revolting.
Sue me.
If one more person reminds me about it...
(Secretly I am loving it though)
23:17
I have a camera with me so that I can take photos and document the evening for your viewing pleasure and I have decided at this point to take a picture for you to savour and enjoy.
The rest of the evening will head in this direction although I have had another shot of water so perhaps it won't.
23:26
"Yes, you won't remember me from last night. I'm one of Nick's friends. We met but I think you were too drunk to realise. You licked my face."
Goddamit. This is the third fucking person who I don't remember meeting on Friday night.
23:47
There are lesbians fighting. It's fabulous.
???? ?????? ???? ? ??? ????????? ???????? ???? ????????? ? ???? ?????? ???? ? ??? ????????? ???????? ???? ?????
??:??
? ?? ??? ????????? ??? ? ? ?? ??????????????????????????????????
11:23
I am awake in a hotel room and there is brown stuff smeared all over my face, the bed and on the T-shirt I am wearing.
This is what happens when you fall into bed drunk and don't move the complimentary chocolates.
12:05
I am sitting at the Waterfront with Alex (who we all love and you should too) and we are drinking beer. Alex is the only person in the whole world who I can do this with.
(If you've been following my woeful tale for some time, Alex is The Boy On The
13:24
Alex and I are watching the Grand Prix qualifiers and I am eating a pizza and this is the most carbs I have had in about two months.
We are also drinking alcohol and this isn't good because less than twelve hours ago I was so drunk I could not stand up. But it is acceptable because we're on holiday and who cares? Nobody cares.
I certainly don't.
16:46
I think at this point I need a disco nap.
20:01
"Bobs you were very very drunk last night."
21:16
"Yeah, we met last night but you were very very drunk and probably don't remember."
22:36
Jo who is the very sexy lesbian bar lady (seriously, you would...) is pulling a blinder.
I have said to Jo "listen, if anyone wants to buy me a shot of alcohol, please put water in the glass and not tequila."
So far I have had three "shots" and I am still as sober as teetotal making their way through an airport in Saudi Arabia.
How much do we love Jo? We love her a lot.
23:01
Yes. Last night I was drunk. I had a party. People bought me alcohol. I licked some people's faces. It was revolting.
Sue me.
If one more person reminds me about it...
(Secretly I am loving it though)
23:17
I have a camera with me so that I can take photos and document the evening for your viewing pleasure and I have decided at this point to take a picture for you to savour and enjoy.
The rest of the evening will head in this direction although I have had another shot of water so perhaps it won't.23:26
"Yes, you won't remember me from last night. I'm one of Nick's friends. We met but I think you were too drunk to realise. You licked my face."
Goddamit. This is the third fucking person who I don't remember meeting on Friday night.
23:47
There are lesbians fighting. It's fabulous.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Thursday, 04 June 09
00:12
There is a Virgin Atlantic Airbus hurtling through the sky at around 800km/h somewhere over southern France and I am on it. Specifically in seat 19K.
Don't panic because from that seat, here's one I took earlier...
Yes, I always have on sunglasses, a red cap and Sennheiser headphones.
00:34
It's time...
Two Nytol tablets and two glasses of red wine.
07:01
Dong!
We awake and all the lights are on and breakfast has been served but I have been dribbling down the side of my Armani sweater with an empty glass of red wine in my hand.
Emma, the lovely lady in the red skirt from Virgin Atlantic is trying to prize the glass from my hand. The bitch.
07:05
And there's the captain talking about the weather and Emma who's now curtly telling people to "put their fucking* seats upright" and we're coming in to land and if you've never been to Johannesburg, this is what the city centre looks like from the air...
* = she doesn't use the word fucking.
09:17
We're running through Johannesburg International Airport to catch SAA flight 319 to Cape Town which leaves (takes off / voom voom into the sky) in 13 minutes.
No seriously, we're really running and I love a little chaos. It's feels a little like a film so I take every opportunity to make the scene as dramatic as possible.
Suitcases fly, I leap through the X-ray machine and the laptop flies out the bag and ohmygod, the newspapers I have fling themselves through the air and we tumble over the trolley and I am LOVING this.
