You may have heard about biltong. It's dried up old meat cured with spices and then eaten. It's as South African as sauerkraut is German.
Gay men can be biltong too. You know the type; tanorexic, out of proportion (i.e. all chest and no legs) and a barbed wire armband tattoo. That perfectly describes the kind of guy circling Hot Josh this morning at the gym.
Simply put, Hot Josh is "Mary Poppins" a.k.a. practically perfect in every way.
Hot Josh, who I've never seen before, is in his 20s. He's wearing Nike tracksuit pants, Adidas trainers and a well-fitted T-shirt. It's clear Hot Josh has a great body and is also particularly square-jawed with good hair.
I am doing chest, Hot Josh is three benches away doing tricep dips while Biltong is circling like a vulture. Watching Biltong is far more amusing than me being attracted to Hot Josh.
Biltong is shameless. He asks Hot Josh to spot for him. He asks Hot Josh about his training regime. He tries to make a joke with Hot Josh so that he can jokingly pat Hot Josh on the back.
Everytime Biltong starts talking to Hot Josh I have to turn off my iPod to try and listen to what they're talking about. Biltong is doing all the talking. Having to stop and start the iPod to listen to the one-sided conversation is getting a little annoying.
About 10 minutes later I'm at the pulldown machine where you do lats. Next thing, I notice Hot Josh behind me leaning on the leg machine.
"Do you mind if we share?"
To myself: "Holy fuck, holy fuck ... Hot Josh talked to me ohmygod - he is fucking hot. I love him. Should I tell him that? Will he design our wedding invitations or shall I?"
What comes out of my mouth: "sure".
So Hot Josh and I are using the pulldown machine, he's using it for triceps and I'm taking it in turns to do lats. I have the iPod turned up as loudly as possible, it's the Freemasons.
"Baby, when you touch me on my body I lose every feeling that I used to know.
And baby when you touch me on my body I'm losing my mind, here I go!"
The only interaction between Hot Josh and I is a "cheers" when either one of us finished a set.
The next thing Biltong appears!
He sees Hot Josh and I sharing the equipment. I ignore Biltong but inside and I have my tongue out and my hands waving on either side of my head. "Nah nah nah ne nah nah!"
Biltong hangs around near us at the pec machine for no reason whatsoever. Hot Josh doesn't even look at him.
I want to walk up to Biltong and pat him on the back. "Dear, you're wasting your time. Hot Josh and I are together now. I can feel the heat from his hands on the machine. Give up, go home."
It seems I have psychically communicated this to Biltong because after a while he leaves, crestfallen.
"Akhg sdkjh k sadkjllkjh adsf lkjasdflkasdfl lkasjdh"
Me realising Hot Josh just said something to me, taking off my headphones; "sorry I didn't hear you."
Hot Josh, "that guy has been hanging around all morning."
"You should tell him to fuck off." Hot Josh laughs. I tell him about biltong. He laughs at that too.
"It's usually nice and quiet in the mornings."
"Yeah, I've never been here at this time but I have the day off college."
"Great day to have off, it's going to be really hot. I have to go to fucking work so..."
Hot Josh and I talk. I am smiling. He is smiling. He laughs. I joke. Not much exercising gets done.
Ten minutes later I am walking back into the changeroom where I see Biltong getting dressed having showered. I am tempted but don't anything.
Intead I turn up the Freemasons loudly.
Oh, by the way, his name isn't really Hot Josh, it's Dan. Maybe there'll be a part two to this story pretty soon. Who knows...