This morning I fell out of bed at around 9am because I hate being part of something that everyone else is doing. Everyone else in London is walking to the Tube station or getting into the office and moaning about it being Monday.
I, on the other hand, leap out of bed and go outside to stand in the beautiful morning sunshine for ten minutes. It's good to be otherwise.
While standing in the crisp London air (cue shaking of house and sound of British Airways Mega-Jumbo blast overhead) I listen to Day Too Soon by Sia. This is a nice start.
To dress, it's retro 80s tune-time. Who remembers Landscape's Einstein a-go-go? I love this song because to everyone else having to hear it, it's the height of fucking annoyance. That goddam electric flute, man.
Thankfully the Tube is not busy because everyone's now at work but the Jubilee Line is fucked and so is the Central Line.
Fucked means it's running late or it's on the wrong tracks or there's someone under the train at Mile End (what are they doing under there?) or the drivers are sick.
I don't mind waiting for the train because having listened to Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray on the way to the station, I'm in a zen-like Marcia-fucking-Brady trance.
"Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!"
Holy fuck, jokes aside. Will you look these shoes...
Who the fuck has purple shoes? Someone on who got on at Baker Street station, that's who. They're fucking purple, like rum & raisin.
He got on, sat down and my eyes nearly burst out of my head. Purple, with whites socks and a silver suit. I was tempted to ask him; "dude, what the hell do you think you're trying to prove?"
Purple and white smeary leather shoes. If you're going to do that sort of thing on the Tube at least try and be discreet like sitting in an empty carriage or something.
If the song Hollaback Girl was a pair of shoes, it would be those bastards. That shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s. Even writing about that song and those shoes is making a little mini-vomit in my throat.
By the time I get into the office I am back in my beautiful zen, thanks to Katherine Ellis and the Freemasons.
All together now; "Baby when you touch me on my body, I loose every feeling that I used to know...I'm losing my mind, here I go!"
FYI: This song is called When You Touch Me by The Freemasons, featuring Katherine Ellis
Oh yeah, while I think about it, none of you bitches got me anything for my birthday. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
If you want to put yourself in the good books you can get me one of two things.
Now go and get. Please.