09:24
What. the. fuck.
I get onto the plane and we're still waiting for some fuckwit. I bet they're not taking every opportunity to make their entrance as dramatic as possible.
09:26
Oh. It's some old woman in a wheelchair they're carting onboard.
11:16
We're circling False Bay, banking left over the Indian Ocean and heading on our final approach to Cape Town. Woop! Woop!
Look... even from the sky on a cloudy day, Cape Town is magnificent...
11:17
Come on, admit it, the sun peaking through the clouds and reflecting off the sea on a winter's day is breathtaking. Doesn't this picture take you there?!
12:56
Having a glass of champagne with my mother.
14:24
Afternoon nap time.
17:24
At the gym.
Ohmygod. I am at the gym and you have no idea... It is winter time in South Africa which means all the boys are in the throws of the rugby season and I have never, ever...
The gym is a sea of guys between the ages of 16 and 30 with necks has thick as their noses.
Boys who all have arms like thighs and legs that look like cannons.
It is the meatiest, nastiest most fabulous environment I have had the misfortune to train in.
Testosterone is literally sweating and sliding off the walls. And there's me on the running machine with Beyonce blaring.
17:39
I am trying to do some sit-ups but some guys nearby are eating the weights.
19:50
Back at home and having dinner and bla bla... It's so boring at my parents house that I decide to set fire to the dogs just for the fun of it.
21:56
Everyone's going to bed - even the cats have fucken turned in for the night - so I might as well too.
22:07
I am test-driving what to wear for tomorrow night. We're having a party for my birthday. Are you coming, did you get the invite?
We've had a little rumpus actually because I've invited Vasilis my Greek friend and Henry, also a friend, who used to work with Vasilis.
I didn't realise this but Vasilis and Henry now hate each other. Like serious hate, hate, hate...
So the following lines have been exchanged on the pubic (i.e. everyone can see) Facebook wall (the what?!)
"I can't believe you have invited Vasilis. He is a short little cunt. If I even fucking see him I will fucking puke all over him."
And the response is as strident... have you really read this far?
If you're in Cape Town and want to come... er [whoops! insert lesson here about not to put mobile numbers on the internet]
23:15
I really am going to bed.
There is a Virgin Atlantic Airbus hurtling through the sky at around 800km/h somewhere over southern France and I am on it. Specifically in seat 19K.
Don't panic because from that seat, here's one I took earlier...
Yes, I always have on sunglasses, a red cap and Sennheiser headphones.00:34
It's time...
Two Nytol tablets and two glasses of red wine.
07:01
Dong!
We awake and all the lights are on and breakfast has been served but I have been dribbling down the side of my Armani sweater with an empty glass of red wine in my hand.
Emma, the lovely lady in the red skirt from Virgin Atlantic is trying to prize the glass from my hand. The bitch.
07:05
And there's the captain talking about the weather and Emma who's now curtly telling people to "put their fucking* seats upright" and we're coming in to land and if you've never been to Johannesburg, this is what the city centre looks like from the air...
* = she doesn't use the word fucking.09:17
We're running through Johannesburg International Airport to catch SAA flight 319 to Cape Town which leaves (takes off / voom voom into the sky) in 13 minutes.
No seriously, we're really running and I love a little chaos. It's feels a little like a film so I take every opportunity to make the scene as dramatic as possible.
Suitcases fly, I leap through the X-ray machine and the laptop flies out the bag and ohmygod, the newspapers I have fling themselves through the air and we tumble over the trolley and I am LOVING this.
09:24
What. the. fuck.
I get onto the plane and we're still waiting for some fuckwit. I bet they're not taking every opportunity to make their entrance as dramatic as possible.
09:26
Oh. It's some old woman in a wheelchair they're carting onboard.
11:16
We're circling False Bay, banking left over the Indian Ocean and heading on our final approach to Cape Town. Woop! Woop!
Look... even from the sky on a cloudy day, Cape Town is magnificent...
11:17
Come on, admit it, the sun peaking through the clouds and reflecting off the sea on a winter's day is breathtaking. Doesn't this picture take you there?!
