Lessons from the Scriptures

I found myself at Waterloo Station which isn't really a place you'd want to be at any time of the day.

But it wasn't the thousands of people scurrying around the terminal like frightened mice that alarmed me, instead it was a few words printed on a temporary wall near the old Eurostar terminal.

That part of the station is all boarded up because Eurostar has transferred to that other huge railway shed in North London.

On these screens they have printed various whimsical facts about Eurostar's years spent to-ing and fro-ing from Waterloo.

The facts include things like; "3,768,532 glasses of champagne served", "864,977 drunken English football fans hurling racial abuse at station staff" or my favourite "243,986 shouts of 'oi, lady with the drinks cart - give me another fucking beer - you grumpy fucking Frog, you know we British fucking beat you at Waterloo and don't you ever fucking forget that...'

At least I think that's what I read on one of them. My note-taking skills are sometimes a little touch-and-go.

Anyway, one particular fact stuck out, above vast quantities of alcohol served and the xenophobic slurs issued.

This means that not only can we be sure that there are at least
10,383 people in the world with appallingly bad taste but they're also stupid and forgetful too.

There was a time in London when you could get onto a train or tube carriage and quite literally, every second person would be reading that book.

Thoroughly depressed at this thought I decided to take myself off to the Apple shop.

In there, as I have seen on so many occasions previously, I saw it. It stared back at me. It whispered to me...

If you buy me I will make your life complete.
If you buy me I will make you successful at work.
If you buy me I will make you have more friends.
If you buy me I will make you have a better body, a nicer life and better in bed.
Until you buy me, your life will just stay the stagnant wasteland that it already is.

And thus I went forth to the counter and I said Unto the Assistant; "please Sir, changeth my life unto me."

The Assistant gazed back and uttered; "Ye though you have walked in darkness for these years, I shall now, proclaim you to the light."

And thus he spake and reached out his hand and there came it forth but I not know whence from where it came.

"Go and deliver it unto that Man - he who is stood beneath the arching white glow.

And the neath the Arc the Man proclaimed "ye shall owe penance for such", and afore he uttered thus, I had brought forth Carde of NatWeste.

And Suddenly I was cast forth. Stood in the valley of Square of Hanover whence I reached into the Sack of Provinence and pulled forth the Miracle.

And around Me the choir sang and the Angels did proclaim loudly; "you fucking idiot - everytime you go into that bloody store you can't stop yourself!"

Whatever. Everyone else has one - to the point where you can't get onto a Tube carriage and not see someone playing with theirs - so why shouldn't I have one too?!