Today I dressed the dog up in a silly hat and I went out for lunch with Charlotte. At lunch with Charlotte I drank beer and ate the kind of food I wouldn't dare; mashed potato and steak.
And tonight I went out with Dad and I had more wine and gin & tonic. And when I am not eating or drinking I am sleeping because it's June in Cape Town and the rain is beating against the window and the wind is howling.
Last night I was with Andrew, a friend from school who I've known for 17 years. We drank white wine and flirted with boys. Andrew is the worst fucking enabler into this type of lifestyle because he works in IT, has a personal trainer and can therefore drink without consequence.
I have none of that and even now, while typing this, I have a G&T sitting next to me. I know I should remember that we are actually in the middle of summer in London, when boys are wearing tight T-shirts and shorts but fuck that.
When I get back home I will nail the gym. I will stick my finger down my throat twice a day and singe my liver and kidneys with creatine.
I've been pissed since the Virgin Atlantic departure lounge. Coming to Cape Town in the winter is like trying to hold a gay pride parade in Saudi Arabia. Everybody wants to get up and do something but certain factors mean that most people just end up not bothering.
In this case that factor is the weather. It's cold and the strong gale means that the rain falls horizontally. The beach is not even an option. It's cold and wet.
Whatever. Now that I am 30, I don't care. Lights, disco and beautiful boys? Fuck it.. wait until tomorrow. Tonight I am going to sit and watch TV as the storm clouds burst over the house.
Enough of the fucking weather crap, I'm pissed and I am going to collapse into bed. Let's all get together and sing Kum Ba Ya (My Lord).
At the moment the only thing that's sharing my bed with me is a big and beautiful cat called Grease. She has that silly name because my dad found her as a kitten in a muddle of grease at a petrol station.
Don't dis my pussy. She's da shiz.
Okay, I could be starting to rap. Enough.