12:56
Having a glass of champagne with my mother.
14:24
Afternoon nap time.
17:24
At the gym.
Ohmygod. I am at the gym and you have no idea... It is winter time in South Africa which means all the boys are in the throws of the rugby season and I have never, ever...
The gym is a sea of guys between the ages of 16 and 30 with necks has thick as their noses.
Boys who all have arms like thighs and legs that look like cannons.
It is the meatiest, nastiest most fabulous environment I have had the misfortune to train in.
Testosterone is literally sweating and sliding off the walls. And there's me on the running machine with Beyonce blaring.
17:39
I am trying to do some sit-ups but some guys nearby are eating the weights.
19:50
Back at home and having dinner and bla bla... It's so boring at my parents house that I decide to set fire to the dogs just for the fun of it.
21:56
Everyone's going to bed - even the cats have fucken turned in for the night - so I might as well too.
22:07
I am test-driving what to wear for tomorrow night. We're having a party for my birthday. Are you coming, did you get the invite?
We've had a little rumpus actually because I've invited Vasilis my Greek friend and Henry, also a friend, who used to work with Vasilis.
I didn't realise this but Vasilis and Henry now hate each other. Like serious hate, hate, hate...
So the following lines have been exchanged on the pubic (i.e. everyone can see) Facebook wall (the what?!)
"I can't believe you have invited Vasilis. He is a short little cunt. If I even fucking see him I will fucking puke all over him."
And the response is as strident... have you really read this far?
If you're in Cape Town and want to come... er [whoops! insert lesson here about not to put mobile numbers on the internet]
23:15
I really am going to bed.
Tuesday, 2 June 2009
Tuesday packing day
09:12
So work is on the phone wanting to know what I feel like doing today and at first I tell them to go fuck themselves except I say "er, I'm kinda not really feeling like seeing any of you..."
But then I realise that maybe I should go into the office, if only for a laugh.
09:56
Look...
Eurostar are using homo-normative imagery to promote their services.
(Spotted at Bong Street Tube station.)
Of course using benders immediately seems to make Eurostar cosmopolitan, urbane and ohmygod. What's with those guys?!
If they wanna use homos in their marketing I really think they need to have a sit-down reality check.
Snuggly shit like that doesn't sell. This shit would though...
10:18
This is the office and this is where I work. I start an argument with a colleague about something and I think they accuse me of being rude but I don't really remember. Who cares.
I could do with a trip to Paris.
13:14
Everyone is thinking it but no-one wants to mention it...
Tomorrow I have to get on an Airbus plane and fly long haul and on airline that has the word Atlantic as part of its name.
I am online checking the stats and judging my chances.
The aircraft I will be flying enroute to Johannesburg on Wednesday is an Airbus A340-600.
We find a sample of this particular machine and it resembles thus..
Wikipedia is gracious enough to supply us with the following details:
0: Number of these machines that have crashed
2: Number of these machines that have skidded off the runway
1: Runway at Johannesburg International that is one of the longest in the world
I am vaguely reassured by these stats but still panic that the only tranquilisers I have are Nytol.
14:17
Remind myself that I really should not arrive late at an important meeting when wearing a black T-shirt on which says, in luminous yellow letters, "I Drink At Work."
15:46
In Westfield. It's a shopping centre and it's big.
16:09
Ping! An e-mail arrives.
I wrote to Virgin Atlantic telling them that I was a bastard loyal customer and that I didn't have to fly to Joburg but only did it out of loyalty and that they should repay the compliment (i.e. give me fucking airmiles as a thank you).
Some bitch* writes back something like "unfortunately we can't just hand out miles but thank you for your custom" bla bla. I read this as: "get stuffed".
Is there anyone reading this who works for Virgin Atlantic?
I could have flown BA direct to Cape Town but instead stuck with Virgin Atlantic out of loyalty. Screw you for not saying thank you. I want miles or an upgrade please. You're an airline, not some bastard charity.
Please e-mail me if you work for the airline: foxycoxy AT me.com so I can't give you my details. (Please note how I'm being so pushy.)
