Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Plane wish

On the plane on the way back I got so bored that I had a sneaky self-encounter.

According to Wikipedia, this means I have technically joined the Mile High Club but since I was alone and no-one else saw, I don't how much of an achievement this is?

I was sat right up at the front of the plane which means I wasn't sat next to anyone. It was at about 4am and we were over the Central African Republic or something. God, long-haul is so fucking tedious.

Still, it was a novel way to pass about 30 minutes. Yes, it took that long because you had to do a dry-run which meant simulating movements to make sure no-one else was likely to see. These manoeuvres include managing evidence and blanket jiggery tests.

Oh god, not that I'm embarrassed if anyone spotted me during my performance but imagine the shame of having other people think "poor dude, has to wank himself off because he has no-one else to do it for him."

And can I whinge? Thanks... Why is it that there are never fit guys who work on planes? The guy whose job it was to throw the food and warm towelettes at us was just so like they all are. Preened, slightly camp and hair like it's on purpose.

I want to get onto a plane and have some guy called Josh attend to me. Josh would have three-day stubble, a healthy tan with big rugged hairy arms and dressed in a shirt, unbuttoned to show off his ample pec definition.

At dinner time, when outlining the onboard choice, he would ask whether I wanted the chicken or beef. And as he said the word beef he would flex his massive bicep which would in-turn burst from and rip his shirt.

Not that big-hairy-masculine-muscle-bears are my thing but imagine this guy having to check that you're tightly fastened.

And just before taking-off and spending 12 hours in the air together he would lean over you and say "all of my equipment is in the upright position, I hope yours is too..."


Anonymous said...

His head's too small.

Bobby Cox said...

Anon: So that's it then, you would kick him out and slam the door in his face and leave him out in the cold because his head looks out of proportion?
It is because the rest of him is so big.
Come. To. Daddy.

Timmy said...

He wouldn't fit on the plane. He's too wide even for a wide body.

I'll let you have your fantasy though.

Nix said...

I enjoyed a brief fling with a rather-hot air-steward/trolley-dolly/space-waitress last year, and so I know these guys exist.

Yet I have never had the good fortune of being on a plane, before or since, with hot male cabin crew. I do not understand this. It's particularly odd because I fly off the island at least once a month.

So you got an upgrade again?

ANDRE said...

My Viking is a flight attendant!

Anonymous said...

You're going to go blind.


Anonymous said...

If that guy was on the plane, the plane would begin tilting and the onlyt thing that would keep the plane from going down would be auto pilot as the pilot if trying to fly the plane manually would be struggling to keep the wings level.


Anonymous said...

Well the airline you chose are rather known for camp crew. As for your own brand of in flight entertainment, it is about the best thing you could do when flying on them.....

Anonymous said...

You said you always get your man.

I wonder when you dance over to them, do you introce yourself and say something like, "Hi... I'm Bond,.... Bobby Bond."

If you have such good luck, I'm thinking if you can round some of these guys up you can send them my way. I have lots of outdoorsy type of chores that needs done on the lawn etc. :)


Bobby Cox said...

Firstly - if there is anyone reading this who works for an airline - PLEASE MAIL ME!!!
amnotblog AT gmail DOT com


Tim: He would fit on the kind of plane that I was travelling on - even if we had to squeeze him through the cargo door.

Stevie Nix: The fact that you ask whether I got an upgrade is so insulting. Of course! Hello... Premium Economy and lounge access at Johannesburg International. I have pictures, I am going to have to post them now actually.

Andrea: I mean like not ALL flight attendants. What airline?

Anon: How do you know this? I have to know... do you work for an airline???

Carl: If going blind was a consequence I would have been walking into wall ages ago and I will happily send some your way! ;-)

Anonymous said...

For all we know you have been blind for years and are typing this blog in braille.

dickophile said...

if that guy was on my plane i would definitely be tightly fastened around something. if you get my drift. lets just say i wouldnt be joining the mile high club on my own.

Anonymous said...

Who is that guy?