Wednesday, 2 July 2008

A nice big line

Lady and Gentlemen, it doesn't get much more interesting than this...

I present (part of) my journey to work a.k.a. The Central Line experience.

Most days of the week I do this journey, sometimes twice a day. At the weekend there is the salvation of a car or cab.

This morning I was travelling down the escalator and munching some M&S cashew nuts when the idea dawned on me. I think I was (discreetly) picking my nose at the time.

So this is where the journey towards the office really begins - at Bond Street Tube Station having just been spat out here by the Jubilee Line.

In very simple maths, I change at Bond Street tube station twice a day, around five days a week. I have done this for four years. So please can someone work out how many times I have changed trains at the station. My maths is crap.

Then...
Marble Arch roundel

Madonna lives near this Tube station, as does Tony Blair. It's also really close to a sauna which is about the size of a postage stamp.
I remember going when I first got to London, there were about three guys there and their mean age must have been 75. I think it was the first time I've ever been to a gay sauna and asked for my money back - I mean, if you don't get any interactions, surely you deserve your cash returned? The bastards never refunded me.

Then...
Lancaster Gate roundel

I don't think I've ever actually got off at the Tube station. Is there anything interesting about it?
Yeah, don't think that poster's anything sexy. It's highlighting how gay men are at risk from having cocks that drip green stuff, or something. Sorry if you're eating. It would appear if you have a hot body the risk increases?! Or something.

Then...
Queensway roundel

For about 18 months, this is all you'd hear when travelling on the Central Line; "Queensway station is closed. This train will not stop at the next station."
This station has a lift and at the top of the lift there are a lot of Lebanese people who drive cars with shiny wheels. There are also two great restaurants at the top, one and Indian and the other Greek.
In the Indian restaurant my sister once said to my parents; "you do know Bobby's gay..."
My parents, "um... if Bobby's got something to say let him say it." I just said, "well I take it you lot aren't idiots..."

Then...
Notting Hill Gate

Notting Hill Gate. I don't like Notting Hill. It's all boho and intellekshil-type people. There's nothing more to say about this station. The people who get off here are generally women with red hair and rings through their noses.

Then...
Holland Park roundel

"So where is this, Shepherd's Bush?"
"No, Holland Park! Holland Park!"
I'll give a massage to anyone who can guess where those lines come from? Poor Holland Park tube station seems like it's suffering a sense of humour failure. Elton John lives in Holland Park and some other famous and rich people, funnily enough.

Then...
Shepherd's Bush

Shepherd's Bush station is shut so this is what it looks like as you whizz through. Shepherd's Bush is a bit grotty so you have to spruce it up by calling it Chez Beaux (Shay Bo). Loads of South Africans live in Chez Beaux. On the green outside there's a bar that used to be a public toilet, I once grabbed a girl's tits in there. I've also vomited outside the Walkabout nearby. When in Chez Beaux I don't know why it's customary to be drunk but it is.

Then...
White City roundel

The final stop; White City. Or Quite Shitty. Or Big Titties.
I don't know what comes after White City. Ealing Broadway's along there somewhere.
This is where I get off every day, my iPod blasting. I traipse up the stairs, through the various building sites and find myself at work. From my desk you can see the trains coming into and leaving, so the next time you visit the station, wave and I'll wave back.

And that's how Bobby makes his way to and from the office. Go and look it up on a map, I think I've got all the stations in the right order.

So how exciting was all of that?! Tomorrow let's do something very boring. Maybe I'll get my knob out or something.

12 comments:

Bobby in Texas said...

"So where is this, Shepherd's Bush?"
"No, Holland Park! Holland Park!"

Ab Fab of course! The episode when Edie goes to the hospital for a needle in her toe and Patsy has the affair with an MP

Timmy said...

how much time does it take to get to work on the Tube?

Oliver said...

I could be very wrong, but I'm guess the quote comes from Ab Fab?

I can imagine Edina saying it all out of breath in my mind, running into the room with a bottle of champagne in one of the later seasons.

And the maths adds up to 520 without holidays. Nothing sexier than the multiplication tables.

Monty said...

Yes please!!!!! ;-)

Ja said...

It's from my favorite AbFab episode where Patsy is in the tabloids and does Hello and Edina goes to hospital!!!

Gemini's Life said...

What, pray tell is wrong with women with red hair?

dickophile said...

i was totally on board with lancaster gate until the part about the green stuff. yuck.

i think i like your sister.

i'd like to point out that if you say you're gonna pull your knob out, and then don't you'll forever be known as a cock tease. and you wouldn't want that now would you?

Anonymous said...

Being a/an ______ (fill in your favorite adjective) American, living on the west coast (where mass transit SUCKS!), I have always been impressed with the subway systems of NYC and Europe. Of course I’ve always been on vacation while using them, so I’m not in a hurry to get anywhere.

Reading your post made me think about using/relying on mass transit every day. Kinda lost the “romance” factor.

I am soooo blessed that I have a job that allows me to drive to work just 2 times a week….5am, no one on the road, music blaring (no strangers sitting next to me or worse yet, touching me).
Ok, I did have a motorcycle cop pull up next to me last week and tell me to slow down. He must have been a good mood (maybe a little something, something before work) because he did not pull me over. Yay!

Signed, Lady???
“Shirley” (what movie?) I’m not the only one

Bobby Cox said...

Bobby in Texas: Yey! yey! You win the free massage though logistically know don't know how this is going to be possible. If you're ever in London...

Timmy: Seriously - about 3 hours. Because this happens. I leave home in the morning, I go to gym After gym I mosey into the shops for a bit and then buy some food for later in the day and slowly make my way to work. It should only take about 40 minutes though.

Oliver! Oliver!: Yeah, you can have a massage too. Your maths ability is pretty sexy too... ha!

Monty: Yes please what?!

Ja: Yey! You get a massage too. I am glad you also won this competition. Send me dates and times, I'll book the flights. Yeah?

Gemini: Whoops! I mean red as in dyed red - with green stripes. Red as in, dyed like the colour of a postbox. I don't mean ginger. It was to be either red with funny stripes of a bad peroxide job.

Dick: I am not a cocktease so I am going to have to work a way around this actually. Lemme think...

Lady: yey! I love it when the cops are nice. And nice too.
Yeah - I have to say that when it comes to roads London has very LA feel about it. I know people are going to dismiss this but in London to get anywhere, you have to get onto a busy highway which is usually bumper to bumper with traffic. The small roads aren't so bad.
And of course it has to be said.
People in London are just like people in LA; they don't merge when getting onto the freeway!

London Preppy said...

I liked this post. Maybe I'll copy it some day. In the meantime, may I just express my complete disdain at people who change at Bond Street. Every morning, traveling down the Central Line for 5 stops and that's it, Bond Street is the one stop where it's guaranteed that the train will fill up. It's like nobody ever lives anywhere else apart from on the bleeding Jubilee Line. They walk in MY carriage to carry on their extended journey and they take up MY space. At least i have the decency to live on the same line as I work.

You're excluded from this, at least you go the other way. You are like the anti-commuter

Bobby Cox said...

London P: I have news. Good news from Notting Hill. The consignment of white gold for Mr Anderson has arrived.

Howcome you never hear that when the train pulls into Notting Hill Gate?!
Innit.

Sh@ney said...

LOL I travel past 20 train stations every day I work. There is nothing exceptional about them, no one famous lives nearby. It is the most boring 47 minute trip I have to do twice a day.

I could take photo's but I would either get mugged or arrested. LOL