Sunday, 26 October 2008

Lessons from the Scriptures

I found myself at Waterloo Station which isn't really a place you'd want to be at any time of the day.

But it wasn't the thousands of people scurrying around the terminal like frightened mice that alarmed me, instead it was a few words printed on a temporary wall near the old Eurostar terminal.

That part of the station is all boarded up because Eurostar has transferred to that other huge railway shed in North London.

On these screens they have printed various whimsical facts about Eurostar's years spent to-ing and fro-ing from Waterloo.

The facts include things like; "3,768,532 glasses of champagne served", "864,977 drunken English football fans hurling racial abuse at station staff" or my favourite "243,986 shouts of 'oi, lady with the drinks cart - give me another fucking beer - you grumpy fucking Frog, you know we British fucking beat you at Waterloo and don't you ever fucking forget that...'

At least I think that's what I read on one of them. My note-taking skills are sometimes a little touch-and-go.

Anyway, one particular fact stuck out, above vast quantities of alcohol served and the xenophobic slurs issued.

Sign on a boarded up Eurostar terminal at Waterloo station in South LondonThis means that not only can we be sure that there are at least
10,383 people in the world with appallingly bad taste but they're also stupid and forgetful too.

There was a time in London when you could get onto a train or tube carriage and quite literally, every second person would be reading that book.

Thoroughly depressed at this thought I decided to take myself off to the Apple shop.

In there, as I have seen on so many occasions previously, I saw it. It stared back at me. It whispered to me...

If you buy me I will make your life complete.
If you buy me I will make you successful at work.
If you buy me I will make you have more friends.
If you buy me I will make you have a better body, a nicer life and better in bed.
Until you buy me, your life will just stay the stagnant wasteland that it already is.

And thus I went forth to the counter and I said Unto the Assistant; "please Sir, changeth my life unto me."

The Assistant gazed back and uttered; "Ye though you have walked in darkness for these years, I shall now, proclaim you to the light."

And thus he spake and reached out his hand and there came it forth but I not know whence from where it came.

"Go and deliver it unto that Man - he who is stood beneath the arching white glow.

And the neath the Arc the Man proclaimed "ye shall owe penance for such", and afore he uttered thus, I had brought forth Carde of NatWeste.

And Suddenly I was cast forth. Stood in the valley of Square of Hanover whence I reached into the Sack of Provinence and pulled forth the Miracle.

And around Me the choir sang and the Angels did proclaim loudly; "you fucking idiot - everytime you go into that bloody store you can't stop yourself!"

Whatever. Everyone else has one - to the point where you can't get onto a Tube carriage and not see someone playing with theirs - so why shouldn't I have one too?!

13 comments:

fleetmonkey said...

I feel less bad about the £30 i spent on a Shuffle last night.

If you want to see an interesting cultural phenomena - google for sites that show pic by pic unboxing of apple products.

Bobby Cox said...

Fleets: My iPhone cost less than your Shuffle cos I was owed an upgrade anyway. But you shouldn't feel bad about purchasing beautiful technology... where did you get one for £30?!

fleetmonkey said...

Well £32 - Comet - only a 1gb Shuffle - I don't really have need for anything bigger at the moment.

Amazing how dinky they are - cant believe I used ot go to the gym with an ipod mini - serious weight difference.

So I assume you have unwrapped it now - was it everything that you hoped for?

czechOUT said...

shit - i thought you had bought the new MacBook before I did.

iPhone? I'll wait until it has a quality camera, thanks. And takes up less room. My iPodtouch lies in a drawer somewhere I prefer the last nano.

ahoj

Bobby Cox said...

Fleets: Shuffles are GREAT for the gym. You can clip them on your shorts and feed the earphone cable up your shirt and no-one need know you're listening to anything, let alone Eartha Kitt.

It is beautiful but O2 can only transfer the number on Weds so at the moment it's basically just a device for browsing the net - which ts works off the home WIFI.
My iPod is getting a little rickety and I have to say that I think I am going to replace it with an iPod touch - because just playing with it is so beautiful.

But still £30 for a Shuffle is a bargain. I hope it's not pink! x

Czech: I have to say that I fiddled with the new MacBook and beside it being aluminium, I have to say that there's not much difference between it and the old MacBooks - and the touchpad is different actually.

I have to agree with you on the camera though - it was the most serious consideration for not getting one. 2 megapixel is crap but the pics don't look so bad on the screen. I'm going to have to test it out properly...

My past phone was a Nokia Slide and the only reason I got it was because it was cheap and it had a 3.2 megapixel camera, perfect!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant.

Sent from my iPhone

Bobby Cox said...

Anon: Haha - love it!

Anonymous said...

well by now i'm sure you've wasted hours and hours playing with the iphone. Ok it has quite a few floors but personally i LOVE mine, and i am one of those people on the tube who cannot put it down.

Enjoy

.b.

Bicoastal Inclinations said...

The only thing I can't stand about my iPhone is that is doesn't allow for pics to be sent via text (MMS). It makes having text message sex all the more difficult :)

Bobby Cox said...

Anon: You're right and I have downloaded the most ridiculous things onto it - like something that pours a virtual glass of beer and then you can drink the "beer". Preposterous.

And something else that turns the phone into a torch. Ridiculous - who would ever neeed it!?

Anyway - it's a thing of beauty to behold.

Bi guy: So the camera's bad AND you can't send pictures with messages. Hmm... didn't realise that either. But you can pour virtual glasses of beer. Yum YUm!! x

Timmy said...

10,383 people hated that book and wanted another 10,383 people to be miserable reading it.

wayne said...

10,383 people in the world with good taste ... after reading the first few pages they just dumped it.

Bobby Cox said...

Timster: A good theory perhaps but I think Wayne's one works a little better.
Maybe that explains why there are more than 10,000 copies of the book that were dumped.
Hmmm...