Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Crossroads

The project I've been working on for the last two years has been canned. It's a money thing. In TV there is no money.

I'm not out of a job because I've been on secondment. It just means I'll go back to what I was doing.

I can't believe it's come to an end. My life will return to normal.

It doesn't sound like anything important or even interesting, and the news came so swiftly, but it's so odd. Suddenly after two years of week-in-week-out grafting, everything's going to change.

Our organisation doesn't usually pay for overtime but instead chooses days off in lieu. I am owed at least 32 days off in lieu. This is besides the 15 days I am owed for annual leave.

I am tempted to put in a leave request from December 18th to April 1. I'm pretty sure it'll be turned down.

I don't want to go back to what I was doing. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Do I just quit completely and go back to studying?
Do I just quit completely and go back to Cape Town?
Do I just continue like nothing ever happened?
Do I now make the break to the States?
Do I find a better job in London and regret all of the above?

My head is in a thousand different places right now and I don't really know what to type. I am so excited and so relieved but yet so daunted by what comes next.

I am standing at a crossroads and there are, quite literally, more than 5 roads to choose from.

It's like you're lying in bed, warm and smug and suddenly your mum bangs on the door and says "right, get out - it's time for you to go and get a job because dad and I are not paying for anything anymore."

I know I should go with what my gut is telling me. Am I brave enough to do so? I don't know.

All I know is that I'm being forced to grow up and that's something I just don't / want / can't do.

From being in control of my life I am suddenly, at 30, being forced to chose my next path and I don't know what to do.

Maybe this is the time to grasp what I've always wanted to do.

Maybe on this occasion I will ignore what everyone else is saying and go with my gut. Maybe, right now, I will pursue what I've always wanted...

But the pathetic thing is, is that I'm just too scared to do anything like that. I don't know why.

10 comments:

Superdrewby said...

it sounds like the universe is giving you a kick in the ass to make the move..

I would avoid the states right now but that's just me, but it's a definite kick to move onwards and upwards!

Gabriel said...

i have to agree with drew. when we go into a state of inaction, the universe comes and kicks you along to somewhere you should be. take the opportunity to think about what you want and let the universe take you there.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bobby,

If you are doing well financially (savings and just a few bills) and you’re not responsible for ailing parents or have dependants, I say go for it.

That being said, this is a big (kinda scary) decision especially in the current economic atmosphere.

Would you be able to negotiate an extended (non-pay) leave of absence from your employer? That way you could explore a few of those roads with a safety net.


PS…What is it that you really want to do???

Sober Liz

wayne said...

Embrace the change... whatever it may be.

Martin said...

Hmmm... good luck with the decision.

I would add pornstar to the list of alternatives...

Not sure CPT is the best place in your line of work - but definitely a good place to study...

Bobby Cox said...

Drewbles: I know - it is giving me a kick in the arse and I need to do something - but I hate when your hand is forced though I have to admit that when that happens - it's the best thing otherwise I never would have done anything!

Gabriel: Hi!! i know... and you should never force anything because that's when it goes wrong. I have been coasting for a while so it's good to have been kicked into doing something. you just have to put the energy out there and hope taht something comes in return.

Liz: the funny thing is i still don't know what it is i want to do in life. maybe i want to make films - that's what i wanted to do when i was younger but ... I guess I need to face up to what i want to do in life and then get on with it. The problem is that life takes over and suddently you're staff and the salary isn't bad and ... comfort is a terrible, terrible thing.

Wayne: I love change because it means progress. I just hate the process because it's unsettling.

Martin: Yeah - what about Cape Town in the summer? I was thinking of taking a month off and spending it on Clifton 3rd. That's not too bad is it??

Bicoastal Inclinations said...

I vote for coming to the states but I may have ulterior motives :)

Bobby Cox said...

Bi Guy: Ulterior motives are always the most honest and usually the filthiest! ;-)

Timmy said...

Before you do what your gut is telling you, use some of that time to come Stateside and visit me and Calvin! :-)

Anonymous said...

Jump without a parachute.