And if you don't e-mail I am going to tell on you to Richard Branstone Pickles.
* = she's only a bitch because she declared "access denied" to me.
19:21
All I will say on the matter is that Will.i.am and I now share weights. And to help me, he touches me. That is all I will say on this issue.
20:01
Back from the gym and I have the washing machine on and I am laying clothes out on the bed and - has anybody read this far?
Bitches, I love you like I love it when the cat starts to convulse and make that whooping sound just before it pukes... so do you mind if I fuck off and go and pack while you talk amongst yourselves?
It's just I have a lot to do and not much time to do it in.
21:16
Thank fucking bingo. I have finished that job application I was supposed to have done a week ago.
21:41
Wondering if I've left it too late to send an e-mail to a friend who had a baby prematurely a week ago.
What does one say?
"Happy baby stuff... sorry have had a sore tooth and couldn't write back to you last Tuesday. Hope you're okay. I'm off on holiday so er...
Tell your husband (Keith? - who can remember...) that I hope he and you are doing well and that the baby is also fine.
You never told me if it was a boy or a girl. Seeya."
I think that will suffice.
22:19
I'm feeling that today my inner being has been very negative. Have you picked up on these vibrations or maybe the tone in which I've said things to you?
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I am going to go to bed and think happy thoughts but not before I've done some more packing.
No seriously. Is there anyone actually reading this? I'm feeling all insecure. That fucking plane better not bloody crash because I will be livid.
(And spread over 4 square kilometers of Africa's most picturesque landscape)...
So work is on the phone wanting to know what I feel like doing today and at first I tell them to go fuck themselves except I say "er, I'm kinda not really feeling like seeing any of you..."
But then I realise that maybe I should go into the office, if only for a laugh.
09:56
Look...
Eurostar are using homo-normative imagery to promote their services.(Spotted at Bong Street Tube station.)
Of course using benders immediately seems to make Eurostar cosmopolitan, urbane and ohmygod. What's with those guys?!
If they wanna use homos in their marketing I really think they need to have a sit-down reality check.
Snuggly shit like that doesn't sell. This shit would though...
10:18
This is the office and this is where I work. I start an argument with a colleague about something and I think they accuse me of being rude but I don't really remember. Who cares.
I could do with a trip to Paris.
13:14
Everyone is thinking it but no-one wants to mention it...
Tomorrow I have to get on an Airbus plane and fly long haul and on airline that has the word Atlantic as part of its name.
I am online checking the stats and judging my chances.
The aircraft I will be flying enroute to Johannesburg on Wednesday is an Airbus A340-600.
We find a sample of this particular machine and it resembles thus..
Wikipedia is gracious enough to supply us with the following details:0: Number of these machines that have crashed
2: Number of these machines that have skidded off the runway
1: Runway at Johannesburg International that is one of the longest in the world
I am vaguely reassured by these stats but still panic that the only tranquilisers I have are Nytol.
14:17
Remind myself that I really should not arrive late at an important meeting when wearing a black T-shirt on which says, in luminous yellow letters, "I Drink At Work."
15:46
In Westfield. It's a shopping centre and it's big.
16:09
Ping! An e-mail arrives.
I wrote to Virgin Atlantic telling them that I was a bastard loyal customer and that I didn't have to fly to Joburg but only did it out of loyalty and that they should repay the compliment (i.e. give me fucking airmiles as a thank you).
Some bitch* writes back something like "unfortunately we can't just hand out miles but thank you for your custom" bla bla. I read this as: "get stuffed".
Is there anyone reading this who works for Virgin Atlantic?
I could have flown BA direct to Cape Town but instead stuck with Virgin Atlantic out of loyalty. Screw you for not saying thank you. I want miles or an upgrade please. You're an airline, not some bastard charity.
Please e-mail me if you work for the airline: foxycoxy AT me.com so I can't give you my details. (Please note how I'm being so pushy.)
And if you don't e-mail I am going to tell on you to Richard Branstone Pickles.
* = she's only a bitch because she declared "access denied" to me.
19:21
All I will say on the matter is that Will.i.am and I now share weights. And to help me, he touches me. That is all I will say on this issue.
