Saturday, 18 October 2008

Cranial urge

Now that we're all suitably freaked out by that drunk weirdo in the green video and can all move on. I don't know who that was but his eyes looked odd.


I want to introduce you to someone's hair. He is a guy at the gym who has one of the the most spectacular barnets I have ever seen.

I have devised some drawings to help you understand just how complex the design of this hairstyle is.

First though, here are the facts.

1/ I reckon this man is between 26 to 30 years old.
2/ He has very dark olive skin and near-black and slightly wavy hair - ethnically I would say he's Indian.
3/ As happens with so many men, he is unfortunately losing his hair but has decided to make the best of a bad situation.
4/ He's on the podgy side too and rather irritatingly will stand over you at the gym while you're busy with something. He asks if you're busy, you say 'let's share', he'll lift the weight once and then move on. Irritating.

Anyway, back to the hair.

This man with the hair - let's call him Donald - is obviously having problems coping with the fact that his hair is falling out so he's decided to embrace the issue. By pretending it isn't.

And it seems that it's not just Donald who's deluded. Donald's hairdresser must also shoulder some of the blame too, for aiding and abetting this bizarre cranial construction.

I reckon one day Donald was paging through a Men's Vogue or a copy of Arena Homme Dior Plus Divide and saw a picture of David Beckham. Donald liked the way David's hair looked...

...and Donald said to himself; "I'm gonna get me a hairstyle like that too!"

Unfortunately Donald is really thin on the top but here's what he's done.

See Exhibit 1 (best picture I could find to illustrate this):

Donald has decided to grow the hair on both sides of his head and around the back.

Then, in a feat of engineering that would make designers of the Hadron Collider blush, Donald brushes all the hair up and towards the centre of his head and styles it into a faux-hawk. It looks something like this. Exhibit 2:

It is the most bizarre thing you've ever seen. From the back it's all combed forward, from the side it looks like buttresses on a cathedral, brushed upwards to hold up the mohawk along the top.

But he combs it up and forward to try and give himself a hairline too.

The problem is, when he stands under a light, you can see he's nearly bald underneath the Mother of All Comb-overs. It's not just one comb-over. It's two on each side that meet in the centre.

It is the Machu Picu of hairstyles - I can describe to you what it looks like, but until you see it up close, you can't truly appreciate how spectacular it really is.

I guess that's why he doesn't really do anything in the gym, because he's so worried about it collapsing.

Also, sweat doesn't go well with hairspray and there must be gallons pumped into making it stand up.

It looks like an extremely intricate but spectacular ethno Alessi salad bowl turned upside down. Or one of those wispy caramelised honey creations that posh chefs plonk on top of a bowl of ice-cream to make it look good.

I wanna give him a nookie so badly. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to control myself.


Anonymous said...

Just empty a bottle of water over his head, then point and laugh.

Bobby Cox said...

Oliver: Yes, that's the best idea eva actually. There are various levels in our gym and while he's below, wondering about his thatch, I could accidently go "whoops!" sorry - wasn't expecting my bottle to tumble.
Only problem is that the carpet and equipment would all end up stinking of vodka.
Hmmm... maybe for one day, I will take my gym drink unmixed...

Vegas Burning said...

He's stuck in hair loss stage one: denial. I feel his pain. I want hair like Becks too, but there's no point pruning a dead tree.

Get his name and number. I'll be his sponsor.

czechOUT said...

I am going to get one...

Not a cut like that. No, the new MacBook.

But, can I wait until December when I'm next at the airport and save £180, or do I just say f*ck that and get it now. 2.4gHz and 250G HD.



Bobby Cox said...

Vegas baby: The dead tree analogy is a good one. But you're still able to style the branches on a dead tree even if there's no chance of them growing anymore.
I think that's the thinking on this occasion...

Czech: Please DO NOT slip an extra one in your trolley for me. I simply WILL NOT accept it and force you take it back. Not ever.
(PS. i love them)...
Don't wait til December - as Cher says; do whatever you can, now x x

chabang said...

i've been in that position - it's stage one in the "Bobby Charlton defesive hair cuts" guidebook.

I'm still not quite zen enough to accept it and go for the richard o'brien look though so i too will be investing in copious ammounts of spray on hair -