Wake up to the klaxon sound of the iPhone alarm clock. It's like having a sock full of pig shit slapped across your dreams.
After battling the Hellfire Line to Bond Street. I am in GNC buying today's protein intake where TFMC* is. Obviously he doesn't know this yet.
I ask him to recommend a good drink to consume while working out to keep my energy levels up but what I mean is to ask him is if can we both take our clothes off, will he lie on me?
(* = The Future Mr Cox)
Thank God for the marketing gays who are obviously beavering away at Adidas in New Zealand. Who else could be responsible for this?
Note to self: Must buy Adidas.
Find out that this guy in the office has shagged the woman who runs the coffee cart near the lifts.
The poor woman's come all the way from Warsaw to London only to have the office slime-bag froth her mocha latte. Ugly.
Tesco or Westfield? Tesco or Westfield? I choose Tesco.
At my desk working very hard, work which includes deciding on a friend request, yes or no? Debating whether to go to XXL on Sunday? Trying to find information about changing the iPhone alarm clock ring to Rape Me by Nirvana.
Have worked far longer than I should so pack up and leave.
Whoops! I'm not getting into that carriage when I spot Mr January 2004 sitting reading a book. He didn't spot me.
He'd say "you never phoned me", I'd say "dude - you were way too clingy."
Changing in the gym. Hot guy. Never seen before. Amazing body. Bla bla.
I knew I shouldn't have but drink the protein shake and then do abs. Cue mini vomit bonanza.
Walking home from gym and this torn and tatty shopping bag is lying in the gutter.
The bag is crying out to me.
"This is not what I signed for!" "Where's the life that's supposed to be filled with clothes dripping off hot sixpack preppy boys?" "I'm from Saville Row goddamit, why am I in the gutter?"
I step over it and carry on.
I learn that some fuck-wad is trying to sink his talons into someone I have my eye on.
This irritates me only slightly of course and I make no considerations for any violent revenge should things turn out badly for me.
I put on Marilyn Manson to soothe myself.
The songs I whistle along to include:
1/ Get Your Gunn
2/ Use Your Fist And Not Your Mouth
3/ The Fight Song
Don't feel left out, you can sing along too. All together now...
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
(More fucking money Apple are going to owe me for this punt...)
With iTunes, GarageBand and an iPhone you can give yourself bespoke alarm clock sounds. So tomorrow morning I shall very calmly arise from my delicate slumber with Kurt screaming RAPE ME, RAPE ME, RAPE ME.
For now though it's nearly beddy-byes time. I may also just very quickly investigate shot guns on the black market.