20:01
Back from the gym and I have the washing machine on and I am laying clothes out on the bed and - has anybody read this far?
Bitches, I love you like I love it when the cat starts to convulse and make that whooping sound just before it pukes... so do you mind if I fuck off and go and pack while you talk amongst yourselves?
It's just I have a lot to do and not much time to do it in.
21:16
Thank fucking bingo. I have finished that job application I was supposed to have done a week ago.
21:41
Wondering if I've left it too late to send an e-mail to a friend who had a baby prematurely a week ago.
What does one say?
"Happy baby stuff... sorry have had a sore tooth and couldn't write back to you last Tuesday. Hope you're okay. I'm off on holiday so er...
Tell your husband (Keith? - who can remember...) that I hope he and you are doing well and that the baby is also fine.
You never told me if it was a boy or a girl. Seeya."
I think that will suffice.
22:19
I'm feeling that today my inner being has been very negative. Have you picked up on these vibrations or maybe the tone in which I've said things to you?
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I am going to go to bed and think happy thoughts but not before I've done some more packing.
No seriously. Is there anyone actually reading this? I'm feeling all insecure. That fucking plane better not bloody crash because I will be livid.
(And spread over 4 square kilometers of Africa's most picturesque landscape)...
Monday, 1 June 2009
Monday, 01 June 09
09:02
I wake up and it is such a beautiful day so I decide that on this day I am going to do as little as possible which means work simply cannot happen. So I tell work to shove it.
09:04
I realise that I am naked from the waist down and that my clothes are strewn all over the bedroom floor. I didn't realise I came in so late?!
09:41
I am drinking a lot of Evian water. I am so light on gas nowadays that a glass of wine induces a hangover. In the old days I would neck a glass of wine in between the swigs of Jack Daniels.
Old age can really blunt one.
10:21
I have carted the laundry basket to the kitchen where I will attempt the task of putting the clothes in the machine and turning it on.
I have downloaded Groove Armada's song "At the River" to accompany me for this task but listening to it has me confused.
About 32 seconds into the tune there are some lilting sampled electronic sounds. I am convinced that these sounds are sampled from the soundtrack to Cannibal Holocaust.
Cannibal Holocaust is that horrific film where people have sex in front of children and some other people chop off a turtle's head. Not quite chill-out choonz really.
I search the internet and can't find any definitive answer to this. Thus I have been side-tracked from doing the washing.
10:27
Of my three piles; colours, blacks and whites, the whites are now immersed in water and going around in circles inside the Bosch's tummy.
11:07
There is loud talking down the road, so loud that I can hear it over Groove Amanda. What the hell is going on?
11:08
At the window I realise I need my camera...
Why is there a pack of extremely fit guys hanging around outside.
Don't they have work? Have they just got in from Fire?
And hello! to the one in beige yawning. I don't know what is make of what is happening outside so I pull myself from the window and weep a little weep inside that I am not in their cool We're So Fucking Hot group.
12:21
At the gym where I am doing a full-body thrash and Chris is there helping someone else achieve their dream of the body beautiful.
Chris and the Person Who He's Helping seem to be having a very subdued session. This intrigues me.
13:56
Chris comes to ask how I'm getting on. I tell him good.
"But listen, you and that guy earlier - you were treating him like a kid. Howcome it's "Destroy Bob" when I have a session with you which hurts for days but with other people it's all genteel and calm."
"That's because you swear, spit and call me a cunt while panting and trying to lift the weights."
I tell Chris that that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me and I think I mean it.
14:01
We learn that Will.i.am is sick. My heart breaks a little because I want to make him chicken soup.
15:39
In Sainsbury's shopping.
17:22
Why has the police helicopter been circling our neighborhood for the last 30 minutes?
This immediately makes me feel like Ray Liotta playing Harry Hill in Goodfellas, where he starts to get paranoid (from too muck cocaine) that he's being followed when in fact, he really is being followed.
20:16
I am with er - someone who doesn't have a name. Let's call him Paul. I don't think there's anyone called Paul around here.
Anyway, I have known Paul for years and years. This is an extremely useful thing because Paul lives about 5 minutes' walk down the road.
