The idea of getting out of bed and getting ready to go to work is an insurmountable challenge that I cannot face so I admit defeat, roll over and go back to sleep again.
Is there something that no-one's telling me? I am on the Jubilee Line travelling to Bong Street and there's not one...
But two people reading Bibles...
Part of me wants to nudge them and whisper in their ear that in the end Jesus dies but why ruin it?*
I know times are hard but what's this all about?
* - apologies if I've just ruined it for you too.
In the Boots on Oxford Street there is a man in the window who is standing in his underwear and there is another man applying fake spray-on tan and it's only when the man in his Calvins turns around that I dare take a photo.
You see, guys who do this (just like the dudes who hang in the doorway at Abercrombie & Fritzl) want you too look which is why you shouldn't.
They're no different to overweight men in vests with hairy shoulders who drive convertible Bentleys. They only reason they drive those cars or stand in the window at Boots on Oxford Street is because they want you too look.
Can you make this out? I hope you can because otherwise there's no way you'd believe me...
Check out the hair. And the shirt underneath the jersey.
Cruella De Ville shops at our Sainsbury's. Except she was a he.
Anal sex isn't for pussies.
(This occurs to me while I'm perusing products in the meat section)
Lunch is the tenderest juiciest beef fillet that is so succulent it's like chewing on a baby.
I'm saying nothing (thanks MeJoe)
Herewith a partial transcript of my session with Chris who with every passing moment edges closer to being the Anti-Christ and/or The Best Personal Trainer in London.
"And nine, ten, eleven...
"Fuck, shit - fuck, ow ow...
"No - properly.. and we start again, one, two...
"Fuck it man, fuck shit ow ow... fuck I can't... ow
"Shut up otherwise we start again... one, two..
"Fuck no wait stop, stop... ow I can't...
"Shut up and hold it for another 15 seconds...
The work-out is over and I may vomit but it's the best one so far.
I feel sick and farty.
I think I'm going to give up on this day now. Some days weren't meant to go on for ever and this is one of them.
I was going to retire to bed and listen to Leonard Cohen but I need something a little less cheerful.
The Marianne Faithfull version of The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan does the trick. Unusually it is my 27th most-played song since November 2007. It should be in the Top 10.
But I swear by this song
And by all that I have done wrong
I will make it all up to thee."