Wake up. Habit sucks.
Have herbal tea in the belief that this is somehow good for you.
A text arrives from Grant inviting me to Megawoof! (a club night for "hairy hunks who funk"). Either Megawoof! has become some huge after-hours party or this text has taken a while to arrive.
In the newspaper see a picture of the married Hugh Jackman on a large motorcycle wearing aviator sunglasses and a leather jacket. He's looking very straight and very butch.
There's no way he's into musicals, surely?!
Another text arrives, this one from Anna.
Despite it being impossible (Anna's spoken for and I'm a bloke) we've been contemplating lesbian sexual behaviour, in particular the scissoring technique.
Anna has vital information to share because she's been speaking to a lesbian person. She tells me "I quote 'vadge on vadge provides a different kind of friction to a finger on vadge.'"
After feeling faint I managed to reciprocate with a few slang terms for scissoring that I've found.
"Clit-clattering", "churning butter" or "muff buffing."
Getting changed in the gym and popping my new "stack"; 8 x Gakic and 6 x Leukic. Listing pills and talking about stacks makes me sound so hardcore.
I'm really not.
Really wish I was wearing a T-shirt that said in big red letters, "I am NOT eyeing out your boyfriend you silly bitch".
In fact he keeps looking at me. No wonder she's so insecure. Cow.
And home what's been found
I'm not stopping
I'm going hunting"
At home, more herbal tea and a nap.
Ghostbusters is on so I might as well watch it.
Make a note of the following important dates in my diary:
4 July 2009, Saturday - London Pride in the morning
4 July 2009, Saturday - Basement Jaxx at Wireless in the afternoon
23 August 2009, Saturday - SW4 on Clapham Common
Am satisfied that I have begun to work out a rough framework for how the summer will be celebrated.
Panic that this summer I will be spending most of it as a 31 year old. Where did my fucking life go?
Wondering about fundamental crap like "what the fuck?", "when?" and "is he thinking about me?" I am thinking about him a lot.
My self esteem hits a new because I've logged onto Gaydar. Get sent a picture of someone's willy which is the cue to log out.
Why do people still do that?
It obviously still turns guys on because if it didn't, people would stop doing it.
To assuage my insecurities I look at the following and tell myself that in a month I am going to look like that...
... the depressing thing is that I've said that to myself about 10,000 times before.