Paul is my age and works in the theatre. The ridiculous / small-town / London-and-her-gays-live-in-a-fucking-village thing is that you probably know Paul too.
Anyway. We meet once in a while to discuss the ongoing diplomatic crisis in Uganda. Sometime this issue needs to be discussed and it's always pleasure when Paul and I can meet up to hold discussions.
20:31
Discussions are taking place and the phone rings.
Not only does Paul stop to answer it but then proceeds to have a conversation with the person on the other end. And that person turns out to be his fucking mother!
"No Mum, got a friend here so let's talk quickly..."
What. the. fuck?!
20:34
I tell Paul it's going to be very difficult to try and re-start our discussions and so I leave.
21:02
A text arrives.
"Soz for that. First time I've spoken to mum in days. As you probably heard I've been away. Please keep in touch so we can meet again soon."
Er. I hate people who use the term soz.
I also, from recent experience, have come to distrust anyone who uses the phrase "let's keep in touch". When a gay says it, it seems to mean the exact opposite.
21:56
So.
The suitcase has come out. In 48 hours I will be in the sky, bound for Johannesburg.
A time later I will be on another plane bound for Cape Town.
I did tell you about my party didn't I? You are coming, aren't you? There will be loads of hot boys from Cape Town for your pleasure.
The packing starts.
22:40
I am listening to the XXL Bear Pride 7 CD that I was given at a BBQ yesterday. In particular I am listening to my tune of the moment...
This song* reminds me of yesterday afternoon, we were sat on a terrace in a house in Maida Vale.
Since I don't really care to use a camera at these events, I can happily rip them off a friend's Facebook page...
In this first picture we see Bobby and someone else standing in the corner in the kitchen. No one can really tell what was going on in this picture...
Though I would like to point your attention to the limited edition Marc Jacobs signature T-shirt, a blend of the gay and union flags, as worn by Bobby in the corner. Thank you.
One of the boys at this gathering is a sportsman who is very good at swimming. He is about 6'4 and blonde. We will call him Jonathan.
Dressed in black he has Good Arms.
Jonathan and I are talking and we agree that, of all the people at this gathering, we would most like to take each other's clothes off.
And the T-shirt I was wearing wasn't even a tight one. Cowabunga.
* = The song is called The Sound of Disco and I dunno who it's by because every search gives me a different answer. The original bass comes from Sandy B - Make the World Go Around.
23:01
I'm going to bed.
In total, today has been a Good Day. Though I still cannot believe that Paul not only answered the phone but then proceeded to have a conversation with his mother.
That's a first.
Oh yeah, and earlier on I referred to them as Groove Amanda instead of Armada. That was a joke. Did you get it?
I wake up and it is such a beautiful day so I decide that on this day I am going to do as little as possible which means work simply cannot happen. So I tell work to shove it.
09:04
I realise that I am naked from the waist down and that my clothes are strewn all over the bedroom floor. I didn't realise I came in so late?!
09:41
I am drinking a lot of Evian water. I am so light on gas nowadays that a glass of wine induces a hangover. In the old days I would neck a glass of wine in between the swigs of Jack Daniels.
Old age can really blunt one.
10:21
I have carted the laundry basket to the kitchen where I will attempt the task of putting the clothes in the machine and turning it on.
I have downloaded Groove Armada's song "At the River" to accompany me for this task but listening to it has me confused.
About 32 seconds into the tune there are some lilting sampled electronic sounds. I am convinced that these sounds are sampled from the soundtrack to Cannibal Holocaust.
Cannibal Holocaust is that horrific film where people have sex in front of children and some other people chop off a turtle's head. Not quite chill-out choonz really.
I search the internet and can't find any definitive answer to this. Thus I have been side-tracked from doing the washing.
10:27
Of my three piles; colours, blacks and whites, the whites are now immersed in water and going around in circles inside the Bosch's tummy.
11:07
There is loud talking down the road, so loud that I can hear it over Groove Amanda. What the hell is going on?
11:08
At the window I realise I need my camera...
