This post might be a bit long which means you're welcome to pick your nose or scratch your bum throughout.
(FYI: I once saw a guy do that on the Tube; scratch his arse, as in get right in the crack, and then smell his fingers but anyway - we'll leave that for now.)
I have had one of the most extraordinary days in my life.
Remember the other day I told you that someone heard me doing a silly accent in the tea-bar?
And they said "do you mind if I pass your number onto a friend?"
Anyway, the long and the short of it is I get a call from this producer saying that some director has heard my voice and would love for me to do some voice-over work for a project they're doing for Channel 4.
(FYI: Channel 4 is a TV channel here in the UK)
Suddenly I find myself in the reception at a major post-production studio in Soho. Remember, this is all off the back of someone over-hearing me playing the fool in the tea-bar at work.
I am asked if I would like anything and I say a hot water and honey because this is what other people always ask for.
Some dude takes my bag and coat and I am told that "they're" ready for me in Studio 2.
We take the lift down and pass along a corridor plastered with posters for movies like "Saving Private Ryan", "Bridget Jones's Diary" and "Mamma Mia". These are apparently some of the films that have been mixed here.
Studio 2 is a massive room with a huge screen. Behind an enormous sound desk there are three people and is another man slumped into the leather sofa at the back. There is a large bowl of fruit and small bottles of Evian.
I literally behave like I imagine a professional would act if they were in this position. Casual small-talk and no questions about the project.
"So if you just want to take a seat over there, we'll start."
I am led to the left-hand side of the room where there is a high-chair, a music stand and four microphones.
Some other guy appears with the script and puts it in front of me. There is another man adjusting the mics.
The man who identifies himself as the director appears and says he wants to play me the film sequence over which my voice is going to appear.
I sit there thinking holy-fucking-shit-ohmygod-fuck-what-the-hell?-someone-is-going-to-pop-out-at-any-minute-and-go-Candid-Camera!
Anyway. So we start recording and I am so nervous and Take 1 quickly becomes Take 10.
Finally we get it right and the director is happy so I relax. And we move onto the second bit of script.
We're done in three takes. So we move onto the third. Done.
Fourth bit of script. Done.
Now the director has asked me to ad-lib which I do. He is impressed.
I am reading the words, with the silly accent on cue with what's happening on the screen. Finally, a little confident, I look up at the huge screen.
Fuck. I recognise that face on the massive screen! And then another face I recognise. And then a voice I recognise!
I realise that this is definitely not some project for Channel 4.
After three hours of being sat there, reading script in a silly accent and being served hot water and honey, we're done.
The lights in the studio go up and the director is happy.
"Can I just ask - that guy on the screen with the glasses, that's not so-and-so is it?"
The director laughs; "yes it is..."
"But I thought this was..."
"No, we didn't want to freak you out so I specifically asked the producer not to tell you! We're hoping for theatrical release next year. It's all been going great."
There are hand-shakes, the director says "you really should think about what you do with your voice" and I am suddenly standing in the cold on the corner of Brewer and Lexington Street.
It's not anything like Mamma Mia or Saving Private Ryan but still I cannot quite believe it.
I get back to the office and a colleague asks where I've been. I'd tell them but they wouldn't believe me.
I still can't quite believe it, I really can't.