Why is there a pack of extremely fit guys hanging around outside.Don't they have work? Have they just got in from Fire?
And hello! to the one in beige yawning. I don't know what is make of what is happening outside so I pull myself from the window and weep a little weep inside that I am not in their cool We're So Fucking Hot group.
12:21
At the gym where I am doing a full-body thrash and Chris is there helping someone else achieve their dream of the body beautiful.
Chris and the Person Who He's Helping seem to be having a very subdued session. This intrigues me.
13:56
Chris comes to ask how I'm getting on. I tell him good.
"But listen, you and that guy earlier - you were treating him like a kid. Howcome it's "Destroy Bob" when I have a session with you which hurts for days but with other people it's all genteel and calm."
"That's because you swear, spit and call me a cunt while panting and trying to lift the weights."
I tell Chris that that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me and I think I mean it.
14:01
We learn that Will.i.am is sick. My heart breaks a little because I want to make him chicken soup.
15:39
In Sainsbury's shopping.
17:22
Why has the police helicopter been circling our neighborhood for the last 30 minutes?
This immediately makes me feel like Ray Liotta playing Harry Hill in Goodfellas, where he starts to get paranoid (from too muck cocaine) that he's being followed when in fact, he really is being followed.20:16
I am with er - someone who doesn't have a name. Let's call him Paul. I don't think there's anyone called Paul around here.
Anyway, I have known Paul for years and years. This is an extremely useful thing because Paul lives about 5 minutes' walk down the road.
Paul is my age and works in the theatre. The ridiculous / small-town / London-and-her-gays-live-in-a-fucking-village thing is that you probably know Paul too.
Anyway. We meet once in a while to discuss the ongoing diplomatic crisis in Uganda. Sometime this issue needs to be discussed and it's always pleasure when Paul and I can meet up to hold discussions.
20:31
Discussions are taking place and the phone rings.
Not only does Paul stop to answer it but then proceeds to have a conversation with the person on the other end. And that person turns out to be his fucking mother!
"No Mum, got a friend here so let's talk quickly..."
What. the. fuck?!
20:34
I tell Paul it's going to be very difficult to try and re-start our discussions and so I leave.
21:02
A text arrives.
"Soz for that. First time I've spoken to mum in days. As you probably heard I've been away. Please keep in touch so we can meet again soon."
Er. I hate people who use the term soz.
I also, from recent experience, have come to distrust anyone who uses the phrase "let's keep in touch". When a gay says it, it seems to mean the exact opposite.
21:56
So.
The suitcase has come out. In 48 hours I will be in the sky, bound for Johannesburg.A time later I will be on another plane bound for Cape Town.
I did tell you about my party didn't I? You are coming, aren't you? There will be loads of hot boys from Cape Town for your pleasure.
The packing starts.
22:40
I am listening to the XXL Bear Pride 7 CD that I was given at a BBQ yesterday. In particular I am listening to my tune of the moment...
This song* reminds me of yesterday afternoon, we were sat on a terrace in a house in Maida Vale.
Since I don't really care to use a camera at these events, I can happily rip them off a friend's Facebook page...
In this first picture we see Bobby and someone else standing in the corner in the kitchen. No one can really tell what was going on in this picture...
Though I would like to point your attention to the limited edition Marc Jacobs signature T-shirt, a blend of the gay and union flags, as worn by Bobby in the corner. Thank you.
One of the boys at this gathering is a sportsman who is very good at swimming. He is about 6'4 and blonde. We will call him Jonathan.Dressed in black he has Good Arms.
Jonathan and I are talking and we agree that, of all the people at this gathering, we would most like to take each other's clothes off.And the T-shirt I was wearing wasn't even a tight one. Cowabunga.
* = The song is called The Sound of Disco and I dunno who it's by because every search gives me a different answer. The original bass comes from Sandy B - Make the World Go Around.
23:01
I'm going to bed.
In total, today has been a Good Day. Though I still cannot believe that Paul not only answered the phone but then proceeded to have a conversation with his mother.
That's a first.
Oh yeah, and earlier on I referred to them as Groove Amanda instead of Armada. That was a joke. Did you get it?
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